He has done everything well

"He has done everything well" - Mark 7.37

"The days that were heavy for us, that tormented us and made us anxious, days that left us with a trace of bitterness, are the very days that we do not want to leave behind us today, before we also confess about them, thankfully and humbly: 'He has done everything well.'..... We are not supposed to solve the unsolved puzzle of the past and fall into torturous brooding, but to let even the incomprehensible stand and return it peacefully to God's hand.... But the most terrible thorn still remains... The evil fruit of my sin keeps working without end. How can i bring it to an end? And yet you are no Christian - rather, you have become hardened in your sin - if you cannot also say about your guilt: 'He has done everything well!' One thing it does not say is 'We have done everything well.' - Deitrich Bonhoeffer

I know i frequently quote Bonhoeffer, but i like his writings, and this passage particularly spoke to me today. This year has been a strange year for me - a peculiar mix of pretty unpleasant and completely amazing. But one thing is for sure, there is no way that i can say that I have done everything well - far from it - i am truly ashamed of my attitude and behaviour. But i want to take the opportunity to acknowledge that i believe it is still true that HE has done EVERYTHING well - even those things that appear to make no sense to me. So i will be thankful, for the amazing things He has done this year, but also for the parts of this year that, if i'm honest, i would have preferred not to happen. I will be thankful because i trust that He sees the end from the beginning, and understands all things, and works all things for good, because He is faithful and true and richly beautiful. 

I don't know why, but for some reason i don't really feel like making that big a deal about the start of this new year - maybe because i know in reality the start of a new year makes little difference to our lives - it's almost like we set ourselves up for disappointment, by coming up with new aims and new plans etc - or maybe it's just because i'm acutely aware that i have to work out what to do with my life in the new year, and that kinda scares me, though i know it should be an exciting prospect too - either way, i do want to be thankful for this new year in as much as i am thankful for each new day we are given... there is no reason why we should wake up each day, why we should be given another day to live... and so i am thankful for that... for each year, each day, each hour, each minute, each second... because i have no power to keep my heart beating, or my lungs breathing, or my mind working, or my soul existing... that life comes from God alone. 

"Here dies another day, during which i have had eyes, ears, hands and the great world round me. And with tomorrow begins another. Why am i allowed two?" - Chesterton

A person

"We have systems here to explain everything - except how to live. And we have categories for every person on earth, but who can explain just one person?" - Robert Coles

"There is no one who perplexes Jesus. No thought or action is unintelligible to Him. He knows it's origin and end. The most convoluted psychotic and the most abstruse genius are open and laid bare to His understanding. He understands every motion of every mind." - J.Piper

I was just looking through a collection of quotes i've made note of over time, and i noticed how well these two go together. I am grateful that Jesus understands every detail of every person.

By it's cover..

Photos by Sophie

Apparently you should never judge a book by it's cover.... but truthfully, i'm much more tempted to read a book if i like the cover... Just the look of this bookshelf makes me want to read those books. 

A child

"At this point everything becomes clear or unclear, bright or dark. For here we are standing at the centre. And however high and mysterious and difficult everything we want to know might seem to us, yet we may also say that this is just where everything becomes quite simple, quite straightforward, quite childlike. Right here in this centre, in which as a Professor of Systematic Theology i must call to you, 'Look! This is the point now! Either knowledge, or the greatest folly!' - here i am in front of you, like a teacher in Sunday school facing his kiddies, who has something to say which a mere four-year-old can really understand. 'The world was lost, but Christ was born, rejoice, O Christendom!'... 'God became man for thy good, O man. Tis God's own child that binds Himself to thine own blood.'" - Karl Barth (via Wesley Hill)

How vast beyond all measure

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He would give His only Son 

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed i hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that IT IS FINISHED

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But i will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should i gain from His reward?

I can not give an answer

But this i know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom.

- I like this song, by Stuart Townsend, i've had the lyrics stuck on my bedroom wall for 6 years. -

............

Thank you if you have read my blog at all, or commented.... I think i might take a break for a bit and will probably change my settings to private whilst i do. I'm not certain if i will yet, i guess my point is just that if you suddenly can't access this, it's not that i'm being rude, it's just that i've decided to have a break....

*

Photo via Suzy Wire

Stars

"He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name." - Psalm 147.4

When you really think about it, this is actually pretty amazing... i mean, there are tons of stars... but this verse says God still decides exactly how many there will be and calls them each by name. Does He really name all the stars? I love this God, who seems to so delight in every detail of His creation and overlooks nothing.. I mean, giving all the stars names is kinda what you imagine a kid doing when they joyfully create a painting for their Mum! 

White ribbon Day

"How can it be that God is love? / When blood rolls down upon our land / And Father's lose their only son / Where is the hope? / Oh God we pray for white ribbon day. / How can it be that You could love? / When blood ran down that wooden cross / Your Father gave His only Son / You came for peace / You came to die for white ribbon day / And we pray for peace / To flood our hearts again / Only God can save our nation now / And we long for joy to fill our streets again / Only God can save our nation now / How can it be that God is just? / When flesh is torn, from young and old / And children run in bloody fields / Where is the hope? / Oh God we cry for white ribbon day / And can it be that You are just / When flesh was torn for young and old? / And here we stand saved by Your blood / We'll stand with courage / We'll live and die for white ribbon day / Hallelujah, Hallelujah / Hallelujah, for white ribbon day." - Lyrics by Martin Smith

White

(photo via ilovelittlespoon)

The swing of a sword

"Let me say something about that word: miracle. For too long it's been used to characterize things or events that, though pleasant, are entirely normal. Peeping chicks at Easter time, spring generally, a clear sunrise after an overcast week - a miracle, people say, as if they've been educated from greeting cards. I'm sorry, but nope. Such things are worth our notice every day of the week, but to call them miracles evaporates the strength of the word. Real miracles bother people, like strange sudden pains unknown to medical literature. It's true: they rebut every rule all we good citizens take comfort in. Lazarus obeying orders and climbing up out of the grave - now there's a miracle, and you can bet it upset a lot of folks who were standing around at the time. When a person dies, the earth is generally unwilling to cough him back up. A miracle contradicts the will of the earth...... People fear miracles because they fear being changed - though ignoring them will change you also..... Let me say that a miracle is no cute thing but more like the swing of a sword. " 

- Leif Enger, taken from his novel 'Peace like a River' 

(i love this book).

Sorry

Sorry, my posts can be a little heavy (and strange) sometimes....

Dragon Scales

She walked right in til water swept, past her waist and past her face... 'oh to be clean, to be clean', a wailed groan slipped from her lips.... but blackness stains, she couldn't change. He tried to scratch his dragon scales, with fervent nails he clawed his wings, but underneath was just raw skin.... 'oh to be a child again'..... but shedding scales won't change your name. There is one way, one way alone; It is red blood that turns men white. And Kingly wounds that paid the price. It is His death that rewrites lives.

And so it is: We too must die before we live. We die in Him, and then a whore can become clean, a dragon-man a child again, a heart of stone gets turned to flesh. And now, one thing is left: We go back out into the World, where hearts are hard and souls are black. Where backs are scarred and we get stabbed. If we don't go, how will they know? That girl will drown in her attempts, the dragon-man will bleed to death. His word to us should be enough: we do not go alone.

(photo by Krystian Kujda)

...run and not be weary...

"..they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like Eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Absolutely nothing.

Stare at sorrow for long enough and you will see that there is nothing in it that can bring joy. Absolutely nothing. And when faced with darkness, you realise there is nothing in this that can make light. By it's very definition it is devoid of light and incapable of being anything other than dark. And there is nothing in death that can create life. Absolutely nothing at all. They are complete opposites and in our natural World it is fully impossible for one to turn itself into the other.

But in this devastating reality, there is something so precious to comprehend: Things can still change, but it takes a power outside itself. It takes a miracle. A work of grace. And there is NOTHING that we can boast about. Nothing at all. And here is the most beautiful part of this reality: It means there is hope for every situation. If there is absolutely NOTHING in a situation that can bring about that change, then however bad, however hopeless, however dark something is, it can always be transformed into something beautiful, by the One who is beautiful, by the One who holds the keys of life. In fact, someone who is utterly wretched or in a complete deadlock situation, with no apparent way out, has as much hope of change as a person who seems to have a wealth of gifts and skills to help them change... and actually, in a strange way, the person who is so utterly lost can even have more hope, because they can only rely on a greater power and will have given up trusting in themselves at all. I remember reading something once about leprosy... in Leviticus 13:13 it says that "if the leprous disease has covered all his body, he shall pronounce him clean of the disease..." And so it is with us, when we realise the full extent of our corruption and reach the absolute end of ourselves, we can be pronounced clean, because of Jesus... At the point of utter desperation, there is also the hope of miraculous transformation. 

Every miracle of the past is down to Him... every miracle of the present is down to Him... and every miracle of the future will be down to Him too. For this reason, we can always have hope. No matter what.

 

O stand..

"...O stand, stand at the window

As the tears scald and start;

You shall love your crooked neighbour

With your crooked heart..."

 - by W.H.Auden  (via 22 words) -

Though he die...

photo via undocumented-change

If cracks in stone walls make way for clambering twigs which carry blossom on their finger-tips, then maybe cracks aren't such a bad thing. If out of brokeness, something beautiful can be seen.... which joins together two crumbling things. To be sure, the message of death and decay can't be escaped; it's engraved into the core of all earthly things.. but the message of resurrection is written just as clear. That wall is dying, breaking down, yes.... and given much longer, life itself will fully destroy it .... but does that matter, if a blossoming tree is growing there, ready to take it's place. One thing dies. Another thing lives. It's as simple as that. As heart-breakingly harsh as that. As wonderful as that. Each winter tree and subsequent spring leaf bears testimony to this. Out of one thing's death, something new can live. And the glorious message proclaimed at the end of it all, is this: that LOVE is as strong as death. Decay, destruction, brokeness, death... they seem pretty final, yes. But in the midst of this all, something more beautiful springs up. Something stronger, with enough power to resurrect even the dead:........ Love. 

"for love is strong as death..." Song of Songs 8:6

"Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live." 

John 11:25

Unless the Lord...

"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil, for He gives to His beloved in sleep." - Psalm 127:1-2

"So don't eat the bread of anxious toil, because no matter how hard you work to achieve anything, God has lifted off your back the final responsibility for its success, and God can accomplish more good for those who trust him while they sleep than they can accomplish with anxious labor while awake." - John Piper  (quoted from this article)

Without Words

Photos by Nich Hance

- take me into you -

- nowhere else will do -

(Photo by Nikolinelr)

A torn-up jumper, a torn-up heart....

She walked. She stopped. She walked. She stopped. She walked. She stopped. Each time she walked, it was just one step, then she stopped. Such a steady, yet painful rhythm. It was evident how much each breath hurt. The air skimmed through her lips, like it was cutting her insides with blades. Her face grimaced with the strain. I didn't know what was wrong. But i knew something was. What do you do at times like that? I wanted to wrap my arms round her, to kiss her gently on the cheek, just so she would know, she wasn't alone. But you can't do that to a stranger; to an old lady, who limps under the weight of her own body. And this was when it hit me.... what if she doesn't believe in Jesus? She was distinctly an outcast.... she wore the marks of rejection, hopelessness and despair - they were as clear as the bright pink hat and torn-up jumper she was clothed in.... they were written in her eyes and engraved in the lines on her face. But what if she knew no Saviour? If she walks this Earth in pain then somehow that's just about bareable, if you know that in eternity she will be redeemed. But what if she's not? What if, she not only suffers now, but will suffer then too?.... Such a thought is too much for me. Such a thought reduces me to tears. Such a thought is heartbreaking. 

Sometimes i want to console myself, that everything will one day turn out ok.... in some ways, i know it will...... but, for those who don't believe, it won't be ok. How do you reconcile yourself with that thought? Quite simply, i don't think you do. It says it grieved God to the heart when he had to send the flood.... It grieved Him deeply... so i presume such a thought should grieve us deeply too. But then again, which of us doesn't deserve destruction?... the fact that God chooses to save any is a demonstration of extreme mercy.... though this doesn't lessen the grief of accepting that some won't be saved, it does mean that God does nothing wrong here. So although i can't console myself that life will turn out as i wish, i will console myself with this: "Shall not the God of all the earth do what is just?" (Genesis 18:25)  and this: "But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness." (Psalm 86:15) and this: He "does ALL things well" (Mark 7:37). 

We are called to love others, to serve them, to make disciples of all nations and proclaim the truth of who God is... but when it comes to who is actually saved, i guess we simply have to trust a just God. So, though this world is a torn-up, broken mess, i will rest in this.

The wonder of all wonders

"That is the wonder of all wonders, that God loves the lowly.... God is not ashamed of the lowliness of human beings. God marches right in. He chooses people as his instruments and performs his wonders where one would least expect them. God is near to lowliness; he loves the lost, the neglected, the unseemly, the excluded, the weak and the broken. Where human beings say, "Lost," God says, "Found"; where people say, "Condemned," God says, "Saved"; where people say, "No!" God says, "Yes!" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I know i often include quotes like this one, but i can't help it, the fact that our God is like this never ceases to make my heart rejoice.

The Lamb of God

"The King of Glory, with His crown of thorns, lips that don't condemn, but cry 'Father forgive'. The nail kissed hands, Holy blood outpoured, Saviour broken, for my healing. Behold the Lamb of God. Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the World. Behold the Lamb of God. Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the World. Oh our Saviour broken, broken for our healing. King of Glory. You are the King of Glory. You are the Lamb of God. Yes You are the Lamb of God. You were pierced for our transgressions, You were wounded for our sins, and the punishment's on You, oh it's bringing us peace, all Your loneliness and shame, and Your wounds oh God, they are bringing us peace - as we receive Your love. Oh the Lamb of God. Thank You Lord. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for Your healing love. You pour out Your healing love on the wounded and the broken. Thank You for Your healing love. Thank You for Your tender mercies. You are making us whole, with Your broken body." 

Song Lyrics by David Edwards

Escape & Endurance

"Sometimes God works miracles of rescue through suffering (Hebrews 11.27-35) and sometimes He gives the faith to endure misery and death (Hebrews 11.35-39). The common denominator in the faith that escapes and the faith that endures, is that in both God is treasured above liberty and life. The one who escapes says, "Jesus is better than what i gain." The one who dies says "Jesus is better than what i lose." That is the essence of faith: Jesus trusted and valued above all." - John Piper

Painted hands and doodled birds...

I got bored, so doodled birds onto a photo of my painted hands. Why? I have no idea.... and clearly i still have a very very long way to go to improve my drawing skills, especially drawing on a computer, which isn't that easy! ha. I kinda had fun though! 

Sunlight

Can you catch sunlight in your hands, wrap it up and hold it there, so it doesn't run away as the night draws in? There was such beautiful light here earlier... i wanted to do just that.... and to fill glass jars with it, then open the lids and watch each ray dance free.... to breathe it in and breathe it out.... to dip my fingers in and paint laughter lines on nighttime's face. It's a shame that's not possible, but i reckon you can catch it in your heart. It feels like a few rays found their way in and decided to stay. 

Victorious

"All hail the Lamb, enthroned on high, His praise shall be our battle cry; He reigns victorious, forever glorious, His name is Jesus, He is the Lord."

- Lyrics by Dave Bilbrough -

To a truer, better beat...

She was fighting and drowning at the very same time. Silently screaming. Helplessly collapsing. Only to her, it felt like she was being engulfed, like an army of impulses were marching through her veins. Like a puppet, who couldn't control it's own strings. Senses merging into one; then dividing into a thousand new ones. Echoing through the vast emptiness of her crowded mind. A state of paradoxes. Nonsensical to you, the reader. But to her, simple reality. Music grew roots, latched itself round her frame, dragging her down. Tiredness stole her strength, forcing her to the ground. Standing still was an earthquake, making her limbs tremble rhythmically. Words would jam her mind, unable to escape her mouth, except for momentary eruptions like a volcano spewing fire. It made her feel drunk, like she was under a spell, though no drink or potion touched her lips. It was just a thunderstorm raging through her brain; leaving a trail of broken residue, a lingering fog, countless aches and pains. This is why, when the storms subsided and seemed a part of yesterday, no longer crossing the boundary of today, she wanted to rejoice. She wanted to take those same muscles and make them move with thanksgiving to a truer, better beat; to raise her voice, and let dancing flow through her feet. 

Kite

Photo by hristina

This picture makes me want to go and fly a kite! I haven't flown a kite for years, i'm sure it was quite a fun thing to do. 

love light

Photo by Philippe N.

I'm all out of words these days, so seem to just be posting pictures and quotes. Ah well, despite my changeable attitude towards photography i could easily spend hours just looking at pictures.. i also really want to make a stop motion at some point.. i have a few ideas for one.. though i've never made one before..

A strong and perfect plea

"Before the throne of God above, 

i have a strong and perfect plea, 

A great high Priest whose Name is Love,

Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,

My name is written on His heart.

I know that while in heaven He stands

No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward i look and see Him there

Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Saviour died

My sinful soul is counted free,

For God, the Just, is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,

My perfect, spotless righteousness, 

The great unchangeable I AM,

The King of glory and of grace.

One with Himself, i cannot die,

My soul is purchased by His blood.

My life is hid with Christ on high,

With Christ, my Saviour and my God!"

Lyrics: Charitie Bancroft

He shall

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. As for me, i shall call upon the Lord, and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon will i pray and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice." Psalm 55:22, 16-17

Nomadic Man

Photo by Emmanuel Smague

I love his face.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

...and joy broke through... 

     ...two parted lips, bearing the resemblance of a grin...

               ...so abruptly...like awaking in a whole new skin....

             ...and my heart :::::::::: it couldn't help but dance a little

                                              it couldn't help but sing.

 (photo: source unknown.)

Shall flow like rivers..

My Lord, what love is this that pays so dearly

That i the guilty one, may go free

Amazing love, oh what sacrifice

The Son of God given for me

My debt He pays and my death He dies

That i might live, that i might live.

And so they watched Him die

Despised, rejected, but

Oh the blood He shed flowed for me.

And now this love of Christ

Shall flow like rivers

Come wash your guilt away, live again.

- Song lyrics by Graham Kendrick -

Fairy tales and dragons

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - G.K.Chesterton

So....

It appears that i miss people something chronic... right now i'd be prepared to move virtually anywhere to rectify this....

My love

I saw the sky; like honey and molasses dripping from a wooden spoon. Like an eager artist, throwing paint wherever he please. A mischievous boy with his first waterpistol. But really it just reminded me of You. Every splash of water refreshed me like You do. Every streak of light flooded my heart like Your words do. Every wayward cloud shimmered, throwing my thoughts into oblivion - just like You. That sky, my love, proclaimed Your name.

"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork" - Psalm 19.1

3am

It's 3am. I'd like to be asleep. But sleep has not arrived. I wonder, is there still a dawn chorus in winter? I don't hear it in the winter, but maybe it's just quieter? I like how you hear the birds singing when it's still dark in Spring. I think i've said this before. Maybe i will try and sing myself to sleep. Goodnight. 

Strangers

I am indecisive - maybe that makes me fickle too, i don't know. I write posts, then delete them, cos i can't decide if i agree with what i wrote, or if it's what i even think, or if it's right. I mess around designing headers or making things, then decide i hate them. I come up with ideas, like photo projects, then quit after a few days. I say i want to do certain things, or live certain ways, and i truly mean it when i say it, i just rarely keep to it. I'm thinking, this makes me fickle, or something similar... or maybe that's just what humans are like. Anyway, I gave up on my previous photo projects - not on photography completely, i do still like photos, i just didn't like the rigid nature of making myself take a photo everyday. However, i have decided i really do want to try and meet and photograph strangers more - mainly cos i think it's a good way to get chatting to strangers.... and i love chatting to strangers. I also just saw some photos by a guy called Benoit Paillé and found them very inspiring. He takes a lot of pictures of complete strangers - i think they are powerfully emotive - the ones included in this post are by him, although i couldn't bring myself to post any of the more emotive ones, cos they had such a sad feel to them.

Who was and is and is to come..

"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty" - Rev 1.8

A real thing

You are so very old, your face so scarred, wearing the marks of leprosy, so disfigured from years of disease....  but that doesn't hide the beauty that emanates from your eyes.... i've not seen such haunting beauty for a long time......  those eyes of yours pierce to my soul and carry such gentleness and emotion than i can't put it into words....  i can't imagine what pain you've known, or what stories you could tell...... you look so sad and it just weighs me down, yet it makes me see what a shallow fool i've been.... i think, if you'd let me spend a day with you, then i'd be the one to change...... i can't look at you without re-evaluating my whole world view.... i can't gaze into your haunting eyes without wanting to just love you..... i don't even know you, but your face speaks and i hear..... and i'd like to spend my life with people like you..... not because i think i have much to offer you (though i wish i did), poor and sick though you may be, but i think you have much to offer me....... you make me love and all my heartless stupid thoughts fade away..... if only it could stay that way...... you break my heart and mend it in one joint go..... don't think i just value you for the way you challenge my thoughts though.... you make something altogether different happen, you make me want to love you just for you, and for His sake... and i know that love can't come from me, my love is poor and shallow and not love at all.... but it's like you make His love come alive in me and give me eyes to really see. Thank you. Though i see your face only in a picture and i know you'll never read this, though i only feel love and can't actually show it to you, still thank you. 

The only sad thing is, as quickly as his face breathes life and love into me, that fades when i look away because i am quick to forget. But maybe that's because love is a real, not abstract thing. Maybe that's because it's only possible to love individuals in a real way... not just in your mind... so there has to be a situation for it to flow through. Maybe this is why it's so hard to live as a hermit. To say you love certain types of people, for example, is in some ways just an abstract idea.... love isn't just an abstract idea.... love isn't a concept...  love is God.... and God works in a literal and real way, through relationships and individuals..... i guess love responds to specific situations as and when it is presented with them... and you can only love in each moment so much as you let Him, who is love, live in you in that moment, and love through you. And it says that God is near to the lowly and the humble in heart... that He resides with the broken... that when you see someone who is sick or in need and help them, then you are really helping Him... so maybe that's why i see Jesus more in those who are so poor and weak, than in those that appear strong.... maybe that's why this broken old man makes the love of Jesus come alive in me... because Jesus loves to reside with men like him.

(N.B. I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, but i didn't publish it, because it was more just my spontaneous thoughts in that moment & i know it sounds a little silly, cos i addressed it to a man in a photo... i don't know why i'm posting it now, except i have nothing new to write at the moment....)

We wait in hope...

Photo by Nina Hartmann

In the rocks

"The conies are but a feeble folk, yet they make their houses in the rocks." - Proverbs 30.26

"Conscious of their own natural defencelessness, the conies resort to burrows in the rocks, and are secure from their enemies.... Thou art as weak and as exposed to peril as the timid cony, be as wise to seek a shelter..... In Jesus the weak are strong, and the defenceless safe; they could not be more strong if they were giants, or more safe if they were in heaven. Faith gives to men on earth the protection of the God of heaven. More they cannot need, and need not wish. The conies cannot build a castle, but they will avail themselves of what is there already; I cannot make myself a refuge, but Jesus has provided it..." - Spurgeon

Two

I collapsed and had 2 small seizures at the train station earlier, but it could have been a lot worse, i'm ok now, just tired, so i'm thankful really & think i'll just forget about them.

The Kite Runner

"....but better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie." 

- Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

And i'm thankful.

I'm thankful that God is a God of hope... that He is faithful, eternal, steadfast, unchanging, and utterly beautiful... that He is true to His word and faithful to His promises... That He promises not to break a bruised reed or snuff out a smouldering wick, but instead He is a God of restoration who says He will make all things new. I'm thankful that He gives life to what was dead and raises up even dry bones in valleys. That He turns them into living armies, and makes deserts rejoice, wilderness' spring with water, and barren lives bare fruit. That He speaks something into being with a single word and is a God of miracles, imparting life and light where there was only despair. I'm thankful that one day we will see Him with our very own eyes, in all His beauty and Kingly majesty. That we will gaze upon Him and be totally satisified. That we will see the Lamb that was slain and the wounds that He bore so we could be free. I'm thankful that such a King would walk on Earth in humility and grace and endure whipping and beating and mocking and death, for us. I'm looking forward to the day when we will join with multitudes in praising Him for eternity, when every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord, when we will unite in declaring how worthy and Holy and undeniably beautiful He is. 

That kinda sad feeling....

You know when you've had one thing happening after another, and it keeps you kinda busy and focussed, in a good way?..... and then it all finishes and you suddenly realise that it seems like there is nothing ahead of you..... nothing at all.... and you feel kinda sad and lost and lonely.... well i guess that's kinda how i feel today.... but i do feel strangely peaceful too... it's that kinda sad feeling which is actually ok.... the kinda sadness which makes you seek and find refuge in God.....

....

Photo by Sarah Lownes

For the joy set before Him....

"What joy fills my heart,  as i look upon you my people. I stand before this throne, of my Father, and i present to Him, the scars of the names on your behalf, and i long for that day, when you will see my face, and i long, i long for that day, when i will show you, the glories of this creation and all i have made.... oh draw near and you will see, and you will hear, all of heaven looking towards that day, and deep will come and i will come back for you.... and you will see my face, and you will see my face..... Rejoice with me, oh my people, oh my beloved ones, how i love you..... oh, you're mine...." - Rhys Scott

I have a lot of sleepless nights these days.... they are strange times when i switch between feeling intensely frustrated and oppressed, to remembering Bible verses and songs and feeling encouraged.... Last night, after having laid there for a few hours i listened to the above song... it was a spontaneous, prophetic song that i had a copy of on c.d..... and as i listened to it i was amazed again that God actually feels joy over His people..... it seems so illogical, when His people are often so messed up and far from Him..... really there is little to rejoice about in them..... but what struck me was the image of God being a bit like an excited kid with a present.... what i mean is, maybe the joy God feels is a bit like the kind of joy you feel when you've got a present or a surprise for someone which you know they will like... maybe God looks at us, in all our mess, and feels excitement and joy, not because there is good in us now, but because He knows what we will be like one day... because He knows Jesus has brought us and made us His... because He knows one day we will see Him face to face and live in freedom from all our problems on Earth.... maybe because His hope is so pure and untainted, because He knows for certain how things will turn out, He looks at everything on Earth through eyes which see things not just as they are now, but as they will be.... when they are all made new.... and maybe, like a little kid who is bursting with excitement at the thought of giving a present to someone, He bursts with excitement as He knows how beautiful everything will turn out in the end..... I kinda like thinking about God like that..... I mean, it must be so strange to be God, as He must be utterly grieved by the sin and brokeness on earth, but at the very same time, He feels joy over how things will be..... anyway, what made God's joy seem more beautiful to me, was the realisation that it is joy which stems completely out of love..... out of a heart that is so pure in it's desires that it looks at broken, sinful people, and rejoices because He knows He has the answer, because He knows He has the perfect plan and perfect remedy for every situation... because He knows how everything fits together and will work out in the end... even when it just looks a mess to us.... so, even before we have received all He has to give us, He rejoices at the hope of what's to come... 

Sanchez

Illustrations by Jennifer Sanchez. Simply because I like them.

Walking drunkenly...

"Attack me, i do this myself, but attack me rather than the path i follow and which i point out to anyone who asks me where i think it lies. If i know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because i am staggering from side to side? If it is not the right way, then show me another way; but if i stagger and lose the way, you must help me, you must keep me on the true path, just as i am ready to support you. Do not mislead me, do not be glad that i have got lost, do not shout out joyfully: "Look at him! He said he was going home, but there he is crawling into a bog!" No, do not gloat, but give me your help and support." - Leo Tolstoy

.....I think Tolstoy makes a very valid point here....  at the end of the day we are all just stumbling along, making mistakes... although it would be great if you could really look at Christians and see lives that truly reflect the nature of Jesus, if you really saw people who lived up to his commandments, at best what you see isn't that at all, but just people who consistently fail and sin and mess up, yet trust in the unconditionality of God's love and mercy and grace... I'm not saying that we shouldn't seek to be more like Jesus... i think we should... i'm simply saying that the fact that we fail and walk drunkenly doesn't make the One we seek to follow any less beautiful, or any less true. If anything, it just magnifies the fact that He is so amazingly gracious to bare with us when we are so utterly undeserving of it. However, i do still echo Tolstoy's cry and don't want to be content with walking drunkenly.... i would rather be led back on the right way when i stumble into a bog..... and i would rather help lead others back on the right way, when they stumble, and not judge. I know i owe a lot to those who have helped me, rather than judged me, when i've fallen.... and i am grateful for the glimpse of God's patient heart that this has given me.

I weep for you now

The fool in his heart says "there is no God / and he will not find me out / There's no right, no wrong, no truth anymore / No anchor for the soul." / Pride is the hand that strokes the cat's back / They say "there's nothing you can prove. / We live our lives like gamblers taking chances / We have the right to choose." / The great day of the Lord is near and coming soon / He'll come like a thief in the night / There'll be people getting married, laughing, singing, having a good time / Just getting on with life. / Then suddenly every eye will see Him coming / With all His angels in the sky. / He'll sweep away every cause of evil from the face of the earth / There'll be nowhere left to hide. / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you. / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you. / No eye has seen, no ear has heard, nor has the heart conceived / All the things God has prepared for them that love Him. / It's way beyond their wildest dreams / There's no death, no mourning, no crying, no pain / He'll wipe every tear from their eyes / They will see His face and all their questions will be answered / There will be no sense of time. / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you / The fires of hell were made for the devil and his angels / And those who choose to go / There's no light, no joy, no sound of laughter there / No music to soothe the soul / Only the sound of weeping and crying, grinding of teeth / Over how things could've been / Consumed by the flames of remorse and regret / They'll be outside looking in / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you / The wedding feast of the Lamb has come, and His bride is ready / She's beautiful to see / She's dressed in fine linen, spotless, clean and bright / Showing all her righteous deeds. / There's music and laughter, singing and dancing, great celebrations / As they enter through the door / And like all true lovers who long to be together / They will forever more. / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you.

- Song lyrics by Bryn Haworth - 

Coloured Clouds

(via autumnbird)

...and maybe the clouds will be coloured and everything will be alright.... and when it rains it might sparkle, like snowflakes in sunlight.... and maybe the seas will be calmed even though the storms rage on..... and maybe the sky will come alive, painting songs for my eyes..... and maybe all this wind will blow my sails to a new and better shore..... and maybe hope will be restored, as coloured crayons sketch away the grey...... 

Strange Observation

I have noticed that when i look at things...  anything.... photos, drawings, nature, life, people.... i almost subconciously turn what i see into a prayer, it happens before i even realise it.... or i read some deeper meaning into it and let it prompt a stream of thought or somehow speak to me.... sometimes i write these streams of conciousness on here..... but they are simply that, streams of spontaneous thought, and never me trying to write something in a certain way. Anyway, i seem to spend my life like this.... making analogies out of the simplest things... it's like i think through the visual, as much as words.....  like a feather on the ground is never just a feather on the ground to me.... and a coloured picture is far more than what the natural eyes see.... or a broken door isn't just a bit of rotten wood, it bares the traces of all the lives that have entered in or out of it..... most of the time though, i don't even attach words or concious thoughts to what i see, but i know that somehow it's come alive in me and transformed itself into some kind of deep mystery....... i wonder, is this strange?.....  or is this just one of the reasons we were given eyes to see?...  

I guess everyone sees things differently.... through the filter of their own hearts and minds and experiences...... i guess that makes life open to misinterpretation... but i also guess it means that things that are just inanimate on their own, come alive uniquely to each person who sees them..... i kinda like this and take it to be a good thing.... maybe it's how God uses everyday life to speak to us. 

Then shall...

"Then shall... the tongue of the dumb sing for joy." - Isaiah 35.6

At 3am, when i couldn't sleep again, i was thinking about this verse. You know, it actually makes my heart come alive and fills my face with the biggest smile and my eyes with joyful tears..... i think it's such a beautiful promise. Imagine every person who has never been able to utter a word, just bursting out in song...quite simply i love it. 

I'll wander...

...if wandering would take me anywhere.... 

Photo by Nathaniel.

What words are these?

He said "touch me and see." To a doubting boy, He gave His flesh, and simply said "put out your hand - touch, and see." What words are these that reach a doubting man's deepest need? What words are these that command our every breath? Speak life to what was death. Form man from dust, all that is seen created by the lyrics flowing from His lips. 

Words that set the leper free, from both disease and social scorn. "I will, be clean" He said, and reached His hand to touch the untouchable reject. Words that make a mute man talk, a blind man see, a lame man walk, a demon flee. And to a little girl, who sleeps in death, He speaks just like she's His sweet child: "Little girl, i say to you, arise." Such tender words restore her life. To the lady satan bound for 18 long years, He says: "Woman, you are freed.." His words meet people in their needs. 

What words are these that speak hope to a grieving Mother; her child hanging on a tree: "Woman, behold your Son!" As His body was torn, He thinks not of Himself, but His Mother's loss instead. He cries "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do", such mercy flows to those who nailed Him to His death. And to a common thief He says: "Today, you will be with me in Paradise." All this, whilst dying in agony on a cross, forsaken by His Father, baring the weight of sin and shame. Who else speaks like this? And then 3 final words that rip through every darkened night: "It is finished." Complete. Done. Forever more. He stripped the mocker of his game and conquered death; raised back to life He will always reign.

These words that flow like honey-dew, taste sweet and pure and cleanse my lips. Yet sharp as glass and full of strength, they'll pierce right though a heart of stone. They come alive in paradox, yet tolerate nothing false. These words that part the sheep from goats, that look through eyes and read the soul, that label frauds as white-washed tombs, yet beckon sinners to come home. They see straight through the words we speak, and answer hearts not simply lips.

Such words as these that speak the truth, and never fear to challenge man: "If your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away."....."If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to Him the other also."...."Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."...."As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.".... "Forgive your brother from your heart.".... "Let He who is without sin, cast the first stone.".... and to that woman, who knew her sin "neither do i condemn you, go and from now on sin no more."

What words are these that claim deity: "Before Abraham was born, I AM." That prove He was a King, yet still He bowed in humble submission: "Not My will, but Yours be done." So full of love and rich with heart: "How often would i have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, but you would not." He says it as it is. 

Words that rebuke winds and calm the sea: "Peace: Be still." That comfort man in all His fear: "It is I, do not be afraid.".... "Take heart, I have overcome the World." And promise "nothing will be impossible" with so much as a grain of faith. Words that impart hope to the most parched and shrivelled soul: "If anyone thirts, let him come to me and drink.".... and speak of love that is so deep: "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends."

And still He called Judas His "friend." The man betrayed Him. It does not change what Jesus said. And when accused, He spoke not a word in His own defence. 

So, words are fickle? Half-pretense? Maybe ours, but no, not His. I am in love with His. They are more beautiful than any others i've heard upon this Earth. Though i forget with ease, and disobey too much, underneath it all i know such words as these i can't ignore. They're mercy to my burdened heart and peace that cuts through confused thought. Such words as these make me cry: 'Speak Lord, into my soul.... Your words alone are what i seek....You are the word become flesh.... The sum of all Your words is You: This God-man, this beauty, this servant-King.'

Worth Living

"Before God there is no life not worth living, for life itself is deemed by God to have value. The fact that God is the creator, sustainer, and redeemer of life makes even the most miserable life worth living before God. Poor Lazarus, who, covered with sores, lay at the gate of the rich man while dogs licked his sores, that man without any social value, that victim of those who judge life according to its usefulness, is considered by God to be worthy of eternal life." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I love this God, who turns the World upside down. Who says to the weakest, most useless beings, that they can spend eternity with Him, just because it pleases Him to show such mercy. The God who doesn't judge like the World judges... who doesn't measure people by success and failure, social standing, or how much or little they do or achieve. He makes faith the measure of self. And simply looking to Him, is worth more than every other activity that can be played out on Earth. This is the God that i love.

Glimpses

Photo by Kristin Manson

"The mind is the window of the heart. If we let our minds dwell on the dark, the heart will feel dark. If we open the window of our mind to the light, the heart will feel the light." - John Piper

I changed my blog title, in order to remind myself of the initial reason i started this: to encourage myself to focus on "whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious...." (Phil 4.18)  Sometimes this seems easier said that done, it's like our minds take on a life of their own and it can be hard to reign them in. At least that's what i find. At times i know my mind dwells a long way from the light, but despite that, i do have to thank God for the glimpses of light that He gives me. One day we will be fully saturated in light.... and i'm aching for that day... to be honest, i'd like to be saturated in light right now, but i will settle for glimpses, although i hope that those glimpses become deeper and richer and brighter each day.... glimpses that cause all darkness to flee. He does say that "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer 29.13) and i know that is true. So, whilst i praise Him for glimpses of light... i will seek Him for floods...

Good or Bad?

I wrote this post a while back, but never published it. For a long time i have been debating how much photography and art can be used for real worthwhile good. This may sound surprising considering the nature of most of my blog. Anyway, the recent photography projects that i started have caused me to think about it again, and i think i'm actually going to stop taking photos. For a hundred and ten reasons.

One thing which profoundly affected my view on photography, and was the reason i refused to take a single photo for at least 2 or 3 years, was an article i read about a hill-tribe in Laos a number of years ago. They are called the Hmong people and are pictured above. They fought on the side of America in the Vietnam war and consequently ended up fighting against their own government. When the war was over they had to go in to hiding in the jungles because their own government started hunting them. At the time they expected America to help them, but America didn't; they were left in poor, basic conditions, always on the run.

The reason this relates to photography is because in order to write the article, some BBC journalists searched for the Hmong tribe, to photograph and find out about them. When they approached the tribe it was the first time the people had seen Westerners in 25 years. The tribe broke down and wept. They thought that the Westerners had finally come back to help them, to 'save' them and they wept tears of relief. Instead of 'saving' them from their terrible circumstances, the Westerners took photos of them and simply left them there.

I can't describe how upset and angry this makes me. Even now it makes me cry every time i think about it. It made me desperately never want to be someone who just takes photos and 'records' things, or even writes about things, but doesn't actually do something to help in a situation too. I know, in a sense, this is what i am doing even now, i am just 'writing' about it - i am being a hypocrite.

I remember around that time i watched a film too, in which there was a tidal wave which was sweeping over the earth. As the wave approached, there were people filming and trying to take photos, whilst people next to them were drowning. Although it was just a film, i felt like shouting 'You idiots, just help save the people, stop filming it.' 

I know things aren't black and white. I know photos can be used powerfully to inform and show people things they'd have never of otherwise seen. Ironically, i even know that if the photos of the Hmong tribe had never been taken, i would never have seen the expressions on their faces and never realised how deeply they wanted to be helped... ironically it is the photos themselves that made me feel upset and made me care for this tribe i've never met. However, despite the 'emotional affect' such photos can have on people, still how much does this really stem into good? How many thousands of photos have i seen and yet how little have i done in response to them? Do they really have any power?

I know that photos and art can be used for good. I would be ignorant to suggest otherwise. In what i've written i'm really not judging any artists or photographers, this is simply something i've been considering on a personal level. Who am i to know what is right for someone else?

The thing is, most things can be used positively and negatively.... a knife can be used to kill, or it can be used by a surgeon in an operation to heal..... I suppose what matters is the heart of the person doing it and their reasons.... and also getting the right balance between 'recording' things and actually helping.

I still feel none the wiser though. And still feel that, for me, taking photos right now is probably a waste of time. If i take photos of strangers i meet, but do nothing to help love them or serve them, then i am no different to the journalists who photographed the Hmong tribe. I don't want to be like that. I feel pretty much the same about writing too... even this post is stressing me out, i'm just rambling....

And if....

Old men, lost thoughts & being present....

I met such a sweet old man today and chatted to him for ages - it was very refreshing. He confirmed what i already suspected; that there are a lot of lonely old people living in the bungalows around me. His wife died recently and he was telling me how he trys to go fishing in the canal as much as possible because he finds it too lonely being in his house all on his own. By the end of the conversation i even decided to ask him if i could take his portrait one day - i didn't have my camera with me, but he was very keen and told me i can come round anytime. He did have a great face and i would love to capture it, but to be honest i'm more glad just to have a reason to go round and chat to him again. For ages i've been wanting to get to know the old people round here more... i can't help but feel heavy hearted when i walk past their bungalows and see them sitting all alone through the window... but it's hard to find a way to get to know them. Anyway, i'm looking forward to seeing him again, although i am a little concerned by his overly enthusiastic reaction to the discovery that despite looking 13, i was actually 26 years old, and single... apparently he has a grandson just the right age who he wants to set me up with... ha ha! I just laughed. 

I also had a very enjoyable hour taking photos today..... i didn't actually get any shots that i like, but i don't mind that, because what i discovered was that in that hour i seemed to exist in a way that i rarely exist... it's hard to explain, but it's like i was free from my mind and just at peace, lost in appreciation of the beauty of what God's created. It's like i was stripped of thoughts and simply 'was'.... and i can't explain how refreshing that was. My mind can, at times, be my worst enemy, so to slip away from it for a short time was great. I guess i must have had some thoughts, but what i mean is, i was present in that moment not absent, i wasn't dwelling on the past or the future or some complicated stream of thought, i wasn't fighting unwanted thoughts. I need to learn to be present more. To give myself fully to the task that i am doing at any given time, to give myself fully to others. I know that taking photos isn't serving or loving anyone else, so perhaps this isn't a good example, but i guess what i'm saying is, as much as i value the gift of thought, i would rather live out my life on earth in real situations, not just in my mind. I would rather spontaneously live out of my heart and the life that God gives, than analysing and worrying about every situation. 

Tracing the untraceable

 - Photo by Nikoline -

As my finger searches out the pattern of Your endless grace, i realise it is virtually untraceable, because it is unmeasurable, because it is immense. I could sit here for eternity and barely cover a fraction of it's path. It's vaster than the ocean and so much a part of You that every molecule in Your river beats with it's rhythm. I can't separate each trail of grace, because they are so intertwined, and at the end of all my searching, I just find You - You are grace. So, I will just marvel at how vast You are, wishing only that i could fully abandon myself and swim forever through Your streams of love and grace, let Your water so wash over me, that i consistently reflect the hallmarks of such amazing grace.

365 days and a stranger a week

I started a photography project today, actually i'm starting 2 projects. The first one is simply a 365 day project - i plan to take a photo a day for the next year, i'm not sure if there will be a common theme yet or not. The 2nd project is a weekly project, in which i aim to photograph a stranger a week, also for the next year.

I have no deep or meaningful reason for doing it, i just feel like it. However, I did figure it would be quite interesting to find and photograph a stranger a week - i decided it might make me a bit bolder, as i plan to ask their permission and chat to them before i take their portrait. I would also like to learn more about photography and so taking a photo a day will be good practise. Plus it will probably be good for me just to get more fresh air and exercise. I also hope it will encourage me to keep my eyes open more and to look at things in a different way - i think it's so easy to miss so much in life, simply because we don't really 'see'. There are so many things to thank God for when you actually stop and look around.

Anyway, i will see how it goes - if i feel it's completely unfruitful and a waste of time, i will stop... it's quite likely that i will decide to stop, as i have had a constant debate with myself for years over how useful photography really is. But saying that, I did actually have so much fun doing it today - i completely forgot about everything else and was fully absorbed in it. I'm not certain if that's a good thing or not, maybe it means it was escapism, i don't know, but i felt relaxed and uplifted afterwards. 

Lift up your eyes

Quite simply, i love these photos by Lauren Withrow. 

For a 16 year old self-taught photographer she takes some pretty good shots.

All things

I love the above verse, taken from Rev 21.5. Today is the first time i have thought about it in combination with the verse below, from 1 Corinthians 13.7. Both of them include the phrase "all things" and i like how that links them together. One day all things will be made new.... and that newness is only possible because of love.... which bears, believes, hopes and endures "all things." Love is the medium through which all things are made new.... because love is patient and persists and waits; enduring, bearing, believing and hoping, giving its very self to "all things", until that newness is complete.

Three Hundred

I just realised that yesterday i published my 300th post. How can i have written 300 posts? I guess i have been keeping this blog for over 2 and a half years, but still, maybe 300 is a little excessive!  I also have 94 posts saved in my drafts section.... They are generally more raw and emotion-laden than those that i've published... and consequently i never quite had the courage to make them public. I was just re-reading some of my early posts and i couldn't help but laugh at the cringe-worthy way in which i wrote! But it did also make me very grateful to the grace God has shown me over the years and reminded me how good he has been to me. I was also grateful to re-read people's comments from a few years ago. Anyway, although i primarily write for my own benefit, because it helps me to gather my thoughts, and focus my attention, i know that my blog is set to public, so various people have read and commented over the years - so i want to say thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings and thank you to anyone who has left me comments. I'm pretty sure that most people who previously read my blog, don't actually read it anymore, so i doubt they will see this thank you, but never mind, i shall say it anyway, even if i am just talking to the air.