the first gleam of dawn

"The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day." - Proverbs 4.18

What a beautiful verse. 

..of magic and mystery..

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name.... That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still." 

- Frederick Buechner 

wild grace

I was out at the park yesterday admiring the daises that have appeared in little clusters all over the grass. I think there's something about wild flowers that those grown neatly in a row lack. They display a kind of freedom and different sort of beauty to those arranged and planted exactly by a gardner. When i thought about it more i decided that they demonstrate a kind of grace. If someone works hard and digs the soil and plants seeds in an orderly way, then you expect a flower to grow there. But when flowers appear in places in the wild, where no-one has specifically gone out and planted them and watered them, then it's like they appear by grace..... as a gift from God. Obviously the life in any flower is a gift, and even if someone plants a seed and waters it, they can't make it grow, that still comes from God. But those in the wild somehow seem like even more of a gift i think. It's like the goodness and joy of God can't help but burst up all over the place, whether or not a gardner planted seeds there. I like that. Maybe that's why i like the simple beauty of wild flowers and gardens and woods so much.

milk sky

More polaroid photos by Nanako Koyama. I love her style and the photos she takes. I've recently decided that i really love polaroid cameras too, which is a bit stupid considering they are about to stop making them. 

flowers for you

"And when the sap in me doth fail

And natural vigor of my youth, 

Then may Thy life in me prevail, 

That i may still show forth in truth 

By flower and fruit on this my tree, 

How good my Gardener is to me."

- Amy Carmichael -

- Polaroid photo by Japanese photographer  Nanako Koyama. -

A miracle

About 5 years ago i reached a point of despair and anguish.... the worst i've ever experienced.... i don't know why it got so bad, but it did. I was just overwhelmed by life. Originally i wrote more about this, but i don't think it's necessary to include that anymore, words can't really explain it accurately.... all i need to say is that i needed God's help badly.

At the beginning of 2004 i experienced what i can only describe as a miracle. One day i woke up and just felt so much more free and felt fresh joy again. I remember i wanted to sing with happiness all morning. And from then on i gradually just felt a sense of relief. I don't know quite how it happened, but my head felt clear again and i felt like the burden and pain was gradually lifted. I stopped feeling so overwhelmed and felt new hope again. The physical problems i was having also eased. And the biggest change was probably in my mind. I remember i fully felt at peace in trusting God's sovereignty and realised again that it truely all is about HIS glory, and therefore He knows how to work all things out to that end and i just have to trust Him, even with the salvation of my friends and family. My whole mindset was changed and somehow i was able to trust God in a new way. It might not sound like a miracle, but the crucial thing was that i had nothing to do with this new change. I had reached a point of desperation and was unable to help myself in any way. It was so clearly God who broke into my heart and mind and helped me. It was the biggest miracle i have known since my salvation.

For about the next 9 months i experienced new hope and joy nearly every day. I knew such beautiful freedom and genuine joy that following summer, it was incredible. I would go to the park and dance and sing and i'd wake up every morning truly excited about spending time with God and about life. God gave me hope again and humbled me greatly.

The next thing that happened, whilst i still was in this great period of freedom, was that my epilepsy started. I think that the only way i was able to deal with my epilepsy was because God had already broken me and taught me to trust the goodness of His sovereignty the previous year. I could truely trust Him with my epilepsy and felt little fear over it..... i knew that somehow God would work it out for His glory, and that was what mattered.... it wasn't about me, but about Him and His honour and glory and praise.

For some reason i felt that it was right for me to share this on my blog. Perhaps it is the most open i've been yet. But i wanted to thank God for the miracle He did in me and testify to it. When i remember this i feel again that anything is possible with God. I know too that my parents prayed alot for me during that time and it encourages me that prayer has so much power. I want to praise God for helping me those years ago and for His continual help now. It really was a miracle.

How great are You Lord

How great are You Lord

How great is Your mercy

How great are the things

That You have done for me

How great are You Lord

Your loving kindness

Is filling my heart as i sing

How great are You Lord

How great is Your love

It reaches to the heavens

How great is the heart

That sought and rescued me.

(by Lynn DeShazo)

I shall be satisfied

"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh i will see God." - Job 19:25-26

I love this verse. I love this promise. That in my flesh i will see God. That i will gaze at His beauty and look into His eyes. That in the end He will stand upon the earth. Victorious. As the King. That all will bow before Him and He alone will be exalted. I long for the day i see Him face to face. This hope feeds my soul. This hope keeps me alive. This hope brings me alive. I know that my Redeemer lives and i shall be satisfied with seeing Him.

Blue Summer

My birthday cards from my parents.

Images by Lauren Bishop.

The plate

I promised Maddy i would put a photo of her plate on my blog, simply because i like the design of it and enjoyed my orange that morning. So here it is! - Not the best of photos, but it will remind me of the lovely weekend i had with all the girls in Worthing. It was a joy to spend time with them.

I have decided...

I have decided that....

1. I'm still as bad at decision making as i ever was.

2. I'm going to train myself to be decisive. If that's possible.

3. I need to get out and about more. I feel so much more alive when i leave the house, even just for a walk.

4. I'm going to finish my speech and language therapy degree, if i'm able to.

5. I need to sort out how to spend my time more efficiently.

6. I really do need to come off my drugs. Not because i want to be rebellious or stupid or have some notion that i can manage without, but simply because of the side-effects and the way i know they are affecting me for the worse. I know nobody will agree with me on this one, so i probably won't be able to yet, but i look forward to the day when i can.

7. I am so grateful for the support and love of my friends and family and God. I am nothing on my own. This isn't a new decision, it's not even a decision, it's just a fact that i was thinking about again.

..the extent of my deviation...

“The test of observance of external religious teachings is whether or not our conduct conforms with their decrees, such conformity is indeed possible. The test of observance of Christ's teachings is our consciousness of our failure to attain an ideal perfection. The degree to which we draw near this perfection cannot be seen, all we can see is the extent of our deviation.” - Lee Tolsty

The Puzzle!

And so my  puzzle is now complete! The combined work of Liz, Debs, Lucy, Kirsty, Jeni and Maddy. I hope they don't mind me putting it on here, but i've loved receiving it in it's little stages. It was a genius idea and of much encouragement.

... A quarter of a Century...

"The slopes behind the woods were misty with bluebells, and through the thin veil of young green i caught a glint of kingcups. I was so happy it almost hurt....."  

I love the above quote. It's from the Tanglewoods' Secret, by Patricia St. John. And although the picture i've included doesn't quite match, i don't mind, because i love the picture too... and it's of poppies, in a misty field, so it's kinda similar! My Mum took it. It's my 25th birthday today. Theoretically i'm actually still 24 because i was born at 4:25 in the afternoon..... but in 25 minutes time i truely will be 25. Strange. I still feel like a kid. That quote is from a children's book too and i feel most happy when i'm around kids. On Monday a lady from my church invited me to spend the afternoon with her and her children and my dog.... we went to a nearby reservoir and i have to say that it was so refreshing and fun. My dog behaved amazingly well too, which was a relief. I don't know what it is about children that makes me love them so much, but i do. Anyway, i'm 25 now, so i can't pretend to be a child myself for much longer!

At the weekend i saw my old housemate Jen, it was a complete joy to spend time with her and she gave me some beautiful irises and roses .. i wanted to put a photo of them on here but my camera is not co-operating! The photo below is of a card that my other old housemate, also called Jen, gave me for my birthday. I love it. It's by an artist named Jenny Frean:

Today, more than anything else, i want to thank God for giving me 25 years of life so far. What a privelege to be alive. What a privelege to belong to Jesus.

"Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is with in me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisifies you with good, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." - Psalm 103

the little children

The ponderings of my heart.... only read at risk of entering into my confused head...

These days my heart is for children more than ever. I see them and i find myself crying gently with longing for their future to be good and untainted by this harsh world. I long to live in the innocence of childhood again myself. Is that wrong? Yesterday i read about a little girl who died simply by being in a car too long and overheating. It breaks my heart that the hope and life of a child can suddenly be taken away, and with that the dreams of a parent. I see children and wonder at the fact that once upon a time all the adults i know were just little kids too...... just little children with their own innocent and naive dreams, with their own longings.. even those who are now in prison, those who are on the streets with nowhere to live..... i think what breaks my heart most is the realisation that this is what our world is like... tainted and corrupt.... that all the little children will at some stage have their dreams broken, their hearts broken, will fall into sin like the rest of us..... and those who come to know Jesus will one day be alright, be healed, be restored, though even they will suffer for a while..... but what of those who never get to know Jesus? and in the end, no matter what, some will never know Jesus, because the Bible says so..... and i know and trust that God has it all under control, for His greater glory, which is what matters most...... but still sometimes my heart wonders, what of those who never know Him? who are left broken in their sin? my heart crys for them..... even now, it hurts so badly, what can i do? ..... i know, Jesus has done it all on the cross.... 'it is finished' were the words He said...... and He knows best, yes, He knows best........... yet i know too we are responsible to help Jesus in the task of saving some.

The lifter of our heads

We are your inheritance, we are your reward 

And your our glory and the lifter of our heads. 

Listen can you hear it, the Spirit and the bride

Whisper Jesus, Maranatha Come,

Oh come, oh come to us,

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

I went to London recently and my siblings showed me round Camden. I had an enjoyable time, but when it came to going past some of the shops i had to wear headphones because they were blasting out such loud trance music and my epilepsy is sensitive to certain types of music. Anyway, the song i listened to instead was the one above. It's a good song. 

( song by Paul Oakley )

Please be Still

 by Jen Renninger from Please be still.

arthur's circus

- from arthur's circus -

Sometimes i wonder why it is that i like things that are battered and broken so much. I'm drawn to them like i'm drawn to run down council estates and the kids that play there. There's something about this photo that i love. Maybe it reminds me of other places close to my heart, or maybe it just makes a good photo.

Wounded with sweet words

"Perhaps the best paragraph in the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy is when Frodo is honored with a song to celebrate his success in destroying the Ring of Doom.

And all the host laughed and wept, and in the midst of their merriment and tears the clear voice of the minstrel rose like silver and gold, and all men were hushed. And he sang to them…until their hearts, wounded with sweet words, overflowed, and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness. (The Return of the King, 933)

Like those who listened to the minstrel’s song, we who see our Savior in the last day will also be made merry with the story of his victory. And we too will be hushed by and wounded with the sweet words that are sung of his self-sacrifice on our behalf.

We will have joy like swords—bright and piercing—and all of the pain and loss of Christ’s death (and our daily dying with him) will only mix with and enhance our bliss." 

- Tyler Kenney, Desiring God

Himalayan Children

- Himalayan Children on the border of Afghanistan. -

- From the National Geographic website, courtesy of my sister Hannah. -

"The Lord stood at my side and gave me strength." 2 Tim. 4:17

as bad as stoning...

I love the way Jesus speaks, the way He acts, it never ceases to amaze me. I was thinking again today about the woman who was caught in adultery and the scribes and pharisees who wanted her to be stoned and asked Jesus what He thought. His reply was 'let Him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.' It's a famous passage in the Bible and a genius answer from Jesus. The reason it struck me more today was because i saw "The Kite runner"as a film a few weeks ago. For the first time in my life i saw a woman being stoned publicly. I know that it was just acting, but it still really disturbed me. I guess i'd never really thought deeply about being stoned and the relief the woman must have felt when she wasn't condemned and walked away free. It must have been amazing relief she felt. I guess i don't always dwell on all it is i've been saved from, it probably isn't good to dwell on it, but it would be as bad as stoning, so my relief is the same as hers, though often i forget it.  

I must just say..

I just have to say that my orchid really does make me happy. It had no flowers on it for 6 months, and i was beginning to wonder if it actually was dead, but then they started to come again and now it has 6 beautiful flowers and another 6 buds. It truly does make me smile.

Frost

Honestly and truely i've never seen anything like it. Never seen a day as strangely mysterious and beautiful as today. Never seen a sea of silver white coating the trees and hedges and plants with such exact precision as i saw today. Everything was covered in frost for the entire day. We drove through the countryside and it was like driving though another world. Like driving through a ghost town, yet seriously beautiful. Like everything had just been dipped in water and frozen instantly. It was so different to snow, which collects in lumps and goes to sludge. Here every tiny detail and shape was outlined. The air was full of mist and i was honestly stunned. Frost may sound like a normal occurance, but today was so different. My parents were shocked and have never seen it before either. It made me look at everything in a fresh way. It made me marvel at God's creation. 

Whenever there is cold weather like this my Dad says the same thing: "It's good for the ground you know. It will kill off all the bad bacteria and bugs." And it's true. Every season is useful for it's own reasons. And i know it's the same in our lives too. 

I've actually had a fresh wave of happiness hit me the last week or so. Happiness that makes me want to leap in the street and has caused me to sing outloud whilst walking my dog. Maybe the sun has made a difference, most days recently it has been so beautiful that i want to thank God for everything i can see and hear. I end up walking down the road with a big grin on my face and laughing to myself. I'm happy that spring is on it's way. But as today reminded me, i'm also happy with winter.

What has gone wrong?

I've just spent ages trying to upload a picture and it's taken so long that i've grown impatient and have decided to just write a post instead. I have nothing to say though. That's the problem. There was a time when i could have written several posts a day, alongside pages in my own journal. But these days i'm stuck for worthwhile things to write. And that bothers me greatly. Not because i want to write something for the sake of my blog, but because i consider there to be a link between what comes out of you and what is in you. If there is nothing flowing out of me, then it makes me wonder what is going on within me. Am i dead and stale and feeding on yesterday's thoughts? Where have my eyes gone - eyes that search for life and see beauty around me that i can then recall? I post pictures on here instead of things that really matter. What has gone wrong? 

today i feel...

Today i feel thankful for today. Not because i've done anything useful with it, i haven't, but simply because it existed. It's an amazing thing to wake up and find the sun still shining and life still going on around me.... the oceans still steadily throw waves upon the shore, the birds dance around looking for food and singing in the process, the hills and grass and trees and early flowers still remain, the kids across the road from me still chatter and shout, i am still alive and can breathe and talk and move and think.... why should this be so? why should today exist? why should tomorrow exist? i take it all for granted so often. I forget how intricate and wonderful God's creation is, i forget that it is He who makes hearts beat and things grow and breathes life into everything... i forget that He is life. Today i'm thankful for all that. Today i'm thankful for this day. 

Photo Booths

Enlarged photo booth pictures. Nice.