Various people asked me this week to explain to them how i reached a place of knowing God had healed me. I find it hard to explain, but because i am aware that some people think it's all in my mind, i thought it might be beneficial to explain how integral Jesus Himself was in the whole process! So, i've decided to include a copy of something i wrote on May 6th.... This was the day that i felt sure it was right to come off my medication and noted down the reasons why. The following is an extract from this:
"I'm writing this to honour Jesus and to explain now why i feel it necessary to stop taking my anticonvulsant drugs. This is a decision i am making myself because i want to walk in obedience to that which i feel the Spirit is leading me to do.
I haven’t been thinking about coming off my drugs recently, i haven’t been trying to find a way to be able to, so i know what i felt today isn’t just me trying to come up with a way i can stop.
I read the bit in Isaiah 53.5 where it says “and by His wounds we are healed.” And i can’t explain why, but today i saw it in a whole new way. Today i really felt the weight of that. I felt like i could almost see the very back of Jesus with lashes in it and how real they were. More than that, i felt like i could see that one of them was for my seizures... like it almost had it written in it..... and i found myself wondering how many lashes he had to have so i could be healed from my seizures? how many did he have to endure so i could be free? and then i thought, maybe they are written in each lash... maybe each lash contains all sin and all sickness.... which means that each lash must have hurt so much... not just from the physical pain, but because it contains everyone else’s sickness and sin.... it must have hurt so badly, cut so deeply. And as i saw this and felt this i couldn’t help but think that i want to honour what He did for me. I want to honour what He endured, by accepting that as the only way in which i can be truly healed. I don’t feel that i can take a drug to try and stop my seizures, as if somehow a drug has more power or worth than the wounds He suffered. I don’t want to give one ounce of my faith or hope to anything else here.
It felt to me that by taking drugs i’m saying that the finished work of Jesus isn’t quite enough. That maybe i need to add drugs, just incase. That maybe i need to follow this method, just incase that’s how Jesus wants to work, rather than simply taking Him at His word and believing in His beautiful finished work. It’s hard for me to put it into words, but i saw it so clearly in my head and heart and i felt that to trust in anything else even slightly is wrong.
What i’m getting at is that when someone believes in Jesus for their salvation we don’t say to them that they should keep following the law just incase. We tell them that their faith is enough. It’s so simple. All you do is believe in Jesus, and your soul is saved. If we get this wrong they could go to hell for eternity. The salvation of a soul is of much greater worth than present physical healing..... yet we are prepared to let people simply believe in Jesus for their soul to be saved, but reluctant to do the same when it comes to physical healing... with physical healing we seem to feel we have to add something to the mix ourselves. Well, i want Jesus alone. I want it to be pure. I want to honour Him above all else. Lift Him above all these human methods and ways of trying to achieve something. To lift Him above and show i believe He is worth so much more than all these other things.
There is also that verse in the Bible about how whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin. Well i don’t have faith in the drugs and the doctor’s methods... so i feel for me it is sinful to follow after that. For me i feel i have no other desire but to follow after Jesus. To look at Him alone for my healing.
Recently i have developed a real appreciation of horses. I keep noticing them and have been realising just what amazing creatures they are. Their muscles are so beautifully strong. They look majestic. They look like they would win in a battle. Like they have strength which would carry you and help you. BUT, the more i keep appreciating them the more i keep reading in the Bible about how we shouldn’t put our trust in horses. There is the verse that says “some trust in horses, some trust in chariots, but we put our trust in the name of the Lord.” And the one about how God doesn’t delight in the strength of a horse... and others. Anyway, i guess what i’m saying is, that in a way the horse seems to represent my drugs to me. It looks like it could be a good thing, like it could win... but we shouldn’t trust in that... we are called to put our trust in the name of the Lord. I want to do that. In the old testament there are so many examples of how God never used what naturally would seem like the best method... like with Gideon when He weaned the army down to a small number which had no chance of winning on it’s own... and the point is, they win because of God alone, not their horses or anything. To other people it might seem foolish, but if you know God is on your side, it’s not foolish, but wise. To trust in the name of the Lord above horses and chariots is surely much better. I want to do that.
As i’m writing this i’m reminded too of the part in the Old Testament where Moses is told by God to hold up a snake on a stick, so that anyone who is bitten by a snake can look at it and be healed. I know it’s meant to be a representation of when Jesus died and all we have to do is to look and be healed (spiritually and physically i believe) I guess that’s what i want to do now. Just look at Jesus and be healed. I believe that is enough.
I guess my overall feeling is that there is no method, no structure, no man-made way to healing.... the only thing that counts is Jesus and faith in Him. And for some reason i feel like i’ve been granted new faith today. Like when someone is granted faith for salvation. More than anything, and really the only thing that counts, is the lashes i saw in Jesus’ back. If i came up with lots of signs or reasons why i should come off my drugs they would be pointless if the central thing, the central reason, wasn’t pure faith in Jesus. I want to honor the fact that He gave His whole life so i could be healed. I receive that and praise Him for it.
I realise that what i am doing may seem risky to others, but i would rather walk in obedience to the Spirit and to Scripture and know i had integrity, i would rather say by this action that Jesus is worth more than all else, even if it seems foolish or risky to others. I believe we are called to step out in obedience.... and trust God with everything. I take responsibility for what i am doing. Even if it cost me my life.
I am not making a generalisation either. I can’t judge other people or their situations. It has taken over 4 years of me having drugs to reach this place. God has his own timing with people. And i am not against medication in general - i just don't believe that it's God's will for me to be taking it anymore."
Over the next few days God continued to speak to me about this through many other things.... for example i read something by Spurgeon in which he mentioned how important it is to trust God and serve Him with integrity, so even if you have no success no sin will lie upon your conscience. And i guess that’s what i was saying about coming off my drugs and trusting He has healed me. I would rather have integrity and be true to what i believe Jesus has done, than not do that. Even if it turned out i wasn't healed. Even if i died. Otherwise i would feel like i was sinning by being disobedient to His instruction. There were many other things that God spoke to me through that were added confirmation - but it's probably not appropriate to include them all, this is long enough already!