When "even if" becomes reality..

I have concluded that only truth can really honour God. I never used to write about my epilepsy explicitly on this blog, but recently i have testified to how God healed me - so for that reason alone, i feel it's only right for me to include an update on the situation. I must admit, that i am reluctant to.... but for honesty's sake, i will..... and i believe that God is big enough to uphold His own honour.

When i was first coming off my medication and trusting God that i was healed, i said that even if i still had seizures, then i believed it was right for me to come off my drugs and put my full trust in God. I still think that. Infact, i think i actually said that "even if it cost me my life" i was convinced it was the right thing for me to do and i had to walk in obedience to that. I still feel that way. 

On Saturday, i did have 2 very very small seizures - so small that they could barely be classed as seizures. However, it was under extreme circumstances - such as a ridiculous amount of sleep-deprivation and an exhausting day. I don't think it means that i'm not healed - it's not that i'm living in denial to the fact that i had some, but simply that i truly don't feel like they were that big a deal - it seemed like more of a backlash, that isn't a representation of what the future will hold.

I could use the cliche analogy about the ending of the 2nd World War. VE day was on May 8th 1945 - when Germany offically surrendered, but it took a little time for the effect to fully filter to every part of the World, and for all troops to surrender. It wasn't til August 15th 1945 that Japan surrendered, effectively bringing the War to a complete end. My point is simply that even when a war is won for certain, not everyone is willing to admit defeat initially and so sometimes it can seem to carry on for a small amount of time afterwards, until the fulness of the victory is really seen. Anyway, it feels a little like that's the case with my seizures.

Or, as my dear brother said "wars are made up of many battles. Just cos you lost one little battle, doesn't mean we've lost the war!" 

It is still a miracle that i went for 5 months without any seizures. It is an absolute miracle that i only had 2 tiny seizures on Saturday, and didn't go into status - given the circumstances. And God is still a God who heals and who will uphold His honour and name. Even if, for some bizarre reason, i did carry on having seizures, He is still good and faithful and loving and worthy of praise. And one day we truly will see every promise fulfilled. 

"I am making all things news." - Rev 21.5

All i need

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal my disease

I trust in You

I trust in You

I believe You’re my healer

I believe You are all i need

I believe You’re my portion

I believe You’re more than enough for me

Jesus, You’re all i need.

All i need is You. 

All i need is You Lord. 

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands.

- I'm not sure who wrote this song, but i heard it today and like the lyrics. - 

Floats Away

I really like these paintings that i came across by the artist Kevin Peterson.

The heart shaped scars of the tree of heaven...

I read a little about silkworms yesterday, after writing my last post. Apparently, one of the trees that they feed on to produce silk is actually called "The tree of heaven". Honestly. I like that. It felt like God was reminding me that if i want to produce 'silk' and good fruit, then it's really very simple - just feed on Him - the real tree of heaven - the tree of life. Something else i found interesting is that this tree actually has heart shaped leaf scars on it - strange, i know - but it reminded me again of the scars Jesus bears for me - scars of love. Scars that show His heart. Scars He wore, so we don't have to.....  

My silkworm request

I'm just a worm, but if possible i'd like to be a worm that spins silk, instead of one that squirms through dirt. Is that a fair request? Father, would you fill my insides with truth so that what comes out is silk.... then teach me to weave it into beautiful things.... pleasing to You.... like garments of praise and pure linen clothes... I can't make those things myself - they are yours.... a gift..... bestowed on us in exchange for a despairing spirit and filthy rags...... But you say too that your Spirit lives within us, so what flows out should be good fruit.... and that's my request..... 'cos right now i see more dirt, than i do silk. But really, i'd like to be a vessel of life - a vessel of truth.

He walked with them

Recently i listened to a talk which mentioned the passage in Daniel where Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are cast into the fiery furnace. The speaker raised an interesting point... He said that God had the opportunity to demonstrate a miracle in several ways..... Firstly, He could have sent a rain-storm, to put the fire out.... but He didn't. Secondly, He could have changed Nebuchadnezzar's heart, so that He decided to let them off and didn't throw them into the fire... but He didn't. And thirdly, He could have made the guard rebel, so that rather than throwing them into the fire he spared them and threw Nebuchadnezzar into the fire instead... but He didn't do that either. Instead He let them be thrown into the fire and rather than putting the fire out, He choose to walk with them in the midst of it. I guess that is still a miracle - but a different kind of miracle to the one you would naturally want.... however, it's a perfect example of what life is often like..... rather than taking His children out of trouble, He chooses to come and walk with us in the midst of it... and sustain us. Sometimes He shows His grace by bringing complete instant freedom from a situation.... at other times He shows His grace by walking with us through a situation and giving us grace to endure. I guess it's up to Him which route He chooses. Admittidly i'd prefer it if His presence was always tangible AND He took me out of every bad situation, but alas, that's not what He always chooses - and at the end of the day, however much we might not understand something, we have to trust that He knows best.

"I am with you always, to the end of the age." - Matt 28.20

Nothing but the blood

"Your blood speaks a better word 

Than all the empty claims I've heard upon this earth

Speaks righteousness for me

And stands in my defense

Jesus it's Your blood.

What can wash away our sins?

What can make us whole again?

Nothing but the blood

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

What can wash us pure as snow?

Welcomed as the friends of God

Nothing but Your blood

Nothing but Your blood King Jesus

Your cross testifies in grace

Tells of the Father's heart to make a way for us

Now boldly we approach

Not by earthly confidence

It's only by Your blood."

-Song Lyrics by Matt Redman-

If you took me...

If you took me to a road of dust, scattered with stones and ash...

And you said ‘dance’. I wonder, would i dance?

If the air was dense with dirt, so i could barely breathe...

And you said ‘sing’. I wonder, would i sing?

If i couldn’t see what was ahead, a heavy mist clung to the sky...

And you said ‘run’. I wonder, would i run?

Or would i say....

....... 'if i dance, i’ll cut my feet'.... 

............... 'if i sing, i’ll surely choke'...

....................... 'if i run, i might trip up'...

I’d like to dance.. if you’d take my hand and dance too

I’d like to sing...    if you’d breathe the words into my barren soul

I’d like to run.....   if you came and ran with me.

I just know.... i can't do it on my own.

A man of sorrows.

"I have indeed seen the misery of my people." - Exod 3.7

"A man of sorrows and familiar with suffering." - Isa 53.3

"In all their distress He too was distressed, and the angel of His presence saved them." - Isa 63.9

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." - Isaiah 43.2

I'm grateful that God sees... that He is familiar with what His people go through... that He deeply cares about every situation.... and knows what's going on..... and understands and walks with us.... that He saves and rescues...... that His heart is tender and compassionate. 

Wake up, your King is Coming.

WAKE UP, YOUR KING IS COMING.

I saw this written on a wall once in Sheffield... infact, it said "Wake up, Sheffield, your King is coming." And i don't know why exactly but it impacted me massively, it seemed like there was real life in those words, that they were truly calling out to a city that was asleep, to a city that needed to wake up before it was too late..... it made me feel a greater sense of urgency... it made my own heart want to wake up from it's trivial ways. Recently i heard those same words again. The exact same words.... "Wake up, your King is coming". And i've been thinking again about how unable we are to wake ourselves up ... how you don't make a conscious decision to wake up, but either your body somehow just wakes or someone/something else wakes you.... the voice of someone else calling you to wake up. And it makes me think.... maybe we need to take more seriously our responsibility to wake others up...... what if they never wake, simply because no-one ever woke them?...  What if all it took was our voice proclaiming the truth? I know ultimately we can't wake anyone on our own - it is God's Spirit who does it - it is down to Him - I know He is the One who gives life to the dead and calls into existance the things that do not exist - but i know we have a part to play in this too, i know He uses us.... like John the Baptist who was the voice crying out in the wilderness "prepare the way of the Lord"..... i guess i should also seriously consider the question... am i still too sleepy myself?.. We need each other. So please, don't hesitiate to wake me, if i fall into a sleepy state...

"Wake up faith, wake up passion, people dead over fashion,

Fiddling while Rome burns and nations all around are crashing,

Open sores and open wars and on report a righteous cause

The answer lies in our hands as we sit behind closed doors."

- Justin Thomas -

Urban Imagination

I find this song and particularly the photo montage very moving. It makes me cry every time i watch it. The tune is by Andy Smith and the photos were taken and compiled by Matt Wilson, who heads up the Eden Projects for the Message Trust, in Manchester. I think He is about to move to London, to start Eden there too, which i think is really good. Anyway, i've been thinking alot recently about kids i met when i worked in Manchester - and my childhood in Liverpool - and guys i met when i lived in Sheffield - and it's making me really want to move back to an inner City environment....... 

Strange, yet beautiful.....

Isn't it strange, yet beautiful, that a King should walk as a servant? That beauty was disfigured, beyond recognition. The pure One was defiled, so the defiled could be made pure. Perfect strength was made weak, so the weak could be made strong. Wholeness was broken, so the broken could be made whole. The life-giver died to give the dead life. He who was rich became poor, to make the poorest rich. And the perfect lover had a wife who plays the whore - yet He never gives up on her. It's upside down and back to front... but oh so beautiful...

The beauty of every tribe...

I really like these photos by Boaz. I love different cultures and the diversity and beauty of people groups across the World. In fact, i just love people. God is such a genius to create everything He did! I think i've said this before on here! Anyway, it got me thinking about how fascinating heaven will be - Obviously the best part will be seeing Jesus, but i am looking forward to being with so many different tribes and people from across the Centuries and what it will be like to all be worshipping Jesus together. Ha. It will be awesome........

"After this i looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb..." - Rev 7.9

"At the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." - Phil 2.9-11

Normal

I had such a lovely time visiting friends and family last week. Honestly, i felt so blessed to be able to meet up with people and hang out and have normal converstions, without the worry of having a fit. It was such a joy to see people who i hadn't seen for ages. I miss them a lot.

In fact, on Saturday i felt normal for the first time in years. That might sound wierd, but i guess over the last few months i still haven't been living a particularly normal life, even though i haven't been having seizures. Anyway, i got to the end of the day and realised that i had been pretty busy, doing normal things, with normal people, and hadn't even thought about the possibility of having a seizure. It hadn't even crossed my mind. Normally it would always be in the back of my thoughts. Anyway, it was very refreshing to realise this! It made me smile a lot. And on Sunday, at Church, i think i had a constant grin on my face. Along with general things like tiredness and illness, certain types of music also had the potential to trigger a seizure in me. This used to make worship at Church a constant battle - and it grieved me deeply - even when i didn't have a full body seizure, i often had speech arrest (i used to get this just before a fit, but sometimes i just got that, without it turning into a whole convulsion) Anyway, i can't describe how amazing it was to be able to worship freely, without the music hindering. 

Honestly, I will stop writing about my epilepsy soon! - i know a disproportionate amount of posts have been about this recently! I just can't help it. 

Letting Go

I really love this photo by Liana, it's entitled letting go.

The full explanation

Various people asked me this week to explain to them how i reached a place of knowing God had healed me. I find it hard to explain, but because i am aware that some people think it's all in my mind, i thought it might be beneficial to explain how integral Jesus Himself was in the whole process! So, i've decided to include a copy of something i wrote on May 6th.... This was the day that i felt sure it was right to come off my medication and noted down the reasons why. The following is an extract from this:

"I'm writing this to honour Jesus and to explain now why i feel it necessary to stop taking my anticonvulsant drugs. This is a decision i am making myself because i want to walk in obedience to that which i feel the Spirit is leading me to do. 

I haven’t been thinking about coming off my drugs recently, i haven’t been trying to find a way to be able to, so i know what i felt today isn’t just me trying to come up with a way i can stop.

I read the bit in Isaiah 53.5 where it says “and by His wounds we are healed.” And i can’t explain why, but today i saw it in a whole new way. Today i really felt the weight of that. I felt like i could almost see the very back of Jesus with lashes in it and how real they were. More than that, i felt like i could see that one of them was for my seizures... like it almost had it written in it..... and i found myself wondering how many lashes he had to have so i could be healed from my seizures? how many did he have to endure so i could be free? and then i thought, maybe they are written in each lash... maybe each lash contains all sin and all sickness.... which means that each lash must have hurt so much... not just from the physical pain, but because it contains everyone else’s sickness and sin.... it must have hurt so badly, cut so deeply. And as i saw this and felt this i couldn’t help but think that i want to honour what He did for me. I want to honour what He endured, by accepting that as the only way in which i can be truly healed. I don’t feel that i can take a drug to try and stop my seizures, as if somehow a drug has more power or worth than the wounds He suffered. I don’t want to give one ounce of my faith or hope to anything else here. 

It felt to me that by taking drugs i’m saying that the finished work of Jesus isn’t quite enough. That maybe i need to add drugs, just incase. That maybe i need to follow this method, just incase that’s how Jesus wants to work, rather than simply taking Him at His word and believing in His beautiful finished work. It’s hard for me to put it into words, but i saw it so clearly in my head and heart and i felt that to trust in anything else even slightly is wrong. 

What i’m getting at is that when someone believes in Jesus for their salvation we don’t say to them that they should keep following the law just incase. We tell them that their faith is enough. It’s so simple. All you do is believe in Jesus, and your soul is saved. If we get this wrong they could go to hell for eternity. The salvation of a soul is of much greater worth than present physical healing..... yet we are prepared to let people simply believe in Jesus for their soul to be saved, but reluctant to do the same when it comes to physical healing... with physical healing we seem to feel we have to add something to the mix ourselves. Well, i want Jesus alone. I want it to be pure. I want to honour Him above all else. Lift Him above all these human methods and ways of trying to achieve something. To lift Him above and show i believe He is worth so much more than all these other things.

There is also that verse in the Bible about how whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin. Well i don’t have faith in the drugs and the doctor’s methods... so i feel for me it is sinful to follow after that. For me i feel i have no other desire but to follow after Jesus. To look at Him alone for my healing.

Recently i have developed a real appreciation of horses. I keep noticing them and have been realising just what amazing creatures they are. Their muscles are so beautifully strong. They look majestic. They look like they would win in a battle. Like they have strength which would carry you and help you. BUT, the more i keep appreciating them the more i keep reading in the Bible about how we shouldn’t put our trust in horses. There is the verse that says “some trust in horses, some trust in chariots, but we put our trust in the name of the Lord.” And the one about how God doesn’t delight in the strength of a horse... and others. Anyway, i guess what i’m saying is, that in a way the horse seems to represent my drugs to me. It looks like it could be a good thing, like it could win... but we shouldn’t trust in that... we are called to put our trust in the name of the Lord. I want to do that. In the old testament there are so many examples of how God never used what naturally would seem like the best method... like with Gideon when He weaned the army down to a small number which had no chance of winning on it’s own... and the point is, they win because of God alone, not their horses or anything. To other people it might seem foolish, but if you know God is on your side, it’s not foolish, but wise. To trust in the name of the Lord above horses and chariots is surely much better. I want to do that.

As i’m writing this i’m reminded too of the part in the Old Testament where Moses is told by God to hold up a snake on a stick, so that anyone who is bitten by a snake can look at it and be healed. I know it’s meant to be a representation of when Jesus died and all we have to do is to look and be healed (spiritually and physically i believe) I guess that’s what i want to do now. Just look at Jesus and be healed. I believe that is enough. 

I guess my overall feeling is that there is no method, no structure, no man-made way to healing.... the only thing that counts is Jesus and faith in Him. And for some reason i feel like i’ve been granted new faith today. Like when someone is granted faith for salvation. More than anything, and really the only thing that counts, is the lashes i saw in Jesus’ back. If i came up with lots of signs or reasons why i should come off my drugs they would be pointless if the central thing, the central reason, wasn’t pure faith in Jesus. I want to honor the fact that He gave His whole life so i could be healed. I receive that and praise Him for it. 

I realise that what i am doing may seem risky to others, but i would rather walk in obedience to the Spirit and to Scripture and know i had integrity, i would rather say by this action that Jesus is worth more than all else, even if it seems foolish or risky to others. I believe we are called to step out in obedience.... and trust God with everything. I take responsibility for what i am doing. Even if it cost me my life. 

I am not making a generalisation either. I can’t judge other people or their situations. It has taken over 4 years of me having drugs to reach this place. God has his own timing with people. And i am not against medication in general - i just don't believe that it's God's will for me to be taking it anymore."

Over the next few days God continued to speak to me about this through many other things.... for example i read something by Spurgeon in which he mentioned how important it is to trust God and serve Him with integrity, so even if you have no success no sin will lie upon your conscience. And i guess that’s what i was saying about coming off my drugs and trusting He has healed me. I would rather have integrity and be true to what i believe Jesus has done, than not do that. Even if it turned out i wasn't healed. Even if i died. Otherwise i would feel like i was sinning by being disobedient to His instruction. There were many other things that God spoke to me through that were added confirmation - but it's probably not appropriate to include them all, this is long enough already!

The power of the mind?!?

I had an interesting conversation this week with a good friend of mine. He is a Christian, but said that he's unsure what to make of my apparent healing. He said he is pretty cynical right now and so thinks that maybe it's all just in my subconcious. He thinks that because i am so convinced that i am healed, then my mind is subconciously able to stop my seizures! I appreciate his honesty. I can be quite cynical myself when i hear about people being healed, so i accept the fact that he is unsure and i'm glad he felt able to tell me. I don't agree with him - but it did make me wonder how many other people might also think that?! I'm quite sure that my relatives who aren't Christians will also put it down to the power of simple "faith" rather than faith in "God." 

Anyway, as i explained to my friend, i really don't believe that my mind has enough power to stop a seizure! Over the years i would constantly try to think myself out of them - but i NEVER could! I would quote Scripture to myself when i felt one coming on, or tell myself to trust God to uphold me, or would try and ignore them.... I would do EVERYTHING i possibly could to stop them, the battles that went on inside my head were at times pretty hilarious..... and even on the few occassions when i thought i was maybe healed, it NEVER succeeded in stopping a seizure! Quite simply, i could not control them. And so, i can't see how it could be possible for my mind to suddenly acquire the ability to stop them now. Seizures are caused by random firing of neurons, not a thought process. 

HOWEVER, despite all this, i am prepared to say that EVEN IF it was all in my mind - then even THIS is a miracle! If you want to believe it's all in my subconcious, that's fine - but my testimony would still be the same - GOD ALONE would have been the one to break into my subconcious and change it. I was powerless to change it myself. So, at the end of the day the reality is this: I had regular, pretty violent seizures.... and now i don't. Whether you want to believe that it was frontal-lobe epilepsy (which is the official diagnosis i had) or whether you think it was demonic, or insanity, or emotional-instability, or some other medical disorder, or simply all in my mind - whatever the case, i couldn't stop them - so the fact that they have now ceased is down to something greater than me. It's down to God alone. Think what you like about 'me' - but when it comes to God, i believe the following is true:

"See now that I, even I, am He, and there is no God beside me; I kill and i make alive; I wound and I heal; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand." - Deuteronomy 32:39

When He remained silent

I think i've mentioned this before on here, but one of the many things i love about Jesus is the way in which He remained silent when He was accused. I think it's so incredibly beautiful, especially because out of anyone He truely did have reason to defend Himself, because He was innocent. Yet, He choose to remain silent and entrusted Himself to the one who judges justly. He was so secure in His relationship with the Father that He had no need to defend His innocence on Earth. And i suppose, even though He was innocent, it wasn't right to be defensive, because it was at this point that He was taking on Himself the guilt of the World - and you can't really say a word in defence of sin. Anyway, i try to defend myself far too often and should remain silent far more than i do. Especially because a lot of the time i actually am guilty anyway, and have nothing to defend! Something which struck me a while back though, is that His silence speaks in my defence. The reason i never have to defend myself - whether i am innocent, or guilty - is because His silence defends me. Because He remained silent He took on Himself my guilt and forgave me. Therefore His silence provides me with a reason to stay silent. I can entrust myself to my Father, knowing that He judges justly, knowing that He looks at Jesus in my place and i don't have to try and make myself appear innocent before man - i simply trust that God sees me as innocent - not because i really am innocent, but because of Jesus. 

N.B. I have just realised i wrote a similar post to this over 2 years ago (Silence) - it was more passionate and makes more sense than this one!

Love smiles today

Photos from: 1. Always Sisters, 2. smile, 3. ~ just be ~, 4. l o v e.

The impossible.

The majority of the time i look at the World from the viewpoint of what's actually possible..... and so often i forget that God is the God of impossibilities.....

I was thinking about Isaiah 41.17-18, which says:

"When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of valleys. I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry lands springs of water."

That's quite an amazing promise. When there is NO water at all - not even a trickle, but literally NONE, and people are parched, dying with thirst... then God will answer them and cause land that is completely DRY to spring with water. That's the kind of verse that i sometimes take for granted and forget how amazing it really is - how desperate the situation is, and how impossible it naturally would be for dry land to suddenly spring with water. If i'm honest, i've felt very thirsty recently - thirsty in my heart, but so thirsty that it seems to have seeped into my whole being and i feel a consistent literal thirst too. It means i'm drinking a lot of water - but my thirst is still there - it's actually the strangest sense of 'thirst' that i've ever felt..... but i know it can't be literal water that i'm craving, so i think it's living water - Jesus Himself. Even if the thirst does have a physical origin, it still matches my inward state too. I know He promises that if we are thirsty we can come to Him and drink....  and i do believe that promise..... but if i'm honest, i still can't shift this thirst, however much i drink of Him.....

Anyway, i guess i was encouraged by that verse in Isaiah.... encouraged that God delights in doing the impossible and that He is more than capable of doing the impossible. I was reminded of Ezekiel 37, where the dry bones are brought back to life and made into a whole army. Now that definitely is a natural impossibility... but with God all things are possible. I love the fact that God continuously breathes life into dead things and restores broken things. I love how we can have HOPE for EVERY situation, because God can transform anyone or anything. I love that when things seem to be at their very worst, it just creates even more of an opening for God to come and work. How when we are weakest, there is most room for Him. 

I was feeling a little disheartened about Church situations recently, but read the following quote by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, which links with what i've just been saying... and encouraged me that there is hope for anything, because of the resurrection power found in God.

"Believers have to see reality as it truely is, not in a certain light.... and against everything and beyond everything they see, they believe in GOD ALONE and in HIS POWER. They do not believe in the world or in the capability of the world to develp and improve; they do not believe in their power to improve the world in their goodwill. They do not believe in people or in the good in people that ultimately must triumph; they also do not belive in the Church in it's human power. Rather, believers believe SOLELY in GOD, who creates life out of death, who has called the dying Church to life against and in spite of us and through us. Bur God does it alone." 

Just Because.

Photos by: 1. Keep Your Coins, 2. poverty's butterflies, 3. The dude company, 4. The dude company

Are you tenderness in fancy dress?

Sometimes i think that tenderness can look very different to how we expect. A little like it's clothed in fancy dress. And it makes me wonder, how many times do i reject grace, or fight against it, because i don't really recognise it for what it is?

For example, God sometimes has to discipline us in ways which can seem quite harsh to us - but when you strip away the outer layers you discover that what's really at the center of it is love. It says in Hebrews 12.6 that "the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives." A parent may have to smack a child if it's about to do something really dangerous, like put it's hand in an open fire - the child may never have known that they would have been harmed by what they were going to do, and they may be so shocked from the smack that they just cry - but ultimately it would have been a smack of love, not hate.

Sometimes it's easy to recognise something as 'discipline' from God.... and therefore logically we can recognise it as His hand of love..... but sometimes it's not so easy. Sometimes we experience and go through things which we can all too easily blame on the enemy, or on others, and forget that ultimately God is Sovereign and has the overall say in what we are permitted to endure. He knows how it can shape us for ultimate good.... He can see the tenderness in the midst of it..... even when to us, it may look like evil. I guess the question is how do we respond? Do we argue with God about it? Do we pray against it? Do we submit to it? If i'm honest, i don't know. I guess it depends on the exact situation. 

Personally i am experiencing something quite strange at the moment. Too strange for me to fully explain on here. Sometimes it looks to me a little like insanity. Sometimes i think its just tenderness. I don't know if i should graciously accept it. Or wage war on it. But what i do know is that for whatever reason God sees fit, He is allowing me to go through it. And so, although i can't see how, my hearts cry is that this will draw me ever closer to Him and serve to ultimately glorify His name.

When brokeness becomes a vessel..

One of things i learnt through my epilepsy was that disabilities, weaknesses and brokeness often create vessels for God's love and grace to be seen, in ways that we would never otherwise see it. What i mean is, although it was pretty humiliating and unpleasant to end up on the floor, violently convulsing and vocalising, it was also a place where i learnt a lot about receiving mercy and help from others. It provided a vessel for love and tenderness to flow - quite simply, when someone is lacking in something it can create a place for someone else to help them and meet their need. It can be an essential component in relationships and teaches us a lot about our need for others and how we can't exist just for ourselves. Although no-one could ever take my seizures away, people could and did love me in the midst of them, and that was something that consistently amazed me. When i was most vulnerable, just an embarrassment, and unable to do or offer anything back, people would still care for me. I could never really grasp that, but it did speak to me massively about God's heart and His compassion and mercy. Admittedly i did experience negative reactions as well - people who automatically presumed i was demon-possessed, or crazy, for example - but even this taught me about how important it is not to absorb the opinions of everyone around me, but to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and what He alone says. 

"When i am weak, then i am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12.10

A bruised reed

" 'He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the smoking flax.' Doth not that suit thy case? A reed, helpless, insignificant, and weak, a bruised reed, out of which no music can come; weaker than weakness itself; a reed, and that reed bruised, yet, He will not break thee; but on the contrary, will restore and strengthen thee. " - Spurgeon