And if....

Old men, lost thoughts & being present....

I met such a sweet old man today and chatted to him for ages - it was very refreshing. He confirmed what i already suspected; that there are a lot of lonely old people living in the bungalows around me. His wife died recently and he was telling me how he trys to go fishing in the canal as much as possible because he finds it too lonely being in his house all on his own. By the end of the conversation i even decided to ask him if i could take his portrait one day - i didn't have my camera with me, but he was very keen and told me i can come round anytime. He did have a great face and i would love to capture it, but to be honest i'm more glad just to have a reason to go round and chat to him again. For ages i've been wanting to get to know the old people round here more... i can't help but feel heavy hearted when i walk past their bungalows and see them sitting all alone through the window... but it's hard to find a way to get to know them. Anyway, i'm looking forward to seeing him again, although i am a little concerned by his overly enthusiastic reaction to the discovery that despite looking 13, i was actually 26 years old, and single... apparently he has a grandson just the right age who he wants to set me up with... ha ha! I just laughed. 

I also had a very enjoyable hour taking photos today..... i didn't actually get any shots that i like, but i don't mind that, because what i discovered was that in that hour i seemed to exist in a way that i rarely exist... it's hard to explain, but it's like i was free from my mind and just at peace, lost in appreciation of the beauty of what God's created. It's like i was stripped of thoughts and simply 'was'.... and i can't explain how refreshing that was. My mind can, at times, be my worst enemy, so to slip away from it for a short time was great. I guess i must have had some thoughts, but what i mean is, i was present in that moment not absent, i wasn't dwelling on the past or the future or some complicated stream of thought, i wasn't fighting unwanted thoughts. I need to learn to be present more. To give myself fully to the task that i am doing at any given time, to give myself fully to others. I know that taking photos isn't serving or loving anyone else, so perhaps this isn't a good example, but i guess what i'm saying is, as much as i value the gift of thought, i would rather live out my life on earth in real situations, not just in my mind. I would rather spontaneously live out of my heart and the life that God gives, than analysing and worrying about every situation. 

Tracing the untraceable

 - Photo by Nikoline -

As my finger searches out the pattern of Your endless grace, i realise it is virtually untraceable, because it is unmeasurable, because it is immense. I could sit here for eternity and barely cover a fraction of it's path. It's vaster than the ocean and so much a part of You that every molecule in Your river beats with it's rhythm. I can't separate each trail of grace, because they are so intertwined, and at the end of all my searching, I just find You - You are grace. So, I will just marvel at how vast You are, wishing only that i could fully abandon myself and swim forever through Your streams of love and grace, let Your water so wash over me, that i consistently reflect the hallmarks of such amazing grace.

365 days and a stranger a week

I started a photography project today, actually i'm starting 2 projects. The first one is simply a 365 day project - i plan to take a photo a day for the next year, i'm not sure if there will be a common theme yet or not. The 2nd project is a weekly project, in which i aim to photograph a stranger a week, also for the next year.

I have no deep or meaningful reason for doing it, i just feel like it. However, I did figure it would be quite interesting to find and photograph a stranger a week - i decided it might make me a bit bolder, as i plan to ask their permission and chat to them before i take their portrait. I would also like to learn more about photography and so taking a photo a day will be good practise. Plus it will probably be good for me just to get more fresh air and exercise. I also hope it will encourage me to keep my eyes open more and to look at things in a different way - i think it's so easy to miss so much in life, simply because we don't really 'see'. There are so many things to thank God for when you actually stop and look around.

Anyway, i will see how it goes - if i feel it's completely unfruitful and a waste of time, i will stop... it's quite likely that i will decide to stop, as i have had a constant debate with myself for years over how useful photography really is. But saying that, I did actually have so much fun doing it today - i completely forgot about everything else and was fully absorbed in it. I'm not certain if that's a good thing or not, maybe it means it was escapism, i don't know, but i felt relaxed and uplifted afterwards. 

Lift up your eyes

Quite simply, i love these photos by Lauren Withrow. 

For a 16 year old self-taught photographer she takes some pretty good shots.

All things

I love the above verse, taken from Rev 21.5. Today is the first time i have thought about it in combination with the verse below, from 1 Corinthians 13.7. Both of them include the phrase "all things" and i like how that links them together. One day all things will be made new.... and that newness is only possible because of love.... which bears, believes, hopes and endures "all things." Love is the medium through which all things are made new.... because love is patient and persists and waits; enduring, bearing, believing and hoping, giving its very self to "all things", until that newness is complete.

Three Hundred

I just realised that yesterday i published my 300th post. How can i have written 300 posts? I guess i have been keeping this blog for over 2 and a half years, but still, maybe 300 is a little excessive!  I also have 94 posts saved in my drafts section.... They are generally more raw and emotion-laden than those that i've published... and consequently i never quite had the courage to make them public. I was just re-reading some of my early posts and i couldn't help but laugh at the cringe-worthy way in which i wrote! But it did also make me very grateful to the grace God has shown me over the years and reminded me how good he has been to me. I was also grateful to re-read people's comments from a few years ago. Anyway, although i primarily write for my own benefit, because it helps me to gather my thoughts, and focus my attention, i know that my blog is set to public, so various people have read and commented over the years - so i want to say thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings and thank you to anyone who has left me comments. I'm pretty sure that most people who previously read my blog, don't actually read it anymore, so i doubt they will see this thank you, but never mind, i shall say it anyway, even if i am just talking to the air. 

 

Tim Laing

I had a few hours to spare when i was in London on Monday and i ended up spending about an hour in Foyles flicking through illustration and photography books..... i came across a lot of inspirational work, including some sketches by artist Tim Laing. I have included two of his illustrations above, which i really love. I particularly like the atmosphere and mood captured in the girl's contemplative expression, and how much the homeless man's face speaks of his life.

HIghly Exalted

"You were despised, You were rejected Lord, those who passed by even averted their gaze from the sight, such was the suffering You bore for us.

Led like a lamb, a lamb to the slaughter, You spoke not a word, but chose to be silent, though You did no wrong, nor was deceitfulness found in You. Yet by Your wounds our salvation has come, Yet by Your suffering our freedom is won.

For God has highly exalted Your name, He has enthroned You on high, Jesus the name above all names. "

- Song lyrics by Robin Mark -

His Righteousness

I am becoming increasingly more grateful that Jesus lived a perfect life on Earth. I think sometimes i used to take it for granted... thinking that because He was God, maybe it wasn't all that hard for Him to live perfectly.... but the reality is, He genuinely was faced with all the struggles, temptations and pain that we are faced with. He genuinely did weep and sweat blood as His soul was in anguish in Gethsemane... He genuinely did have to resist temptations when they were constantly thrown at Him.... He genuinely did have to endure consistent persecution and opposition.... He genuinely did know the grief of people betraying Him, of seeing loved ones suffer and die, of walking through a broken World.... and He genuinely felt the deep pain of separation from God when He was on the cross and His Father turned His face away... He knew what it was to be mocked and beaten and had to endure hideous physical suffering....He knew what it was to feel the shame of being stripped naked and classed as a sinner, something He wasn't..... and people continuously tried to catch Him out, so He would have had to be on His guard all the time, and think carefully before every word He uttered. When i really stop and think about the fact that Jesus lived a perfect and sinless life in the midst of all this, it utterly blows me away..... and although i used to think that He couldn't have acted any other way, because He was God, and God can only be that which is true to His character... good and perfect.... it doesn't mean it was any less painful for Him to live like this.... it wouldn't have actually made it any easier. I am so incredibly grateful that He walked on Earth in the humble, beautiful manner that He did. I don't live like that.... and it's utterly amazing that we are able to trust in His perfection.. and clothe ourselves in His righteousness, rather than our own dirty rags. 

Be still.

I tried to take a leaf out of King David's book and preach to myself on Saturday morning. I was attempting to distract myself from the feeling that i was about to throw up on the train - i'm not that good at speaking to myself, so the following was all i could muster up, but it was enough to temporarily focus me back onto God... and i didn't throw up either!

Be still my flesh, find strength in Him. Be still my soul and rest in Him. Be still my spirit, your life's in Him. Be still my thoughts and think of Him. Be still my nerves, just trust in Him. Be still my heart, adore your King. 

"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." - Psalm 46.10

Jon Tran

I have finally found out the name of the illustrator who did the picture of the lady that i use on the side of my blog.... He is called Jonathan Tran. He also did the above image, which i happen to like as well.

A man, a cardigan and a verse.

Last night i was in London, waiting for the tube to meet my brother. It was late, i was on my own, and a man came and sat on the bench near me. He demanded that i sat down and talk with him and he stared at me with eyes which i knew i should be scared of - but i felt no fear. I must admit that every logical part of me knew that something wasn't quite right, the things he said were strange and the way he stared right through my eyes should have been disconcerting, but instead i just felt glad to have the opportunity to chat with him. 

A few minutes later he told me he was cold. He had more layers on than me, but i agreed it was a cold night. He then noticed my bag and asked me if i had any jumpers in there that i could give him. About 10 minutes before i had just put my jumper on, but i did have a cardigan in my bag.... so i told him that. I said i was very sorry, but had no jumpers in there, only a thin girls cardigan... i then proceeded to explain that it wouldn't actually fit him (he was a big guy) and it wouldn't keep him warm. What i didn't expect was for him to react as aggressively as he did. He got very passionate and angry with me and started to beg me to give him my cardigan... he kept saying "please, please,.... give it, give it, give it.."

I tried to find out why exactly he wanted it, when it clearly wouldn't fit him and wouldn't keep him warm... but all he did was keep shouting "give it me"...... and i don't know if i did the right thing. I refused to give it to him... because i reasoned that it wouldn't actually be of any use to him. He then started to swear at me and lash out at me with his arms (although he only punched the air in front of my face, he didn't actually hit me)... eventually he stormed off. I watched him on the tube afterwards and he continued to swear at other people and stumbled around aggressively.

I'm not reciting this story to make any kind of point about this guy... or to judge him... in a wierd way i actually just felt a tenderness towards him, i didn't mind what he said to me..... i am simply unsure as to what i should have done. I couldn't stop thinking about the verse in the Bible which says: "Give to everyone who begs from you." - Luke 6.30. And the thing is, that verse doesn't tell you to analyse their motives, or why they want something, it simply says "give." The reason it bothered me more, was that approximately 5 minutes before i met this man i had been chatting with my sister... she told me she had given a homeless man some money even though she wasn't sure if he was going to use it for heroin... and i told her that the Bible doesn't actually tell us to analyse what someone wants something for when they ask, it simply tells us to give.... i said that even when someone hits you in the face, the Bible tells you to let them slap you on the other cheek too.... the point i was making was that EVEN if they do something bad, or use it for something bad, the Bible doesn't tell us to judge that, it just tells us to let them do it... and to give. I had also had a conversation with a good friend of mine at the weekend, in which i told her that i truly believed that if we gave to everyone who asked, like the Bible tells us to, then we will never actually go short ourselves. I said that lots of Christians claim that they can't afford to give to every single person who begs from them, but i really believed that if we did actually do that, God would honour it, and wouldn't let us starve because of it. I still think i believe that. However, i didn't live by that principle when i met that man. I didn't give to him. I analysed the situation, applied logic, and refused his request. Which means, that i was either wrong to do that..... or what i said to both my sister and my friend was wrong.

Maybe it is right to apply discernment to a situation.... maybe it would have been fruitless to give this man my cardigan, which clearly wouldn't fit him..... but then again, maybe he genuinely needed it, for some reason that only God knew. I have no conclusive answer here. All i can say is, maybe i was wrong in the black and white way i answered my friend and sister. Or maybe i was wrong not to give to this man. I guess maybe what matters is being truly willing to give and love, even if it costs you.... and only with-holding if, out of a place of real discernment, you know it would harm them or you really sense God telling you not to....  the thing is, i could have given him my cardigan, even if it wouldn't benefit him... i could have done it out of simple obedience to that Scripture, but a little part of me remembered how much i wear that cardigan, so i didn't want to have to give it him if he wasn't gonna use it.... if i knew he could benefit from it i would have given it, but the thought that it would most likely be a wasted gift, made me not do it...... but the truth is, God doesn't work like that with us... He gives to us all the time, even when we reject his gift..... He doesn't only give to us when He knows it will be received well....He lavishly gives all the time, unlike me. 

I was discussing this with my Mum, and she asked me if i would give someone keys to a car if i knew they wanted to drive off a cliff and kill themselves.... she said you do have to apply discernment in situations. I agree she is right here. But still.... giving this man a girls cardigan probably wouldn't have really harmed him. Anyway, I don't know what the point of this post is.... i guess i'm just thinking out-loud..........

Wash over me

I like this photo by Kristen. I also like the title she gave it:

 "wash over me.."

Following

"'Goodness and mercy shall follow me.'... Here is the blessed order: the Lord ever first, i following Him, His goodness and mercy following me." - Mark Pearce

All the days of our life

"..that He would grant unto us, that we being delivered out of the hand of our enemies might serve Him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before HIm, all the days of our life." - Luke 1:74-75

Burden Bearers...

"They seized one Simon..... And laid on him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus." - Luke 23.26 

Over the last 5 years i was acutely aware of the fact that every decision i made might inadvertently affect others. For example, if i choose to go to Church on a Sunday morning, there was the possibility that i would have seizures and disrupt the whole meeting, and this bothered me. There was the possibility that those around me would be distracted and have to help me instead of fully engaging in the meeting. There was the possibilty that the paramedics would have to be called out and that the commotion would distract people from focussing on the preach and most importantly on God. In fact, i was plagued with the feeling that i was being selfish just by going to Church - that i was going because i wanted to be there and being inconsiderate of how that might affect others. I was constantly faced with such dilemas - do i do something i want to do? or do i hold back, because i know i could be a disruption?.... Weddings, funerals and Birthday events were particularly hard decisions..... there were countless times when i choose not to go to something because i didn't want to risk ruining the event..... although there were alot of times when i did take that risk, because others made it clear to me that they were still happy for me to come... i am grateful to those people. Anyway, i was particularly bothered by how much of a burden i was to my family and closest friends.... who must have helped look after me throughout thousands of seizures and were dragged to and from hospital many times.... 

I remember being particularly encouraged by the above verse in Luke. Simon carried Jesus' cross. It made me realise that sometimes, when we have crosses to carry, other people have to carry them for us too..... and that's ok...... that's just how it is. And that is part of the beauty of relationships - we were made to bear one another's burdens, to share in them, to ease them, to carry one another. Even Jesus Himself had to have Simon carry His cross. Even Jesus. I am strangely grateful for that verse. Strangely moved by it. And strangely encouraged to be prepared to help others carry their burdens more... whatever they may be. 

The truth is, i can't carry my own. My back is not strong enough. But the mysteriously wonderful thing is that somehow, as we reach out to carry each other's burdens, our own burdens seem to become lighter.... maybe it's somehow linked to the verse which says "Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matt 11.28-30 - I used to imagine that this verse meant Jesus completely took away our burdens, we cast them on Him and have rest.... which is partly true, there is a simple call hear to "come" and exchange are burdens for His rest.... but that's not all it says, there is a 2nd half to that verse too... and it says there IS still a yoke and there IS a burden to bear... it's just it's a light one. What is His burden made up of?... This verse suggests it's gentleness and lowliness. What is gentleness and lowliness?... i guess part of what it means to be gentle and lowly is to put others first and humbly serve them out of love.... to bear THEIR burdens, not just our own... and i guess a key part of lowliness and humility is simply trusting all these burdens to God... trusting that ultimately He is in control....which makes every burden easier to bear. And what is the result of such gentleness and lowliness? This verse suggests it is rest. So, really, although our logic would tell us that carrying one another's burdens is a heavy task.... and experience sometimes makes it feel that way... i still reckon it's what we're called to do... and in some gracious way, as we do this, God promises us rest.  I have much still to learn about this. Naturally i shy away from burdens... maybe everyone does.... the irony is that maybe this actually wearies us more than the humble, burden-bearing, gentle path of love.....

"Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6.2

Fear

Tomorrow i am going away for a few days and am far too scared about it at the moment. I'm seeking God about my future and visiting an area which i am very vaguely considering moving to... like i said, it's only a very very vague idea, but i figured i may as well push the door. The problem is i am kinda out of practise at things like this. I have lived a lifestyle akin to that of a hermit for the last few years and i've forgotten how to do even simple things like socialise with people. I'll be staying with complete strangers and doing all sorts of things this weekend, which to be honest, i feel pretty incapable of doing. Anyway, the only basis of hope i have that it will be ok  is that i know God will be going with me. I feel stupid in a way, cos i know other people who are doing far more scary things than me... it's illogical for me to be so afraid about something which, in essence, is so normal..... i guess i have just been ill for so long that being normal is strangely scary. Yet if i don't start doing things like this again i'll get trapped in a life of fear, which is the last thing i want!

Enough

The answer He gives me is nearly always the same..... no matter what the situation..... His cry rings out each time:  "It is finished".... "My death was enough"...."I am sufficient".... "Though you are weak, I am strong"...."Though you are a sinner, I forgive"....."Though you are sick, I heal".... "Though you don't know the way, I will guide you"..... "Though you are nothing, I am everything.".... "Don't look at yourself, look at what I am"..... In essence, the underlying message is the same in all those phrases.... the message is simply:

 "I am enough, keep your eyes on me."

Serbia

A while ago i came across the work of photographer Aleksandra Radonich. I really like her style and how she captures the expressions and emotions of her subjects. I particularly love her shots of elderly men and women, and how much character is engraved into the lines on their faces. I think the above photos were taken mainly in Serbia and demonstrate something of her eye to notice beauty in the midst of everyday situations and in places which are otherwise full of brokeness and decay.

When withheld grace is still grace...

There were times when i would come round from a seizure and the first words that would fill my mind were pretty negative - sometimes it would be a whole stream of swear-words, and sometimes i would feel so frustrated i would want to get up and kick a wall - infact, there were times when i did do that - i remember once when i had some seizures on my own in my room in Sheffield, i got up afterwards and kicked a mirror then punched the wall a few times. I'm not proud of these facts, i'm ashamed of them. I actually hate swearing and it distressed me alot that i would respond in such a way. To this day i still don't know if the anger and frustration that i sometimes felt was a simple physiological reaction to the seizure activity in my brain - my consultant did tell me that it is very common for people to be slightly aggressive after a seizure, simply because of all the random firing of neurons that happens in your head. But then again maybe it was just that i was responding badly to the fact that i'd had a fit.... i truthfully don't know? 

However, there were also times when i came round from a seizure and the first things to fill my mind were songs of praise and scripture. Times when i would feel so at peace that i literally felt like i was resting in God's arms. Times when despite the fact that i'd just had a fit i would want to sit up and sing of God's goodness. Infact, sometimes i felt an intimacy with God which almost surpassed anything i had known before my epilepsy - an acute awareness that He was in control and everything was in His hands and all i had to do was rest in Him and trust. An awareness of His overwhelming tenderness and beauty which made my seizures fade into insignificance. 

I remember times when i came round from seizures on the cold pavement outside and i was stunned by how amazing the stars in the sky were - like i felt a strange privilege in having been given a moment to lie there and notice them, to remember that my God even created and knows every star. Times when i would come round and be amazed by the love and mercy i saw in the eyes of those helping me..... when it felt like i was looking at the face of Jesus.... I remember meeting an old man once, a complete stranger, who helped me after a fit. He was trying to tell me something encouraging, although i can't remember a single word of what he said, all i remember is that i cried cos it felt for a moment like i was looking at someone so full of Jesus that i was instantly at peace and so grateful for his kindness. 

I used to sometimes wonder why it was that God showed me such grace after some of my seizures, but then at other times seemed to completely withhold that grace and let me feel so awful. And then i realised that it was precisely because He sometimes withheld it that i was able to truly appreciate the beauty of it when He did show it me. It made me realise that if i came round from a seizure and responded positively or had people there who responded positively, it WASN'T anything to do with me. It wasn't because i had some ability to cope well with the situation - because sometimes i didn't cope well at all. It was simply a gift from Him. 100% from Him. If He didn't sometimes let me feel the complete wretchedness of my natural state... the depths of my humaness... then i might not have fully appreciated that anything positive i ever feel is just a gift from Him. It takes away any basis for pride or boasting. There is nothing to boast of when you realise how badly you often respond to a situation and that if you respond well it is only because God is graciously giving you the strength to do so in that moment. 

I think it's like this a lot in life... not just with illness. Sometimes when we're tempted to sin God seems to give us the grace to resist.... at other times we might give in to temptation and do things we know we shouldn't. I can never work out why it is that sometimes i resist and sometimes i give in. But the fact that i do often give in once more keeps me constantly aware of my natural sinfulness.... and constantly aware of the fact that any good we do is only possible through His Spirit. And it means we can't judge others either - for anything - because, like us, they can only do good or be good through God.... all of us are the same when He withholds His grace. All of us are completely lost, completely sinful, completely wretched. 

And it made me realise too how much the prayers of others helped me... i dread to think what a mess i would have been otherwise. I'm quite sure that, more often than not, when i was around Christians and had seizures, even when the seizures didn't stop if they prayed for me, even when i ended up at hospital, i did still feel at peace, and knew God had heard their prayers. 

So, i'm strangely thankful for both grace and withheld grace. In some mysterious way they seem to go hand-in-hand. It reminds me of a quote i read years ago by John Piper:

"Everyone of us owes every ounce of strength we have to God. We owe every fibre of intelligence to God, and the slightest resolve to do good is a gift from Him. Apart from Him we are all cripples. And worse than cripples. We would fly into nothingness without his sustenance and we would degenerate into devils without His grace. If the totality of our dependance on God would hit us full force, O, how differently we would live and do good. We would 'serve as one who renders service by the strength which God supplies.' "