Disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Whilst writing this blog i have been taking 2 very strong anti-convulsant drugs. I have just started on a 3rd one. Right now i feel intoxicated! The 2nd drug, Keppra, which i have been on for quite a few months, gave me several unpleasant side-effects, including making me really quite emotional. If i write anything bizarre then i blame it fully on these drugs and reject all responsibility for it. However, if there is anything worthwhile then i will happily resume full responsibility.

Although i am humouring myself by having a disclaimer, it does actually make a valid point. I know i have no need to justify it to any-one really, as i am writing this blog for myself... but i just thought maybe my future self will benefit from this disclaimer! ha ha. Oh dear... what does go on inside this head of mine? I will be coming off my 2nd drug soon though; it will take about 5 months to switch over... the new drug also has some slightly unattractive side-effects... but hopefully it won't make me emotional or give me insomnia, and so i'm really more than happy.

Flag Flown High

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise,

The city of our God, the holy place,

The joy of the whole earth.

Great is the Lord in whom we have the victory

He aids us against the enemy.

We bow down on our knees.

And Lord we want to lift Your Name on high,

And Lord we want to thank you

for the works You've done in our lives.

And Lord we trust in Your unfailing love;

For you alone are God eternal,

Throughout earth and heaven above."

I would cringe if i read that song on some-one elses blog, but it was going through my head and i wanted to write it down. Then i remembered the following little song i learned as a kid, and loved, and i concluded there was no reason whatsoever why i shouldn't write songs on my blog.

"There is a flag flown high from the castle of my heart,

for the King is in residence here.

So let it fly in the sky,

Let the whole world see,

That the King is in residence here"

The problem with words

Words are often so empty I find; insufficient to carry the depth of meaning that may be desired. I wrote a post on this a while back and then deleted it, because i didn’t even have the right words to explain how inadequate words are! How ironic. I will attempt again today though.

I often worry that words can’t express something accurately. It’s like the difference between seeing a kangaroo yourself and listening to someone else describe what a kangaroo looks like. Quite clearly the two will be very different. I find I’m always trying to use words to express something much bigger than words will allow me to. I always feel like my words are bound to taint what I really want to communicate… or far worse they may actually portray it very inaccurately.

Words are subject to people’s understanding of them too and most people understand and interpret words slightly differently depending on their experiences. For a child in England the word ‘house’ may mean a large brick building with several rooms… for someone in Africa it may mean a hut. How do we know that the people we are talking to have a common understanding of a word? How do i know if i even have the correct understanding of a word?

I always worry too that I may inaccurately convey something just because of my experience. For example if I were to see a flower at night-time I would describe it very differently to seeing the same flower in the day-time. Which is the true version? I suppose both are in one sense. I think our experience or lack of experience often means we look at things in a very narrow way though.

I worry too that I may use words without really thinking about what they mean. I fear people do that all the time and it makes them almost empty and meaningless. I am perplexed at the ease at which words flow from people's mouths at times, including mine, and wonder sometimes if we always feel the weight of what we say. I am actually quite afraid of what I say and whether what I say is really what I mean or not.

I guess even the way we describe God to others is restricted by our words…. But God can’t be confined to words…. He is so much more than can ever be put into words… even the word ‘God’ is subject to our perception of the meaning of the ‘word’. Do I really know all of who God is? Of course not. It will take all of eternity to fully discover that. So when I use the word, I am using it partly in ignorance still. And when we hear it, we judge it on what is quite possibly a very inaccurate understanding. I guess this is partly why "the word became flesh" though… so that some-one who can barely be described by words could take on a tangible form to allow us a slightly better understanding of who He really is.

Perhaps I need to be silent more and let my ‘words become flesh’ in a sense. What I mean is, perhaps I just need to let the life of Jesus live in me more, rather than trying to use words to express it. I like silence anyway.

"Instead of a world in which bookshops sell volumes of sermons and poetry, i would like a world in which each man and woman is a poem of high thought, filled with melody and colour." - Richard Wurmbrand

Solitary Confinement

I have been thinking a lot about prisons again recently. A strange topic I know, but it has come about by accident really as i’ve happened to read several things relating to it. I’ve been reading the book ‘Sermons in Solitary Confinement’ by Richard Wurmbrand… I picked it off the shelf randomly yesterday but am finding it very interesting. He spent 14 years in jail under the Communists; 3 of which were in complete solitary confinement. He was underground and couldn’t see the sun or stars or flowers or birds or even another person, except the guards that tortured him. I was thinking about how pathetic the statement I made on one of my prior posts was. I wrote that I have to a tiny degree felt ‘imprisoned’….. yet I’ve not ‘really’ been imprisoned at all… i know nothing of imprisonment like he did. I know nothing of real suffering. I know nothing of what it is to be locked in complete darkness with no-one around and no visual or auditory stimulation. I know nothing of what it is to be severely tortured just for believing in God.

I was thinking how pathetic it is that half the analogies I make on here are related to things I ‘see’ or ‘hear’, when God is so, so much more than that. Richard Wurmbrand had no pictures to look at, no birds to hear sing, no people sending him cards or popping round for cups of tea. I have been greatly blessed with such things… and know that God works through such means and can be seen in them… and I am extremely grateful for that. But at the same time, if you have nothing to look at, no-one to talk to, nothing to hear or read, then still God is God and still God can sustain you and still God is with you.

I was thinking how amazing it is that this guy endured so much and came out still trusting God. Such circumstances would be enough to drive anyone insane. But the reality is there are 1000’s of Christians imprisoned and persecuted for their faith even now… and they don’t go insane… they endure and they rejoice and they come out still trusting God. What an incredible testimony to God’s faithfulness that is. The presence of God Himself sustains them. There is no other way. I don’t know how I’d react in such a situation… naturally I would go insane…. i don’t know how I’d endure torturing and beating…. naturally I know I couldn’t. The fact that some Christians do endure this, such as those I’ve been reading about, is surely only greater evidence of God’s grace and God’s reality (not that further evidence is even needed.)

The Fox Rage Syndrome

I have just been struck with a distinct case of what Robb termed the "Fox Rage Syndrome!" It has come out of no-where to steal my joy and leave me agitated. It's not really worthy of blogging or thinking about, it's definitely not good or pure and goes against the general theme of my blog! But when i remembered how Robb used to laugh at us Foxes and our proneness to little anger outbursts it did make me smile and actually helped to slightly dissolve the irrational feeling. Anyway, it will pass in no time at all i'm sure, it has a habit of doing that.

I have just noticed how i have written this as if the 'rage' has a life of it's own, and it's not my fault... i have acquired a bad knack of being able to shift the blame when i want to.... here the 'rage syndrome' is my scape goat... other times it's my 'drugs' or 'epilepsy'... ha ha.... it really is just my own fault today... i am sorry for my anger!

Wow... i am amazed... i feel better already.... it's completely gone.... this is so strange............

Winter

Some quotes for the day.......

"God will lead you to no waters He cannot part, no brink He cannot cross, no pain He cannot bear." - Anon.

"It is said that in some countries trees will grow, but will bear no fruit, because there is no winter there." - John Bunyan

"Some plants die if they have too much sunshine. It may be that you are planted where you get but little, but you are put there by the loving Husbandman, because only in that situation will you bring forth fruit to perfection." - Spurgeon

Lady in White

This postcard makes me laugh.... what is she wearing? and what is she doing? It's from Japan though... why doesn't that surprise me?!

War-Zone

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often i have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!" - Luke 13:34

What an amazing, yet heart-breaking verse.

God's heart is so compassionate and loving that he literally longs to gather his children together - as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings. What a lovely analogy. It denotes an almost divine jealousy that God has for his people. That is comforting and reassuring - we can be gathered safely under God's wings and looked after as a parent looks after a child. That is what Jesus seems to be suggesting. That seems to be his heart. His longing.

Yet the most distressing thing here is that He goes on to say 'but you were not willing'. There is no lack in His love or His desire to care for his children. The problem here would appear to be that 'they were not willing.' They did not receive what was being offered. How unimaginably awful would it be to stand before God and hear Him say 'i longed for you, to gather you as one of my own... but you were not willing." This is really serious. This is tragic. Flippin tragic. But it is the reality for so many people today. And even as christians i think half the time it's hard to receive what God offers us. Why is that? Are we really such stubborn and proud and hardened people that we are unwilling to be gathered under God's wings? It would appear so.

I don't think i realised, until i was unwell, how often i, even as a Christian, reject grace and love that is freely offered me. It was only when i was rendered completely useless, and needed to rely on help from others, that i realised how much i had to learn about receiving still and how strangely hard it can actually be. I am nothing other than what God makes me or gives me. I am nothing and can never give anything, unless i learn how to receive. If i want to live through God's grace, rather than my own strength, i have to continuously receive. Receive that which is freely given.

In some ways this verse frightens me. But it makes me also think how beautiful Jesus' heart is, and how painful it must be for Him to suffer continuous rejection. Later on it says that "as he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it." (Luke 19.41.) It is never possible to deny God's abundant heart of love and compassion for His people. It is the people's unwillingness to receive it, or their lack of love for God that is the problem. A grievious, heart-wrenching problem.

I sometimes think to myself as i walk down the street, that in a way i am walking through a war-zone of injured, dying people, or through a cemetry of those who are spiritually dead and are rejecting God. And it actually makes me want to be physically sick. It hurts my guts so badly that i don't know what to do with it. The pain of losing someone close to you is horrible - and in a wierd way, the reality is that there is a nation of people that need grieving over too... people who are spiritually dead. What do i do in response to this? I don't know. What did Jesus do? He wept. He wept for those lost forever. And He wept for Lazarus who He was about to raise back to life. It would appear that no matter what hope, or lack of hope, there is for some-one's future, Jesus still weeps over the reality of the situation as it is, at that moment. Would it help for me to weep? I don't know. Or is it something we can not physically bare and only God can? To some degree quite possibly. I think the pain of seeing your friends and family rejecting God is so intense it is unbareable. But maybe we are called to share in it to some degree though. I don't even think it's necessarily a choice... unless your heart is hard then you're going to feel it to some extent i guess. It does say in in Romans 8.22-23 "that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth". And in John 16.20 "that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; you will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."

This is quite an intense topic and i have had it on my heart and mind for a long time now. So i don't expect to come up with a nice, concise, blog entry today. That is not possible. All that is left for me to do now, is say i'm very grateful that i have a caring and infinitely wise God.... who raised up dry bones from a valley and raised up His son from the tomb.... With such a God, all things are possible........

Springhouse Road lingers on.....

"I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth."
- Psalm 121.1-2 -

The finest pin will never hold a butterfly

"The finest pin will never hold a butterfly"- Jeffrey Faucault

"For He looked for a city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God." - Hebrews 11.10

I really like this image by Kat Heyes. In a strange way it reminds me of the above bible verse, and also the song lyrics that i quoted at the top. That is one of my favourite bible verses and I like the fact that this picture, which reminds me of it, also has a butterfly on it. I love butterflies. I think they have such a mysterious beauty and life about them and they always make me feel hopeful. To me this picture seems to intertwine the mystery of longing, with the beauty of hope. One day i will be there; in the city i long for, with the God i love, as a completely new creation - and no pin will ever hold me.

Hoss Intropia

-Image from Hoss Intropia, a fashion company-

I'm such a visual person that i can be fascinated for hours just by looking at anything really! - people, life, magazines, art and so on.... i even take great note at the presentation of things or the way things are advertised, such as clothes..... I collect flyers, not for what they are advertising, but just if i like the designs on them. Is that really shallow? i don't know. Maybe it partly is. But i'd like to think that it's just cos i appreciate aesthetics, which can't be altogether bad can it? I don't know.

Hosanna

In the Old Testament 'Hosanna' is used as a cry for help, as a desperate plea and as a cry for God to save his people. The kind of cry you would shout when you are drowning and can't swim. It's used like that in Psalm 118.25

However, in the New Testament the meaning of the word Hosanna changes. It is used more as a shout of hope and praise and exultation. It's used when Jesus comes riding into Jerusalem on the donkey. Rather than meaning "Help, save us"... it now means "Our Salvation has come! Hooray!" The reason for this is because Jesus has now come. Rather than crying out desperately for a redeemer, we can cry out confidently because our redeemer has come. 'Hosanna' switched from being a plea to praise.

I particularly like this because Hosanna is my middle name and i can deeply identify with both it's meanings. I remember when all my heart could do was desperately cry out "Help" and "Save your people", but i know too what it is to be able to freely and confidently rejoice that the answer to my cry has come, in the form of Jesus.

I remember clearly when my own cry of Hosanna kinda changed..... from being a desperate cry, to being a confident cry. From being hopeless to hopeful. The difference between when you are drowning and you can't see any-one around to help, and when you are drowning but you can see the life-guard jumping in to save you - you may still cry 'help' but this time you know you will be alright.

Last night i had that same revelation again... i realised that this last week i had been crying out "Hosanna" in the Old Testament way... in desperation.... and had been slightly losing sight of the freedom and victory and hope and confidence we do have in God. Anyway, out of no-where, i was suddenly reminded of this as i was going to sleep yesterday and was filled with such sweet joy again. That was much needed.

Illustration...

I recently came across the work of an illustrator called Natalie Tweedie. I quite like some of her work so have included a sample above. Infact i have been discovering quite a few new illustrators recently and am suddenly re-inspired myself... there is a very specific style of contemporary illustration that i do really love and would aspire to create if i were to become more artistic. I can forsee my blog taking frequent detours in order to keep note of anything i find that does inspire me!....

Giving up

"Why should i lose heart? when i know how great you are.

Why should i give up? when your plans are full of love."

Paddling

I really like this photo by a guy called Jason Frank Rothenberg. His photos are well composed i think. I don't know why i like it exactly, except it's kinda soothing and i think it appeals to that naive, wishful side of me, that wants everything to be sweet and lovely, when in reality life isn't like that!

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29.13

Pockets on our hearts

My sister Hannah gave me a post card on which she doodled the above. She was kinda messing around cos we often chat about how prayer is more than just words and have a little joke about the fact that she carries a picture of Dizzee Rascal in her bible, as her prayer for him. She always says that she 'carries people in her heart' and that is partly how she prays for them. We joke about how we should have little pockets on our hearts so that we can put photos of people we are praying for in them. Despite the joking, there is some truth in it though... and her way of praying seems to be real and work... and is probably more meaningful and true than prayers which are just words that tumble out without much thought. So, i propose we all stitch pockets on our hearts and start carrying people on our hearts before God!

"Prayer is the soul's sincere desire, Uttered or unexpressed; The motion of a hidden fire, That trembles in the breast. Prayer is the burden of a sigh, The falling of a tear; The upward glancing of an eye, When none but God is near." - Rev George Philip M.A.

It will

"'What are you doing?'

'I'm planting a haycorn, Pooh, so that it can grow up into an oak tree, and have lots of haycorns just outside the front door instead of having to walk miles and miles, do you see Pooh?'

'Supposing it doesn't?' said Pooh.

'It will, because Christopher Robin says it will, so that's why I'm planting it.'"

-from Winnie the Pooh - A.A.Milne -

Oh to have faith and obedience like Piglet!

As empty shell..

"As empty shell in depths of sea, so would i sink, be filled with Thee." - Amy Carmichael

The desire in my heart today is so deep and real and raw that it almosts hurts with longing after God. I am empty, and as a shell i would sink to the depths of the sea if that would fill me with Him. I read in Spurgeon's daily reading something which encouraged me though. It was on the following verse:

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." - Matt 5.6

Very simply it said to remember the promise contained in that verse - if you long after righteousness you will be filled - And it said if that's the case, then how much more will you be filled if you long after the one who is Righteous. That makes my longing feel so sweet. "It will be filled." How thankful i am for that promise. It brings hope and joy to ease the pain of desire right now.

If a finger's pointing to the sky..

"If a finger's pointing to the sky, only a fool would look at the finger." - Amelie

I was looking at a buttercup yesterday and was amazed at the beauty of it. It's petals looked like they'd been coated in deep flourescent paint and then been dipped in the sun to gain a golden glow. It's truely a work of art. Once again i am perplexed at how someone can believe in evolution. I was also admiring a daisy while waiting for my bus... it's just a little flower which isn't even highly rated, yet there is such perfection in it's little petals and i wonder at why we should be blessed with so many hundreds of these to brighten up the fields and roadside grass?

It's like they're all there to point to God; their creator. They all seem to shout out in their glory, "look at me and my beauty, but i'm just a glimpse of Him who made me, now look at Him and join with me and sing to Him". When people look at a piece of traditional "artwork" they may well marvel at it, but it is always the artist who is really given the credit, it's always the artist who would receive the prize in a competition, not the piece of art. It makes me wonder sometimes, and feel sad at, how easily people forget to thank God for all he's made and instead worship the creature rather than the creator.

"God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy seperately, but has never got tired of making them! It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we." - G. K. Chesterton

The busker

I love this photo, my Mum took it in cornwall last week - In fact it's not so much the 'photo' i love, but just the moment in life that it captures - it's that moment in life that i really love... it's the man who is busking on his accordion, with his crazy hat and long beard and 'God bless' sign that i love... admittedly i don't know him and didn't hear his music, but i still think he has so much character and individuality about him and it just makes me smile and appreciate all that God created people to be!

This is my desire

"...that He would grant unto us, that we being delivered out of the hand of our enemies might serve Him without fear in holiness and righteousness before Him, all the days of our life." - Luke 1:74-75

...This is my desire...

Why does this make me cry so much?

The spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

Because the Lord has annointed me

To bring good news to the afflicted;

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

To proclaim liberty to captives

And freedom to prisoners;

To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord

And the day of vengeance of our God;

To comfort all who mourn,

To grant those who mourn in Zion,

Giving them a garland instead of ashes,

The oil of gladness instead of mourning,

The mantle of praise instead of fainting,

So they will be called oaks of righteousness,

The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

- Isaiah 61.1-3 -

In reaching for rhodedendrons

"In reaching for rhodedendrons we often trample down the daisies."