Friday, January 22, 2010

On Repeat?

The end of January and beginning of February have been consistently strange for the last 5 years. I don't know why exactly, but it's like that month gets stuck on repeat, and each year a similar set of events unfold and all-in-all it ends up being a pretty bad month.... along with other things, it usually includes my attempts to do something new and those attempts failing... and ending up in hospital...

So, it will soon be that same time of year. I don't really believe it's possible for a month to get stuck on repeat and be similar each year... that is a silly idea.... but i do always feel acutely aware of things when it approaches.

Anyway, this year, i am doing something new... i am going back down South for a while... but the difference is, this year i believe that by God's grace, i'm not going to be having seizures. So, for a start, i guess that is something different about this month in comparison with the last 5 years. 

However, this year, rather than simply feeling apprehensive that everything might go wrong again, i do feel positive that it could be different. After all, it's just a strange coincidence that the last 5 years were so similar, and it's not possible for that to mean that this year will be the same. But, despite feeling like this will be a good, not bad month, i am also now faced with the strangest sense of loss. What i mean is, i replay events over in my head... even from 5 years ago.... and it kinda hurts.... i remember all that i was believing God for... the people who i met in Sheffield and was desperate to see come to know Jesus... the Church things i was involved in up North, and how it all ended up.... and i just feel something a bit like grief and a bit like regret... that maybe if i had done things differently, things would have worked out differently. Which sounds strange and over-dramatic, i know.

Anyway, i don't want to get caught up in the last 5 years... when really God has brought me through that period in the most amazing way... and has made me so much better... and given me opportunities to move forward... and hope for the future... so, somehow, i know i have to just look forward to what's ahead... and remember that God is the one who works all things out, and establishes His plans... our hope is in Him, not our own plans and visions and dreams...

"I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed." - Isaiah 49.23

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