..decisions..

"God's commandments cannot fail, because God Himself upholds them and along with them everyone who looks to them.... I look to God's commandments when my decisions are based not on other people or on my own ideas and experiences, but when i ask ever anew - even against my pious thoughts and experiences - What is God commanding me to do? Even with my most pious ways and decisions i may come to shame, but never with God's commandment...." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I think this is true. But i also think it's a whole lot easier said than done....

The night water...

I don't really know how to use my camera yet, hence the bad shots... but i did enjoy the walk and the way the water reflected the night light...

Messing with night light and old boat windows....

How much more...

And if we cry, how much more must He? If i can barely look, cos one glance in their eyes weighs down my heart, how much more must it grieve Him?.. because He does look, and He doesn't turn away, and He sees it all... so much more than i ever see.... He sees their thoughts, He sees their minds, He sees their hearts, He sees their whole lives, He sees everything.... unspoken-struggles are known to Him, burdened hearts are laid bare before Him, dark-nights are clear as day to Him, whispered cries are all heard by Him..... So why do i feel like these situations are hopeless? Why do i look and just want to cry?...... Why do i feel like there is no way these lives can change?... Why do i think of countless individuals i know, who's lives are so broken and so complex, and find myself wondering if they really can be made whole, or if it's too much to hope for?... Why are my nights full of their faces and my heart longing til it hurts and i am left overwhelmed?... And why if i truly care, do i do so little, say so little and risk so little?...

But when i stop and let His heart penetrate mine, then i remember. And remembering changes my perspective. Because i remember He cares so much more than me. He loves so much more than me. And though i do so little and say so little and know so little, though i haven't a clue how to help and am just stumbling along, He does - He knows and understands and interceeds; on behalf of the broken, the lost, the helpless, the poor, the sinful, the wretched, the hopeless nobodies.... And not one single life is beyond the reach of His resurrecting, restoring power..... not one single person is too complex, or too sinful, or too broken, or too sick, to be changed by Him. I think i care, yet give so little of myself... but He really does care, for He gave His own son.... He sacrificed His very self... and that is one mighty reason why there truly is hope for everyone.

"Love is as strong as death." (Song of Songs 8.6) Death is pretty much as bad and as dark and as lifeless as something can get. So if love can conquer death, then sure as anything love can conquer all the rest. So, in His love, i shall set my hope.

15

A couple of months ago i visited Oldham for a few days, to check out the work that Eden are doing there at the moment. I got to know a few of the girls from the estate, who had recently started going to the youth club at the Church there, and i've kept in touch with some of them since. I was chatting online to one of them a couple of nights ago. She had just become a Christian, and was really excited, but also scared to tell her family. I had a good chat with her, and felt encouraged by what God is doing in that place. Even over the last few weeks i've observed a noticable change in this girl. It's a pretty run down area of Manchester, and most of the kids who have just started coming to the youth activities are from pretty difficult backgrounds. I'm glad that there are Christians living amongst them, acting as light in an otherwise dark place.

However, I found out just now, that one of the other girls i met when i was there, has just died. She just collapsed and died. I only chatted to her over a couple of days, so barely knew her at all, but she had been friends with the other kids for years. I feel really shocked. It's so sad. She was only 15 years old. And it makes me realise again how suddenly and easily a life can just end. It is my hope that she was amongst the few girls who i know gave their lives to Jesus last Sunday night, but i don't know if she was or not. It makes me feel again a sense of urgency... that there are so many people who need to hear about Jesus before it's too late. And it is my prayer that God will comfort the family and friends of Lucy as they grieve.

I don't know why i am writing this post. I am supposed to be packing, but i suddenly feel numb and unable to do anything.

Only a little child...

"I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties." - 1 Kings 3:7

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Cor 12:9

"The Lord will fulfil His purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures for ever - do not abandon the works of your hands." - Psalm 138:8

I am glad that it is "the Lord" who fulfils His purpose.. and that the final responsibility isn't on us.

On Repeat?

The end of January and beginning of February have been consistently strange for the last 5 years. I don't know why exactly, but it's like that month gets stuck on repeat, and each year a similar set of events unfold and all-in-all it ends up being a pretty bad month.... along with other things, it usually includes my attempts to do something new and those attempts failing... and ending up in hospital...

So, it will soon be that same time of year. I don't really believe it's possible for a month to get stuck on repeat and be similar each year... that is a silly idea.... but i do always feel acutely aware of things when it approaches.

Anyway, this year, i am doing something new... i am going back down South for a while... but the difference is, this year i believe that by God's grace, i'm not going to be having seizures. So, for a start, i guess that is something different about this month in comparison with the last 5 years. 

However, this year, rather than simply feeling apprehensive that everything might go wrong again, i do feel positive that it could be different. After all, it's just a strange coincidence that the last 5 years were so similar, and it's not possible for that to mean that this year will be the same. But, despite feeling like this will be a good, not bad month, i am also now faced with the strangest sense of loss. What i mean is, i replay events over in my head... even from 5 years ago.... and it kinda hurts.... i remember all that i was believing God for... the people who i met in Sheffield and was desperate to see come to know Jesus... the Church things i was involved in up North, and how it all ended up.... and i just feel something a bit like grief and a bit like regret... that maybe if i had done things differently, things would have worked out differently. Which sounds strange and over-dramatic, i know.

Anyway, i don't want to get caught up in the last 5 years... when really God has brought me through that period in the most amazing way... and has made me so much better... and given me opportunities to move forward... and hope for the future... so, somehow, i know i have to just look forward to what's ahead... and remember that God is the one who works all things out, and establishes His plans... our hope is in Him, not our own plans and visions and dreams...

"I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed." - Isaiah 49.23

Because He told them to...

Sometimes i think that situations turn out completely differently to how we expect, but despite this, we have to trust God has a purpose in them. One of my favourite passages is Mark 6:45-52. The disciples get into the boat, and face a storm on the sea. You could look at this situation and say that maybe they shouldn't have gone out in the boat that night, and then they would have avoided the storm.. but actually verse 45 says that Jesus "made His disciples get into the boat, and go before Him to the other side." Jesus told them to do it. Naturally you might presume that Jesus' purpose in this was 'cos He wanted them on the other side of the lake, and maybe He did... but when you read the passage, it seems that His purpose was much more than that... that maybe it had nothing much to do with location, but simply to do with the fact that He wanted them to meet that storm... because in meeting that storm they also met Him.... for He went out to them in the midst of it..  walked on water, calmed the storm, and left them "utterly astounded". 

I really love this, because if i'm honest there have been times in my life where i have done something, thinking i knew God's purpose in it, only to discover the whole thing turned out completely differently to what i expected.... to discover the whole thing turned out a bit like a nightmare. Times like that can make you doubt if you heard God right in the first place, or if you just went completely wrong... but sometimes i think it's simply because God had a different purpose to ours. Maybe His purpose was that we would meet Him in the middle of that situation, at each moment on the journey, because He is more concerned with relationship than other things.

When we moved to the midlands, i expected things would turn out differently to how they have. For my family, as much as for me. But together we have realised that maybe God's purpose was different to ours. Maybe i would never have been healed if i hadn't come here? Maybe we have seen and learnt more about God from this strange 2 years, than if it had turned out how we expected. I don't really know. But i don't believe it was completely wrong for us to move here. Just that God's purpose was different to ours.

The second thing i like about this passage is that the disciples were actually "terrified" when they saw Jesus walking on water. It sounds like they were more afraid of Jesus than the storm. I don't know why exactly i like this, except i think that it shows how human they were.. and that even though Jesus had told them to go out on the boat, they still felt natural fear in that situation.. and even when they saw Jesus Himself, they were still terrified.... and i think Jesus knew that this was what was going to happen... and i think He knew that in the middle of this situation there would be the opportunity for them to see more of who He is, to learn to trust Him more and catch a greater sense of His power and His care for them. 

Whatever the case, i guess God never asks us to question His purpose.. He just asks us to obey Him and trust Him with the rest..... even if what He tells us to do initially makes us afraid... even if it turns out completely differently to what we expect. And after all it says that "He cares for us" (1 Peter 5:7) And the fact that He cares and has proven Himself faithful in the past, should be enough to give us certainty that we can trust the future to Him too...

I know from experience that this can sound simplistic though, and in reality it can be much harder to walk in such faith - i am naturally fearful and anxious and always wonder if i got it all wrong - but i don't think that makes it any less true.

A few....

A few of my favourite things.....

1.Urban Scenes 2. Autumn Leaves 3. Misty Roads 

4. Light Beams

 5. Stencil Art 6. Paper Cuts  7. Old faces  8. Street Dancers

9. Cupped Hands 10. Umbrellas 11. Balconies 12. Telephone Wires

13. Winter Jumpers 14. Feathers 15. Checked Shirts 

16. Prayerful Hearts

17. Negative Space 18. Old Patterned Floors 

19. Painted Walls 20. Glass Bottles

21. Stacked Old Boxes 22. Wigwams 23. Letters 24.Old Cameras, Attentive Faces

* Turns out, i like a lot of things... 'cos as i was doing this visual list, i could have gone on and on and on.... and i only included about 0.1% of things i like in the list above and they are in no particular order.... And just to make it clear, i don't mean "things-i-love-in-a-simply-material-way" but more "things-i-like-because-of-a-multitude-of-other-reasons".... and ultimately you've gotta praise God for all good things.

* Obviously these are not my own photos, each word in the list links to the original photographer.

* I just laughed when i re-read it and noticed the strange shift from "Checked Shirts" to "Prayerful Hearts"

* Alternative post title = How to waste an evening.

fear not

"I will help thee, says the Lord." - Isaiah 41.14 

"It is but a small thing for Me, thy God, to help thee. Consider what I have done already. What! not help thee? Why, I bought thee with My blood. What! not help thee? I have died for thee; and if I have done the greater, will I not do the less? Help thee! It is the least thing I will ever do for thee; I have done more, and will do more. Before the world began I chose thee. I made the covenant for thee. I laid aside My glory and became a man for thee; I gave up My life for thee; and if I did all this, I will surely help thee now. In helping thee, I am giving thee what I have bought for thee already. If thou hadst need of a thousand times as much help, I would give it thee; thou requirest little compared with what I am ready to give. 'Tis much for thee to need, but it is nothing for me to bestow. 'Help thee?' Fear not! 'I will help thee.'" - Spurgeon

WIndow light

Photo by 朴白

He will complete it

I was talking to my little bro last night and He reminded me that God doesn't do things in part... that when He brought the Israelites out of Egypt, He then led them into a new land. He brought them out of one thing, but didn't just leave them there, but then brought them into something else. That He restores things fully and that when He begins a good work He will complete it. (Phil 1.6) He is right. It reminds me of one of my favourite verses, which i have quoted before, and view as both a prayer and a promise:

"that we, being delivered from the hand of our enemies, might serve Him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before Him all our days." - Luke 1.74-75

With a limp

I'm just walking through life with a limp. Stumbling you could say. Taking unneccessary detours. Indirect paths. And falling into the gutter far too much. But then, isn't everyone? And isn't that just how we learn? And it's precisely then that we realise how much bigger He is than all of this. How dependant we are on Him - as our walking stick, our guider, our picker-uper.

He has said.

Spurgeon's daily readings have been good recently. I could do with taking on board what he says. A summary of my recent favourite quotes are as follows:

"The iron did swim." - 2 Kings 6.6

"Contray to all expectation, the iron was made to mount from the depth of the stream and to swim; for things impossible with man are possible with God."

"Beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me." - Matthew 14:30

"There were but three words in the petition which Peter gasped out, but they were sufficient for his purpose. Not length but strength is desirable. A sense of need is a mighty teacher of brevity. If our prayers had less of the tail feathers of pride and more wing they would be all the better. Verbiage is to devotion as chaff to the wheat. Precious things lie in small compass, and all that is real in prayer in many a long address might have been uttered in a petition as that of Peter... When we can do nothing, Jesus can do all things; let us enlist His powerful aid upon our side, and all will be well."

"Do as Thou hast said." - 2 Samuel 7.25

"When a Christian grasps a promise, if he does not take it to God, he dishonours Him; but when he hastens to the throne of grace, and cries, 'Lord i have nothing to recommend me but this: "Thou hast said it" then His desire shall be granted."

And there is nothing i can bring to God as a reason why He should help me, except the fact that in His word He has said... 

The children of Malawi

My Dad keeps telling me these incredible stories about some kids in Malawi.. and every time it blows my mind and moves me deeply... If you want a true example of beautiful, child-like, humble faith, even in the most difficult situations, then these children will teach you a lot.

A lady we know goes out regularly to offer practical help to this group of blind, orphaned children in Malawi. At the moment the situation out there is heart-breakingly difficult and they have been going for such long periods of time without food, eventually eating things like grass, just to stay alive. When they were given bags of rice by this lady, they ran around with joy exclaiming that "Jesus lives" and hears their prayers. That in itself shows how beautiful their hearts are and challenges me as to how easily i get caught up in stupid worries and how much i forget to be thankful for all the good things God provides me with.

But the thing which strikes me even more - that i literally cannot begin to comprehend, and makes me cry when i even consider it, is this:

They have such a beautiful and passionate love of God, despite their poverty and their blindness - and they pray for others with such faith and such love. Today, my Dad told me about a lady in England, who was given 2 days to live. She had a big lump on her spine and couldn't even move, but was just in hospital and about to die. There was literally no hope for her. And these children in Malawai, prayed for her. These poor, blind, orphan children, poured out their hearts to God when they heard about her, and begged Him to heal her. And the next day, she was well. She was sitting up in bed and eating and recovered. The Doctors say it is a miracle. She was going to die, but now she will live. The lady we know told us that as these children prayed, she saw how earnest they were, and how beautiful their faith was. And i reckon that God heard their prayers. I praise God for that. And i praise Him for these children.

But here is the other thing. These same children prayed for me.

During the months just prior to when i believed it was right to come off my medication, i was pretty ill. Our friend was in Malawi at the time and i don't know why she did this, but she told the people there about me.. and they had a meeting just to pray for me. I knew nothing about this at the time. But it was around then that i felt certain God was healing me and from then on that i got so much better. I'm not saying that it was simply down to these children... i know so many people prayed for me over the years and around that time.... i'm sure God heard everybodies prayers and had His own timing for things.... but maybe, i don't know, just maybe, God saw something so self-less and beautiful in the faith of these poor suffering children, that He answered their simple cries. 

What blows my mind more than anything, is just the fact that these children, who were genuinely suffering... who wear only rags, and have virtually no food, who are orphans and are blind, would pray for someone like me.... a self-absorbed foolish girl from a rich Country. It makes no sense. No sense at all. I can't get over it. It means so much to me. And, if i'm honest, i don't understand it either. I don't understand why God would help me, and yet these children are still blind. And apparently, when they heard how much better i was, they all danced around with joy.

Honestly, i am astounded by the hearts and faith of these children. I am thankful for them. And i honestly feel that in all their poverty and all their suffering, they show me more of who Jesus is than most Western Christians i've met. 

He says

"Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord" 

- Zechariah 4.6

--

I really like this photo by Utsuru

Deep roots

Illustration by Renée Nault

And underneath is a whole world that no eyes ever see. Deep in the heart is a whirlwind of life; roots that are bound, roots that are free. We look at a girl standing under a tree. That girl stands on cities, birds, a beast, a sea. What is it i wonder, that's underneath me?

"Underneath are the everlasting arms." - Deut 33.27

"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." - Luke 2.19

"Good growth takes place upward and downward at the same time... O heavenly Sower, plough me first, and then cast the truth into me, and let me yield Thee a bounteous harvest." - Spurgeon

Ebenezer

"He named it Ebenezer, saying 'Thus far has the Lord helped us.' " 

- 1 Samuel 7.12

always

photo via jaami

Would you?

"Would you speak to me, of beauty. Would you speak to me, of love. Would you sing to me, like honey; let my lips taste that you're good. It's true you've stolen my heart, but i've lost footsteps here in the dark. Are you close to me, would you be right outside my window? Would you speak to me... I want my lips to taste that you're good." - The Blackthorn Project

Little child...

Little child, your smile makes me smile. Your sweet blue eyes and wistful gaze. The way they glisten in the sun. The way you skip on wooden floors, just like you're running through a field of flowers. The way you take your crisps and want to share. The way you climb onto your sisters lap and just sit there. The way you just are. Just a child. Just a child. But in all your childish ways you're more wise than me. In all your innocence and smiley outbursts, you're more than me. Much more. Teach me, little child. Teach me, how to live again....

Typewriter paintings

"I saw a little boy riding a tricycle on the side-walk today. I don't know how to draw tricycles,  or the human figure in any position other than standing, so here is the boy, and above him, a ball that he would probably have thrown into the air had he not been riding his trike."

"I walked into the post as usual today. whilst in line to mail a small package, it suddenly occured to me that i was wearing the exact same colour scheme as the old old man in front of me. that is something that cannot be left unacknowledged. i tapped him on the shoulder and said, "we match!" and he looked me up and down and laughed! and then we continued to stand in line like usual."

I came across these by Lesley Kerr. She took an old book and made each page into a diary entry, adding a little picture and typing a matching message on a typewriter! I wrote out the typewritter message under each picture, cos it's not that easy to read in the photo. Anyway, i just think it's a really lovely idea and it makes me smile....

Plans for wholeness

"For i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29.11

I like the way that the ESV paper translation says "plans for wholeness..." I don't remember having read that translation of this verse before... i was expecting it to say "plans to prosper you.." and was pleasantly surprised when i read it this morning... maybe particularly because i was writing about brokeness yesterday....

Kiss the River

"I still remember, falling to the floor and
Now I, often wonder how I ever dared to let you come
Even closer, closer than the air around me 
Underneath my skin

And I remember sitting down beside the river
The water moving, heaving like a living breathing thing
Moving closer, I was strangely drawn and then I
Heard you call my name

And now I’m drowning, drowning in your life
Somehow I’m living, I’m living just to die
Just like the river, rolls into the sea
So I surrender to the sweetest love, rolling over me

It’s funny how the memory can fade, but then I’m
Still reminded, when I smell the rain and I feel
Moved to kneel and live it all again
And I try to kiss the river

And now I’m dying, just to live again
And I am longing, waiting ‘til the rain
Becomes a river, swelling like a flood 
So I can dive into the sweetest love…
Until I’m drowning, drowning in your life
Until I’m living, I’m living just to die
Just like the river, rolls into the sea
So I surrender to the sweetest love, rolling over me"

- Song Lyrics by Paul Oakley. I heard this song for the first time yesterday. I love it, though it's too hard to explain why. -

"'I will be their God.' Here is a deep sea of bliss, a shoreless ocean of delight; come, bathe thy spirit in it; swim an age, and thou shalt find no shore; dive throughout eternity, and thou shalt find no bottom." - Spurgeon

Derelict buildings and perfectionists

photo via neeka

This might be slightly strange, but i actually love derelict buildings. And i love old doors, or broken windows, or walls which have paint flaking off them. I love council estates more than posh houses and run-down neighbourhoods more than fancy holiday destinations. I think it's because i feel more at home there and i feel out of place in 'perfect' locations. Sometimes i wonder if it's strange to like something that is so clearly in need of restoration, to like something that is so far from 'perfect', but i think i like the way that battered buildings bare the marks of life. It's like they tell the stories of countless lives, they testify to the reality of human existance - with all it's pain and all it's joy and all it's brokeness. In the same way that a worn-out teddy, that has been loved 'til it falls to pieces, seems more precious than a brand new one. I guess a lowly, battered building just is what it is. No masks, no signs of a person trying to impress. But most of all i think it's just because broken places seem more real to me than perfect places. And i think that's why i feel much more comfortable around broken people than those who seem to have it all together. 

At the very same time though such places and people do awaken in me a longing for restoration and i am looking towards the day when all things are made new. I know God is a God of transformation, who turns darkness to light, and brokeness to wholeness, and doesn't leave people in their mess.... but that is a real kind of restoration, that happens through love - it's completely different to Worldly restoration or Worldly perfection.  It's more concerned with the heart, than with outward appearances. 

In many ways it is strange that i so love run-down, unperfect places and people. I find it strange because if i'm honest, i know i am naturally a perfectionist. This trait seeps into so many parts of my life, in ways which i know are far from good and in ways which are sometimes just silly. For example, if i make a mistake when i write a letter i feel the need to tear it up and start again, rather than cross it out. And I daily have to remind myself to get my priorities right. And i daily fail at this. But deep down i would still truly rather spend my time with people who are real, however messed up and unperfect they are, than with those who spend hours trying to look perfect and sound perfect and be perfect, but care little for love. Maybe this is just because i know the person i am. And despite all my perfectionist traits, I know how foolishly unattainable perfection is. I know how sinful and foolish and broken i am.... and how really, that's what everyone is like, no matter how well they manage to hide it. The only hope with have is to trust in Jesus' perfection and stand before Him as broken, sinful beings, waiting patiently and willingly for Him to complete the work of real restoration that He has begun in us. 

The overlap

"And i'm living in the overlap

I'm living in the balance, between

What is and is to come.

I'm living in freedom

But i'm caught in a tension

Between now and the age to come."

-Paul Oakley-

the sun in her eyes...

Photo by Frenchie-Jane

I understand very little...

I came across a blog a few years ago, written by a lady who's 3 year old daughter had died in a tragic accident. She was playing hide and seek, hid in a hot car and fell asleep there. She died from the heat. It made me cry for days. I didn't even know the girl. It just seems so sad, that a child can die so young, and with them all the hopes and dreams that a family has for that child's life. I don't know how someone comes to terms with it. I haven't been on her blog for a while, but read it today and she recited a conversation she had just had with her other 4 year old daughter. She tells her daughter that one day they will all be together again in heaven. They discuss heaven a lot, from a very worldly perspective of heaven. And what she says is what most people tell children. It's the easiest thing to tell them. But, from what i'm aware, this family don't believe in Jesus. Obviously i'm not going to attempt to presume where any of them will end up. That is up to God. But it does break my heart to think that they have a dream of all being reunited again, when it might not actually be what happens. But what else can you tell a 4 year old? How else can you deal with this kind of grief if you don't have Jesus to help you? And how can you tell a grieving mother that unless they believe in Jesus then they actually won't see their daughter again? I don't have a clue. Sometimes the truth seems incredibly painful. You could discuss such things from a theological perspective endlessly, but when you take a living example, and let that reality penetrate your heart, somehow it just silences me and makes me realise i can't possibly grasp all these things. I guess i just confess today that i understand none of this. I trust that God is good, just, compassionate and loving. I know that He is close to the broken, the grieving, the poor, and loves to have children around Him. So i trust that He will work all things out in a way that is both right and loving and brings Him glory. I guess all He asks us to do is to love others and to teach them about Him. The rest is down to Him. But from this end, sometimes it seems like life is a very peculiar thing.