Truth, words and riddles....

A dear friend of mine told me today that sometimes my blog makes it sound like i'm still not very well... i don't think she meant it in a negative way, i think she was just curious as to how i was doing.... it made me realise that my posts are probably sometimes hard for others to interpret.... I'm sorry for that... I think i have a tendancy to write in a slightly cryptic way at times.... partly because i primarily write to myself and i actually find it much easier to express things that way and partly because i often want to say something but am unsure how appropriate it is to include specific details... especially if other people are involved. But this might actually just be confusing for anyone else who did read my posts.... However, I didn't actually think i had many, if any, regular readers these days so hadn't been too bothered by what i wrote, but the more i think about it now the more i realise that i'm probably no-where near as encouraging or positive as i should be. It's hard finding the right balance between being real and honest, yet not complaining and making sure what you say is edifying. It's hard knowing how open to be, when anyone could read it... And it's hard not to get too introspective and self-absorbed. I've yet to get the balance anywhere near right. I've been thinking a lot recently about stopping this blog, as i worry sometimes it might have more of a negative effect than a positive one if anyone did read it... but then again, on a personal level i actually find it very helpful to write. 

I guess the only real thing i have to offer is honesty though.... although i know that i sometimes find even that hard. I used to think that being honest meant telling things exactly as they were... but recently i've been reading some things by Dietrich Bonhoeffer where he says that it is so much more than the words we use. He said how it's vital to take into consideration the whole relationship we have with people when we decide on the words we use... you have to consider the time, place and context of a situation. He said it's possible to speak truthful words, which deny the truth of a relationship. For example a child could say something to their parents which might be completely true, but inappropriate because a child should respect their parents... and therefore despite the fact that the words are honest, the whole exchange isn't honest, because it denies the loving relationship that they are called to. I remember i once got so concerned about telling the truth that i couldn't even be sarcastic for a while... or tell jokes, or exaggerate in an obvious way to make a point, cos i was worried they might be classed as lies. Anyway, i am getting distracted from my point now.... i guess i was just trying to say that i want to be honest, but it's sometimes hard working out what that is!

At the end of the day the only perspective from which i can write is the perspective from which i live..  anything else will just be based on assumptions.... and people can tell when you write without really having any experience of something.... the words lack life somehow and are kinda colder.... at least that's what i find. But does that make it right or useful to write about my own life so much? I don't know...  maybe it's not good to be so self-absorbed? But then again our own lives are the story in which our faith is worked out, and therefore a vital instrument through which we can express faith and share it.... the place from which we can testify to the way God moves and speaks and shines through everyday tasks.... and the place where we see the truth of His word lived out. So, please forgive me if i talk about my life too much or too little.... if i'm too cryptic or too open.... if i'm too honest, or too fake..... i can only offer the reality of what i am, and that will be littered with mistakes..... but i trust God with the rest and pray that somehow, in the midst of all this, He can still be glorified.