A hundred joyful grooves

Little laughing boy what makes you smile so? Your eyes all creased, with a hundred joyful grooves underlining each. You know you make me smile too. Your hopeful spirit shimmering through. What makes your heart so free? With ragged clothes and bare feet you run a different race to me. But you ain't shackled with the ways of the West. And I won't judge you to be worse off, for in your face i see the riches of eternity. Little laughing boy, come let me learn from your simplicity.

Sleepless night

And in the distance i hear the dawn calling, the song bird reaching out to draw me in, that i may be gathered up in the approaching light, folded into the arms of that great morning. Tender hands bare my weight, the voice of truth beckons me come, i've waited all my life, but now the time is nigh, very soon i'll see my Saviour's face...

Even If....

“...our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up..” Daniel 3.16-17

I want to live my life with that kind of heart attitude.......  with full confidence in God, full trust in Him, to live in a way which honors Him above all else..... but still, even if.. even if.... He doesn't act in a way i believe He will, then still my confidence is in Him.... still i love Him and trust Him.... even if  He doesn't do that which i expect Him to do or know He is able to do.

I recently read a biography about Dr. C. Everett Koop. His son fell to his death in a climbing accident. At the end of a book he wrote, he included the following bible verse:

" Now unto Him who is able to keep you from falling..." - Jude 24-25  

and then he included his own declaration of faith, in reference to his son:

"God was able, but in His sovereignty He chose not to."  

So.... even if.....

By His wounds...

Funny how the most heartbreaking sight can make you whole. That which wrenches your innermost being can also work healing. That which is so wrong, can be what makes everything right. A man being whipped so his back is torn to pieces. Beauty being pierced. Righteousness bleeding. A broken body weeping love. What would you see written in each lash? a wealth of secret sin? a deadly mix of sickness? how much would each one weigh? how much would it cut, right through the skin? how much could we bare if we were standing right there? would we see our own life engraved into His wounds? would we realise how much it would have hurt? the pain of sin and sickness - the weight of a dying world. A whole world. Would we see that as he was broken, as he patiently endured, we were being released. Not just from sin, but from sickness. Would we really see? That by His wounds, we are healed.  

Talitha Cumi

"Taking her by the hand he said to her, “Talitha cumi,” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise.” Mark 5.41

This is one of my favourite miracles. Maybe it's because i love the words Jesus uses. The gentleness that overflows from them. Just the phrase "Talitha cumi" seems beautiful to me and brings a sparkle to my eyes. He doesn't speak it in front of crowds, he goes to her bedroom with just her parents and 3 disciples; it is intimate. The girl has died. At least it seems that way, though Jesus says she is simply sleeping. It is a sleep that He alone can wake her from though, with those beautiful words that call into her depths, calling her to arise. I'm not going to over analyse this. The hows and whys don't matter. I just love what He did. And the fact that when she got up He told them to give her something to eat. He knew what was best for her, He knew what she needed. Though He had performed a miracle, He didn't then ignore her daily needs. 

Maybe i love this too because i imagine it's relevant to us all. I imagine that even daily, in ways we may not even see, He speaks into our hearts and calls us to rise up in His strength, calls us to wake up from the sleepiness we so easily fall into, calls us to step out in faith. Maybe He does it in much bigger ways too, like when He first calls us out of death into life, or through a tangible healing. And i guess too it will one day be relevant again when we awake in His presence. There is a song i have been listening to recently and it has a beautiful line in it which says "wake me when it's spring time in heaven, when the tears are all wiped from my face, wake me when it's spring time in heaven, and i'm strong enough to walk in that place." 

Photos by Rui Palha

One day.

He makes all things new. All things, it says. That's quite a promise. He'll make the lame walk again. Those who can't speak will utter their first words of praise. Those who've lived in darkness all their lives will see. They'll actually see the beauty of life with their very own eyes. Shadows will take shape. And all life will be restored. Hope will deliver it's promise. Truth will prevail. Life will laugh at death, which will be dead forever, conquered by Jesus. And all eyes will see Him. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. His mighty roar will gather in the tribes, which will worship the spotless Lamb forever. For all our days, we'll serve Him. One day. One day. And we'll behold His face.. His eyes... His hands that bear our scars. For we know that our Redeemer lives. My Redeemer lives. 

Photo by Cat Vinton

... strange miracles...

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time - somehow i feel like it deserves to be written in a certain way, but i know i will never find those words, so instead i have chosen to write it today, in my simple clumsy language.

I heard about three healings recently. All of which have stayed with me. Two of them were people who have been healed of epilepsy. The other was actually just fiction - i read it in a novel, but still novel's can have power to speak to you, i think. 

By chance i came across the testimony of a Christian on-line - he happens to go to the same church as some friends of mine and i ended up speaking to him on the phone for a long time. He grew up with epilepsy, which got quite severe, and meant his life and schooling were badly affected. One day he became a Christian and felt God tell him he would be healed. Two years later he had an operation to remove part of his brain, and although he had a few seizures after, he has now been off medication and seizure free for 15 years. You could say it was just because of the operation. Or you could say it was God's way of healing him, using the operation as the method. I say it was down to God. 

This guy also told me the testimony of another man he knew, who also had epilepsy and went to his church for a while. They prayed for his healing and he then got cancer as well. However, after the radiotherapy that he had for the cancer, his seizures stopped. There is no logical reason for that, but it's what happened... and since then he has been seizure free. Another miracle i would say.

The third instance was the one i read in a story. Just fiction. But, in light of the other two testimonies it stood out at me. It involved a boy who had severely weak lungs. His Father often prayed for him. However, after a bizarre series of events in which he was shot in the chest, he recovered with perfect lungs.... showing no sign of the shooting, or of his previous sickness. (ok, so it's fiction, i know..)

Anyway, what i observed in all three cases, is that the healing actually happened through another seemingly bad event. The first guy had to have part of his brain removed. The second guy had to have radiotherapy. The third guy was shot. I genuinely believe that all three cases are examples of God's healing power and mercy though. They are not just chance occurances. But i also noticed that the healing doesn't happen how you would naturally expect. For some unknown reason, God decided that the best way of healing these people was through another difficult event. It wasn't that they were instantly healed when prayed for. But they were healed, over time. I believe God can heal instantly, but also that He has His own ways that only He understands and so sometimes heals over a long period of time, or in a wierd way, or sometimes not until the moment someone meets Jesus....  but I trust He knows what's best and is faithful to His word.

I praise God for healing these guys with epilepsy..... i have only ever met/spoken to a very, very small number of people who have epilepsy... at least half of these cases are of people who are now healed. 

I was shot four times.

Last night i dreamt i was shot four times, but i didn't die. The first two bullets only hit my arms, but the next two bullets could have killed me, i'm sure. I woke up thinking about this, everything in the dream felt very real, very distinct. I guess it's not that strange that i didn't die though, what with it being a dream, but still it perplexed me. This morning i read the classic passage from 2 Corinthians 11 and was led to consider all that Paul endured:

"Are they servants of Christ? I am a better one—I am talking like a madman—with far greater labors, far more imprisonments, with countless beatings, and often near death. 24 Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea;26 on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; 27 in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. 28 And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches. 29 Who is weak, and I am not weak? Who is made to fall, and I am not indignant?"

Seriously, how did he suffer all that without dying? There must be only one reason, simply that God sustained him and had a purpose in it. I don't think it would be possible to survive otherwise (unless you were an actor in a soap, but that's hardly realistic.) I don't really know what my point is in this post, except God is sovereign and lets people die when you think they shouldn't, and lets others live when everything says they should die. He alone knows why.

What is sustaining grace?

"Not grace to bar what is not bliss,

Nor flight from all distress, but this:

The grace that orders our trouble and pain,

And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain."

-John Piper-

His sweet will

"Ill that He blesses is our good. 

And unblest good is ill. 

And all is right that seems most wrong. 

If it be His sweet will."

-unknown-

Recovering from the disease of sin

This article by John Piper made me laugh, i like it and shall quote a little. It is entitled 'recovering from the disease of sin':

"With all our imperfections we have tasted the honey of divine Life and it has made our eyes sparkle. Christ is walking among us. Not because we are so much fun to be with but because he loves to make house calls on patients who glory in his medical expertise. He is not partial to the healthy. But he has a special fondness for the homeliest, weakest, sickliest patients whose eyes sparkle when he enters the room.

Sunday morning worship is when we all wheel ourselves together and shout, “Three cheers for Doctor Jesus!”

Sunday School is when we divide up into groups to make sure we understand his prescriptions......

A pastor is a convalescing cripple that the Doctor has assigned to teach others how to use the crutches of grace.

What a motley sanatorium we are! Paralyzed, clubfooted, humpbacked, pockfaced, nearsighted, cancer-eaten! But ... The Doctor’s here! He’ll touch any sore without a flinch. And O, how it soothes. He spends time. He talks. He looks you in the eye. He takes your elbow when you rise. He asks how Jake is doing. He promises he’ll be back. And he comes!

Sometimes he reads from his book about the day when he will finish all his therapy and make us perfect—like him. I can hardly wait. The other day he read me this about his Father’s plans:

And he will destroy on this mountain the covering that is cast over all peoples, the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth; for the Lord has spoken. (Isaiah 25:7, 8)

It made my eyes sparkle. I would have done a back flip like a baby gorilla—if I weren’t crippled. But I did lift my hands. Hallelujah. Three cheers for the Doctor!"

Like broken glass

My words fall to the ground like broken glass, a sound that's been made too many times before. No comfort to the ears. No comfort to the heart. Just a noise, but not a melody of life. Not the sound of salvation or gentle drops of mercy. No healing in them for the world that's torn apart, for the world that's dying. That's not how it should be. That's not what i desire. But i'm a fool and i speak too quick. There's a multitude on the streets, just waiting, in need of a word that will bring them life. One look into the eyes of a child and i see it. Eyes that seek love and encouragement. Eyes that are broken and disappointed, longing for wholeness, longing for life. We need lips that are streams of truth, of comfort, of love, of mercy, of healing. Out of the heart the mouth does speak. How bad my heart is. So fickle. So half-hearted. I hear myself crying 'please change me.. whatever it takes. Whatever.'.. But then i hear the sweet sound of that whisper in my ear, that tells me He has already done it. Done whatever it took. It took the death of His son. He is the only word that brings true restoration. God give me grace to speak it.

IT IS FINISHED

Four years ago i remember asking God for 3 simple words to write on my mirror, i don't remember why i asked such a bizarre thing, but i remember hearing the words "It is finished" spoken clearly back to me. I scribbled them on my mirror with blue eyeliner and they have remained there ever since. It's a constant, good reminder of what Jesus has done.

I never normally make new year's resolutions, but this year i have thought of a LOT i could make.... but i've still decided not to make any, because i know as soon as i do i'll be creating a law for myself, and quite simply i know i can't keep the law. That's why the words "It is finished" are so beautiful to me, because it reminds me how Jesus has completely dealt with all my law-breaking and sinful ways. Instead of new year's resolutions i've decided to just make sure i keep my eyes on Jesus and i hope that from there everything else will flow. I do desire to do things i would have made resolutions about..... but i know i can't do them by making them into a law to strive to keep, it can only happen secondary to loving and being absorbed in Jesus Himself.

I just read an article on the Desiring God website which is about a similar thing. They quote from a book by Martyn Lloyd-Jones which says:

"Would you like to be rid of this spiritual depression? The first thing you have to do is to say farewell now once and forever to your past. Realize that it has been covered and blotted out in Christ. Never look back at your sins again. Say: ‘It is finished, it is covered by the Blood of Christ’. That is your first step. Take that and finish with yourself and all this talk about goodness, and look to the Lord Jesus Christ. It is only then that true happiness and joy are possible for you. What you need is not to make resolutions to live a better life, to start fasting and sweating and praying. No! You just begin to say:

I rest my faith on Him alone
Who died for my transgressions to atone."

"Follow me" - John 21.19

LIttle girl Hile

Street art by izolag.

LIttle boy

Street art by izolag

The end of an era

"... a still small voice." 1 Kings 19.12

Yesterday i was told by my University Tutor that they don't want me to do the placements for my course because they are still concerned about my seizures and that i might frighten a client. I understand where they are coming from. The last thing i would want to do is freak someone out and put them in an unfair position of helping me when i am meant to be helping them. If i can't do my placements then i can't actually pass the course, so basically i'm not able to do Speech Therapy anymore. I am happy with this decision. I think in my heart i was coming to the same conclusion. I don't think i would have been able to cope with the work levels next term as i have struggled enough this term with just one module. The reality is that my brain just doesn't work the same as it ever used to and that's just the way it is.

To be honest, ever since i started my degree i have debated whether it's the right course for me. It's been on a lot of my prayer lists since i first started in 2002 - 6 years ago! That was even before i was ill! For some reason i have persisted with it. I don't know if that was right or not, but i believe it has still all been a valuable experience. The thing which strikes me now is that i can't help but think that it was that still small voice of God whispering to me all these years and i've just been very slow at hearing for sure.

I feel peaceful about it now though. I feel like an era is over and that it's right. I just feel it in my heart in a gentle way. Like it is His still small voice speaking to me now. I don't know what i'm going to do with my future, but i will trust that to Him.

I've been thinking about decision making a lot recently. There are lot of good examples in the Bible. I read an interesting article about how Joseph responded when he found out that Mary was pregnant. He decided to end his engagement as quietly as possible to avoid shame for Mary. Jon Bloom writes that Joseph "made the best decision regarding Mary that he could. It turned out to be the wrong one. But God, full of mercy, intervened. He gently corrected Joseph and gave him the guidance he needed." Although this example is about an extremely significant event i guess the principle is still the same for us -  that if we make decisions with integrity of heart, trusting God, and as best as we can, then if we are wrong, we can still trust God to intervene and lead us the right way.

I'm glad that i can trust God with my life, that i can trust Him to guide me, to whisper to me and to intervene when necessary.  He is my Shepherd and i guess guiding and protecting sheep on rough terrain or  on soft fields, on hills or valleys, is something that Shepherds are very good at.

Nevada

I love this photo by Nevada weir. There is so much character in the lady's face. Life is an amazing thing. God is an incredibly inventive and creative and intelligent creator.

Knowing not what

We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you. - 2 Chronicles 20:12

When bare is beautiful

I never knocked. I had a handful of excuses, but none of them were sufficient. The truth is i could have knocked on that battered door, but i didn't. The house round the corner from me has pulled at my heart every time i've passed it. It's garden was so overgrown it stood out like a sore thumb in the street. I've often wondered who lives there and as i pass it i feel a sadness overcome me. I've always imagined it belongs to an old man or lady, who sits there all alone. I don't know who really lives there, if anyone at all, but i've often thought i should knock and find out. Maybe try and sort their garden out for them. Maybe just see if they need any help. Maybe they might just want someone to sit with them. But i've never knocked. I've never helped them. I am ashamed of that. I'm ashamed of the countless times i've walked passed feeling that wave of sadness, a heaviness, a desire to reach out to them, yet never once did i let that turn into action, into real love. 

I walked past there again today to discover the garden was bare. All the tangled mess of plants had been routed up and the land looked new again. My heart actually skipped with relief, with joy. Someone cared. Or maybe it was just the owner. But to me that bare land was beautiful - it sung with hope. There seemed a possibility that something new could grow there now. I guess that's what it's often like with us. The old has to be broken down, rooted up, so that something new and good can grow there without being tangled up in our old mess. But it's not so much the land that really concerns me as the unknown story that is played out inside. The bungalows round here are full of older people. How many of them are alone? How many are just waiting? Waiting for someone to help them. For someone to care. For someone to love them. Maybe it's just my imagination, but somehow i'm sure it's true for at least some of them. They are yesterday's children, yesterday's heros, but today they are just forgotten treasures.      

Sao Paulo

"Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of Heaven." - Matt 19:14

Stencil art by French artist C215. Photos taken by Gregory Smith at the Hummingbird project in the favelas of Sao Paulo.

cheer my soul

"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." - Psalm 94:19

Jerusalem

Stencil art by C215. Photos taken in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv by Inspire.

I may tremble

"I may tremble on the Rock, but the Rock will not tremble under me."

(photo by Jake Dobkin)

121

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved; 

he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;

he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep your going out and coming in

from this time forth and forevermore.

- Psalm 121 -