Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The end of an era

"... a still small voice." 1 Kings 19.12

Yesterday i was told by my University Tutor that they don't want me to do the placements for my course because they are still concerned about my seizures and that i might frighten a client. I understand where they are coming from. The last thing i would want to do is freak someone out and put them in an unfair position of helping me when i am meant to be helping them. If i can't do my placements then i can't actually pass the course, so basically i'm not able to do Speech Therapy anymore. I am happy with this decision. I think in my heart i was coming to the same conclusion. I don't think i would have been able to cope with the work levels next term as i have struggled enough this term with just one module. The reality is that my brain just doesn't work the same as it ever used to and that's just the way it is.

To be honest, ever since i started my degree i have debated whether it's the right course for me. It's been on a lot of my prayer lists since i first started in 2002 - 6 years ago! That was even before i was ill! For some reason i have persisted with it. I don't know if that was right or not, but i believe it has still all been a valuable experience. The thing which strikes me now is that i can't help but think that it was that still small voice of God whispering to me all these years and i've just been very slow at hearing for sure.

I feel peaceful about it now though. I feel like an era is over and that it's right. I just feel it in my heart in a gentle way. Like it is His still small voice speaking to me now. I don't know what i'm going to do with my future, but i will trust that to Him.

I've been thinking about decision making a lot recently. There are lot of good examples in the Bible. I read an interesting article about how Joseph responded when he found out that Mary was pregnant. He decided to end his engagement as quietly as possible to avoid shame for Mary. Jon Bloom writes that Joseph "made the best decision regarding Mary that he could. It turned out to be the wrong one. But God, full of mercy, intervened. He gently corrected Joseph and gave him the guidance he needed." Although this example is about an extremely significant event i guess the principle is still the same for us -  that if we make decisions with integrity of heart, trusting God, and as best as we can, then if we are wrong, we can still trust God to intervene and lead us the right way.

I'm glad that i can trust God with my life, that i can trust Him to guide me, to whisper to me and to intervene when necessary.  He is my Shepherd and i guess guiding and protecting sheep on rough terrain or  on soft fields, on hills or valleys, is something that Shepherds are very good at.

1 comment:

Liz Zelie said...

I'm glad that you can trust God with your life. And that I can trust him with mine. What you wrote is so true. I know that my 2 years in Portland wasn't nearly as long as the time you've spent on your studies and praying to get better but I do know that I felt similar - that the experience was awful but not useless. We learn a lot more about God and ourselves when we don't get the end results we initially expected. I am so in awe of you, Becky. Will I see you in July?