::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

...and joy broke through... 

     ...two parted lips, bearing the resemblance of a grin...

               ...so abruptly...like awaking in a whole new skin....

             ...and my heart :::::::::: it couldn't help but dance a little

                                              it couldn't help but sing.

 (photo: source unknown.)

Shall flow like rivers..

My Lord, what love is this that pays so dearly

That i the guilty one, may go free

Amazing love, oh what sacrifice

The Son of God given for me

My debt He pays and my death He dies

That i might live, that i might live.

And so they watched Him die

Despised, rejected, but

Oh the blood He shed flowed for me.

And now this love of Christ

Shall flow like rivers

Come wash your guilt away, live again.

- Song lyrics by Graham Kendrick -

Fairy tales and dragons

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - G.K.Chesterton

So....

It appears that i miss people something chronic... right now i'd be prepared to move virtually anywhere to rectify this....

My love

I saw the sky; like honey and molasses dripping from a wooden spoon. Like an eager artist, throwing paint wherever he please. A mischievous boy with his first waterpistol. But really it just reminded me of You. Every splash of water refreshed me like You do. Every streak of light flooded my heart like Your words do. Every wayward cloud shimmered, throwing my thoughts into oblivion - just like You. That sky, my love, proclaimed Your name.

"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork" - Psalm 19.1

3am

It's 3am. I'd like to be asleep. But sleep has not arrived. I wonder, is there still a dawn chorus in winter? I don't hear it in the winter, but maybe it's just quieter? I like how you hear the birds singing when it's still dark in Spring. I think i've said this before. Maybe i will try and sing myself to sleep. Goodnight. 

Strangers

I am indecisive - maybe that makes me fickle too, i don't know. I write posts, then delete them, cos i can't decide if i agree with what i wrote, or if it's what i even think, or if it's right. I mess around designing headers or making things, then decide i hate them. I come up with ideas, like photo projects, then quit after a few days. I say i want to do certain things, or live certain ways, and i truly mean it when i say it, i just rarely keep to it. I'm thinking, this makes me fickle, or something similar... or maybe that's just what humans are like. Anyway, I gave up on my previous photo projects - not on photography completely, i do still like photos, i just didn't like the rigid nature of making myself take a photo everyday. However, i have decided i really do want to try and meet and photograph strangers more - mainly cos i think it's a good way to get chatting to strangers.... and i love chatting to strangers. I also just saw some photos by a guy called Benoit Paillé and found them very inspiring. He takes a lot of pictures of complete strangers - i think they are powerfully emotive - the ones included in this post are by him, although i couldn't bring myself to post any of the more emotive ones, cos they had such a sad feel to them.

Who was and is and is to come..

"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty" - Rev 1.8

A real thing

You are so very old, your face so scarred, wearing the marks of leprosy, so disfigured from years of disease....  but that doesn't hide the beauty that emanates from your eyes.... i've not seen such haunting beauty for a long time......  those eyes of yours pierce to my soul and carry such gentleness and emotion than i can't put it into words....  i can't imagine what pain you've known, or what stories you could tell...... you look so sad and it just weighs me down, yet it makes me see what a shallow fool i've been.... i think, if you'd let me spend a day with you, then i'd be the one to change...... i can't look at you without re-evaluating my whole world view.... i can't gaze into your haunting eyes without wanting to just love you..... i don't even know you, but your face speaks and i hear..... and i'd like to spend my life with people like you..... not because i think i have much to offer you (though i wish i did), poor and sick though you may be, but i think you have much to offer me....... you make me love and all my heartless stupid thoughts fade away..... if only it could stay that way...... you break my heart and mend it in one joint go..... don't think i just value you for the way you challenge my thoughts though.... you make something altogether different happen, you make me want to love you just for you, and for His sake... and i know that love can't come from me, my love is poor and shallow and not love at all.... but it's like you make His love come alive in me and give me eyes to really see. Thank you. Though i see your face only in a picture and i know you'll never read this, though i only feel love and can't actually show it to you, still thank you. 

The only sad thing is, as quickly as his face breathes life and love into me, that fades when i look away because i am quick to forget. But maybe that's because love is a real, not abstract thing. Maybe that's because it's only possible to love individuals in a real way... not just in your mind... so there has to be a situation for it to flow through. Maybe this is why it's so hard to live as a hermit. To say you love certain types of people, for example, is in some ways just an abstract idea.... love isn't just an abstract idea.... love isn't a concept...  love is God.... and God works in a literal and real way, through relationships and individuals..... i guess love responds to specific situations as and when it is presented with them... and you can only love in each moment so much as you let Him, who is love, live in you in that moment, and love through you. And it says that God is near to the lowly and the humble in heart... that He resides with the broken... that when you see someone who is sick or in need and help them, then you are really helping Him... so maybe that's why i see Jesus more in those who are so poor and weak, than in those that appear strong.... maybe that's why this broken old man makes the love of Jesus come alive in me... because Jesus loves to reside with men like him.

(N.B. I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago, but i didn't publish it, because it was more just my spontaneous thoughts in that moment & i know it sounds a little silly, cos i addressed it to a man in a photo... i don't know why i'm posting it now, except i have nothing new to write at the moment....)

We wait in hope...

Photo by Nina Hartmann

In the rocks

"The conies are but a feeble folk, yet they make their houses in the rocks." - Proverbs 30.26

"Conscious of their own natural defencelessness, the conies resort to burrows in the rocks, and are secure from their enemies.... Thou art as weak and as exposed to peril as the timid cony, be as wise to seek a shelter..... In Jesus the weak are strong, and the defenceless safe; they could not be more strong if they were giants, or more safe if they were in heaven. Faith gives to men on earth the protection of the God of heaven. More they cannot need, and need not wish. The conies cannot build a castle, but they will avail themselves of what is there already; I cannot make myself a refuge, but Jesus has provided it..." - Spurgeon

Two

I collapsed and had 2 small seizures at the train station earlier, but it could have been a lot worse, i'm ok now, just tired, so i'm thankful really & think i'll just forget about them.

The Kite Runner

"....but better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie." 

- Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

And i'm thankful.

I'm thankful that God is a God of hope... that He is faithful, eternal, steadfast, unchanging, and utterly beautiful... that He is true to His word and faithful to His promises... That He promises not to break a bruised reed or snuff out a smouldering wick, but instead He is a God of restoration who says He will make all things new. I'm thankful that He gives life to what was dead and raises up even dry bones in valleys. That He turns them into living armies, and makes deserts rejoice, wilderness' spring with water, and barren lives bare fruit. That He speaks something into being with a single word and is a God of miracles, imparting life and light where there was only despair. I'm thankful that one day we will see Him with our very own eyes, in all His beauty and Kingly majesty. That we will gaze upon Him and be totally satisified. That we will see the Lamb that was slain and the wounds that He bore so we could be free. I'm thankful that such a King would walk on Earth in humility and grace and endure whipping and beating and mocking and death, for us. I'm looking forward to the day when we will join with multitudes in praising Him for eternity, when every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord, when we will unite in declaring how worthy and Holy and undeniably beautiful He is. 

That kinda sad feeling....

You know when you've had one thing happening after another, and it keeps you kinda busy and focussed, in a good way?..... and then it all finishes and you suddenly realise that it seems like there is nothing ahead of you..... nothing at all.... and you feel kinda sad and lost and lonely.... well i guess that's kinda how i feel today.... but i do feel strangely peaceful too... it's that kinda sad feeling which is actually ok.... the kinda sadness which makes you seek and find refuge in God.....

....

Photo by Sarah Lownes

For the joy set before Him....

"What joy fills my heart,  as i look upon you my people. I stand before this throne, of my Father, and i present to Him, the scars of the names on your behalf, and i long for that day, when you will see my face, and i long, i long for that day, when i will show you, the glories of this creation and all i have made.... oh draw near and you will see, and you will hear, all of heaven looking towards that day, and deep will come and i will come back for you.... and you will see my face, and you will see my face..... Rejoice with me, oh my people, oh my beloved ones, how i love you..... oh, you're mine...." - Rhys Scott

I have a lot of sleepless nights these days.... they are strange times when i switch between feeling intensely frustrated and oppressed, to remembering Bible verses and songs and feeling encouraged.... Last night, after having laid there for a few hours i listened to the above song... it was a spontaneous, prophetic song that i had a copy of on c.d..... and as i listened to it i was amazed again that God actually feels joy over His people..... it seems so illogical, when His people are often so messed up and far from Him..... really there is little to rejoice about in them..... but what struck me was the image of God being a bit like an excited kid with a present.... what i mean is, maybe the joy God feels is a bit like the kind of joy you feel when you've got a present or a surprise for someone which you know they will like... maybe God looks at us, in all our mess, and feels excitement and joy, not because there is good in us now, but because He knows what we will be like one day... because He knows Jesus has brought us and made us His... because He knows one day we will see Him face to face and live in freedom from all our problems on Earth.... maybe because His hope is so pure and untainted, because He knows for certain how things will turn out, He looks at everything on Earth through eyes which see things not just as they are now, but as they will be.... when they are all made new.... and maybe, like a little kid who is bursting with excitement at the thought of giving a present to someone, He bursts with excitement as He knows how beautiful everything will turn out in the end..... I kinda like thinking about God like that..... I mean, it must be so strange to be God, as He must be utterly grieved by the sin and brokeness on earth, but at the very same time, He feels joy over how things will be..... anyway, what made God's joy seem more beautiful to me, was the realisation that it is joy which stems completely out of love..... out of a heart that is so pure in it's desires that it looks at broken, sinful people, and rejoices because He knows He has the answer, because He knows He has the perfect plan and perfect remedy for every situation... because He knows how everything fits together and will work out in the end... even when it just looks a mess to us.... so, even before we have received all He has to give us, He rejoices at the hope of what's to come... 

Sanchez

Illustrations by Jennifer Sanchez. Simply because I like them.

Walking drunkenly...

"Attack me, i do this myself, but attack me rather than the path i follow and which i point out to anyone who asks me where i think it lies. If i know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because i am staggering from side to side? If it is not the right way, then show me another way; but if i stagger and lose the way, you must help me, you must keep me on the true path, just as i am ready to support you. Do not mislead me, do not be glad that i have got lost, do not shout out joyfully: "Look at him! He said he was going home, but there he is crawling into a bog!" No, do not gloat, but give me your help and support." - Leo Tolstoy

.....I think Tolstoy makes a very valid point here....  at the end of the day we are all just stumbling along, making mistakes... although it would be great if you could really look at Christians and see lives that truly reflect the nature of Jesus, if you really saw people who lived up to his commandments, at best what you see isn't that at all, but just people who consistently fail and sin and mess up, yet trust in the unconditionality of God's love and mercy and grace... I'm not saying that we shouldn't seek to be more like Jesus... i think we should... i'm simply saying that the fact that we fail and walk drunkenly doesn't make the One we seek to follow any less beautiful, or any less true. If anything, it just magnifies the fact that He is so amazingly gracious to bare with us when we are so utterly undeserving of it. However, i do still echo Tolstoy's cry and don't want to be content with walking drunkenly.... i would rather be led back on the right way when i stumble into a bog..... and i would rather help lead others back on the right way, when they stumble, and not judge. I know i owe a lot to those who have helped me, rather than judged me, when i've fallen.... and i am grateful for the glimpse of God's patient heart that this has given me.

I weep for you now

The fool in his heart says "there is no God / and he will not find me out / There's no right, no wrong, no truth anymore / No anchor for the soul." / Pride is the hand that strokes the cat's back / They say "there's nothing you can prove. / We live our lives like gamblers taking chances / We have the right to choose." / The great day of the Lord is near and coming soon / He'll come like a thief in the night / There'll be people getting married, laughing, singing, having a good time / Just getting on with life. / Then suddenly every eye will see Him coming / With all His angels in the sky. / He'll sweep away every cause of evil from the face of the earth / There'll be nowhere left to hide. / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you. / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you. / No eye has seen, no ear has heard, nor has the heart conceived / All the things God has prepared for them that love Him. / It's way beyond their wildest dreams / There's no death, no mourning, no crying, no pain / He'll wipe every tear from their eyes / They will see His face and all their questions will be answered / There will be no sense of time. / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you / The fires of hell were made for the devil and his angels / And those who choose to go / There's no light, no joy, no sound of laughter there / No music to soothe the soul / Only the sound of weeping and crying, grinding of teeth / Over how things could've been / Consumed by the flames of remorse and regret / They'll be outside looking in / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you / The wedding feast of the Lamb has come, and His bride is ready / She's beautiful to see / She's dressed in fine linen, spotless, clean and bright / Showing all her righteous deeds. / There's music and laughter, singing and dancing, great celebrations / As they enter through the door / And like all true lovers who long to be together / They will forever more. / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you / I weep for you now, for what's coming upon you.

- Song lyrics by Bryn Haworth - 

Coloured Clouds

(via autumnbird)

...and maybe the clouds will be coloured and everything will be alright.... and when it rains it might sparkle, like snowflakes in sunlight.... and maybe the seas will be calmed even though the storms rage on..... and maybe the sky will come alive, painting songs for my eyes..... and maybe all this wind will blow my sails to a new and better shore..... and maybe hope will be restored, as coloured crayons sketch away the grey...... 

Strange Observation

I have noticed that when i look at things...  anything.... photos, drawings, nature, life, people.... i almost subconciously turn what i see into a prayer, it happens before i even realise it.... or i read some deeper meaning into it and let it prompt a stream of thought or somehow speak to me.... sometimes i write these streams of conciousness on here..... but they are simply that, streams of spontaneous thought, and never me trying to write something in a certain way. Anyway, i seem to spend my life like this.... making analogies out of the simplest things... it's like i think through the visual, as much as words.....  like a feather on the ground is never just a feather on the ground to me.... and a coloured picture is far more than what the natural eyes see.... or a broken door isn't just a bit of rotten wood, it bares the traces of all the lives that have entered in or out of it..... most of the time though, i don't even attach words or concious thoughts to what i see, but i know that somehow it's come alive in me and transformed itself into some kind of deep mystery....... i wonder, is this strange?.....  or is this just one of the reasons we were given eyes to see?...  

I guess everyone sees things differently.... through the filter of their own hearts and minds and experiences...... i guess that makes life open to misinterpretation... but i also guess it means that things that are just inanimate on their own, come alive uniquely to each person who sees them..... i kinda like this and take it to be a good thing.... maybe it's how God uses everyday life to speak to us. 

Then shall...

"Then shall... the tongue of the dumb sing for joy." - Isaiah 35.6

At 3am, when i couldn't sleep again, i was thinking about this verse. You know, it actually makes my heart come alive and fills my face with the biggest smile and my eyes with joyful tears..... i think it's such a beautiful promise. Imagine every person who has never been able to utter a word, just bursting out in song...quite simply i love it. 

I'll wander...

...if wandering would take me anywhere.... 

Photo by Nathaniel.

What words are these?

He said "touch me and see." To a doubting boy, He gave His flesh, and simply said "put out your hand - touch, and see." What words are these that reach a doubting man's deepest need? What words are these that command our every breath? Speak life to what was death. Form man from dust, all that is seen created by the lyrics flowing from His lips. 

Words that set the leper free, from both disease and social scorn. "I will, be clean" He said, and reached His hand to touch the untouchable reject. Words that make a mute man talk, a blind man see, a lame man walk, a demon flee. And to a little girl, who sleeps in death, He speaks just like she's His sweet child: "Little girl, i say to you, arise." Such tender words restore her life. To the lady satan bound for 18 long years, He says: "Woman, you are freed.." His words meet people in their needs. 

What words are these that speak hope to a grieving Mother; her child hanging on a tree: "Woman, behold your Son!" As His body was torn, He thinks not of Himself, but His Mother's loss instead. He cries "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do", such mercy flows to those who nailed Him to His death. And to a common thief He says: "Today, you will be with me in Paradise." All this, whilst dying in agony on a cross, forsaken by His Father, baring the weight of sin and shame. Who else speaks like this? And then 3 final words that rip through every darkened night: "It is finished." Complete. Done. Forever more. He stripped the mocker of his game and conquered death; raised back to life He will always reign.

These words that flow like honey-dew, taste sweet and pure and cleanse my lips. Yet sharp as glass and full of strength, they'll pierce right though a heart of stone. They come alive in paradox, yet tolerate nothing false. These words that part the sheep from goats, that look through eyes and read the soul, that label frauds as white-washed tombs, yet beckon sinners to come home. They see straight through the words we speak, and answer hearts not simply lips.

Such words as these that speak the truth, and never fear to challenge man: "If your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away."....."If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to Him the other also."...."Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."...."As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.".... "Forgive your brother from your heart.".... "Let He who is without sin, cast the first stone.".... and to that woman, who knew her sin "neither do i condemn you, go and from now on sin no more."

What words are these that claim deity: "Before Abraham was born, I AM." That prove He was a King, yet still He bowed in humble submission: "Not My will, but Yours be done." So full of love and rich with heart: "How often would i have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, but you would not." He says it as it is. 

Words that rebuke winds and calm the sea: "Peace: Be still." That comfort man in all His fear: "It is I, do not be afraid.".... "Take heart, I have overcome the World." And promise "nothing will be impossible" with so much as a grain of faith. Words that impart hope to the most parched and shrivelled soul: "If anyone thirts, let him come to me and drink.".... and speak of love that is so deep: "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends."

And still He called Judas His "friend." The man betrayed Him. It does not change what Jesus said. And when accused, He spoke not a word in His own defence. 

So, words are fickle? Half-pretense? Maybe ours, but no, not His. I am in love with His. They are more beautiful than any others i've heard upon this Earth. Though i forget with ease, and disobey too much, underneath it all i know such words as these i can't ignore. They're mercy to my burdened heart and peace that cuts through confused thought. Such words as these make me cry: 'Speak Lord, into my soul.... Your words alone are what i seek....You are the word become flesh.... The sum of all Your words is You: This God-man, this beauty, this servant-King.'

Worth Living

"Before God there is no life not worth living, for life itself is deemed by God to have value. The fact that God is the creator, sustainer, and redeemer of life makes even the most miserable life worth living before God. Poor Lazarus, who, covered with sores, lay at the gate of the rich man while dogs licked his sores, that man without any social value, that victim of those who judge life according to its usefulness, is considered by God to be worthy of eternal life." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I love this God, who turns the World upside down. Who says to the weakest, most useless beings, that they can spend eternity with Him, just because it pleases Him to show such mercy. The God who doesn't judge like the World judges... who doesn't measure people by success and failure, social standing, or how much or little they do or achieve. He makes faith the measure of self. And simply looking to Him, is worth more than every other activity that can be played out on Earth. This is the God that i love.

Glimpses

Photo by Kristin Manson

"The mind is the window of the heart. If we let our minds dwell on the dark, the heart will feel dark. If we open the window of our mind to the light, the heart will feel the light." - John Piper

I changed my blog title, in order to remind myself of the initial reason i started this: to encourage myself to focus on "whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious...." (Phil 4.18)  Sometimes this seems easier said that done, it's like our minds take on a life of their own and it can be hard to reign them in. At least that's what i find. At times i know my mind dwells a long way from the light, but despite that, i do have to thank God for the glimpses of light that He gives me. One day we will be fully saturated in light.... and i'm aching for that day... to be honest, i'd like to be saturated in light right now, but i will settle for glimpses, although i hope that those glimpses become deeper and richer and brighter each day.... glimpses that cause all darkness to flee. He does say that "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer 29.13) and i know that is true. So, whilst i praise Him for glimpses of light... i will seek Him for floods...

Good or Bad?

I wrote this post a while back, but never published it. For a long time i have been debating how much photography and art can be used for real worthwhile good. This may sound surprising considering the nature of most of my blog. Anyway, the recent photography projects that i started have caused me to think about it again, and i think i'm actually going to stop taking photos. For a hundred and ten reasons.

One thing which profoundly affected my view on photography, and was the reason i refused to take a single photo for at least 2 or 3 years, was an article i read about a hill-tribe in Laos a number of years ago. They are called the Hmong people and are pictured above. They fought on the side of America in the Vietnam war and consequently ended up fighting against their own government. When the war was over they had to go in to hiding in the jungles because their own government started hunting them. At the time they expected America to help them, but America didn't; they were left in poor, basic conditions, always on the run.

The reason this relates to photography is because in order to write the article, some BBC journalists searched for the Hmong tribe, to photograph and find out about them. When they approached the tribe it was the first time the people had seen Westerners in 25 years. The tribe broke down and wept. They thought that the Westerners had finally come back to help them, to 'save' them and they wept tears of relief. Instead of 'saving' them from their terrible circumstances, the Westerners took photos of them and simply left them there.

I can't describe how upset and angry this makes me. Even now it makes me cry every time i think about it. It made me desperately never want to be someone who just takes photos and 'records' things, or even writes about things, but doesn't actually do something to help in a situation too. I know, in a sense, this is what i am doing even now, i am just 'writing' about it - i am being a hypocrite.

I remember around that time i watched a film too, in which there was a tidal wave which was sweeping over the earth. As the wave approached, there were people filming and trying to take photos, whilst people next to them were drowning. Although it was just a film, i felt like shouting 'You idiots, just help save the people, stop filming it.' 

I know things aren't black and white. I know photos can be used powerfully to inform and show people things they'd have never of otherwise seen. Ironically, i even know that if the photos of the Hmong tribe had never been taken, i would never have seen the expressions on their faces and never realised how deeply they wanted to be helped... ironically it is the photos themselves that made me feel upset and made me care for this tribe i've never met. However, despite the 'emotional affect' such photos can have on people, still how much does this really stem into good? How many thousands of photos have i seen and yet how little have i done in response to them? Do they really have any power?

I know that photos and art can be used for good. I would be ignorant to suggest otherwise. In what i've written i'm really not judging any artists or photographers, this is simply something i've been considering on a personal level. Who am i to know what is right for someone else?

The thing is, most things can be used positively and negatively.... a knife can be used to kill, or it can be used by a surgeon in an operation to heal..... I suppose what matters is the heart of the person doing it and their reasons.... and also getting the right balance between 'recording' things and actually helping.

I still feel none the wiser though. And still feel that, for me, taking photos right now is probably a waste of time. If i take photos of strangers i meet, but do nothing to help love them or serve them, then i am no different to the journalists who photographed the Hmong tribe. I don't want to be like that. I feel pretty much the same about writing too... even this post is stressing me out, i'm just rambling....