..of magic and mystery..

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name.... That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still." 

- Frederick Buechner 

wild grace

I was out at the park yesterday admiring the daises that have appeared in little clusters all over the grass. I think there's something about wild flowers that those grown neatly in a row lack. They display a kind of freedom and different sort of beauty to those arranged and planted exactly by a gardner. When i thought about it more i decided that they demonstrate a kind of grace. If someone works hard and digs the soil and plants seeds in an orderly way, then you expect a flower to grow there. But when flowers appear in places in the wild, where no-one has specifically gone out and planted them and watered them, then it's like they appear by grace..... as a gift from God. Obviously the life in any flower is a gift, and even if someone plants a seed and waters it, they can't make it grow, that still comes from God. But those in the wild somehow seem like even more of a gift i think. It's like the goodness and joy of God can't help but burst up all over the place, whether or not a gardner planted seeds there. I like that. Maybe that's why i like the simple beauty of wild flowers and gardens and woods so much.

milk sky

More polaroid photos by Nanako Koyama. I love her style and the photos she takes. I've recently decided that i really love polaroid cameras too, which is a bit stupid considering they are about to stop making them. 

flowers for you

"And when the sap in me doth fail

And natural vigor of my youth, 

Then may Thy life in me prevail, 

That i may still show forth in truth 

By flower and fruit on this my tree, 

How good my Gardener is to me."

- Amy Carmichael -

- Polaroid photo by Japanese photographer  Nanako Koyama. -

A miracle

About 5 years ago i reached a point of despair and anguish.... the worst i've ever experienced.... i don't know why it got so bad, but it did. I was just overwhelmed by life. Originally i wrote more about this, but i don't think it's necessary to include that anymore, words can't really explain it accurately.... all i need to say is that i needed God's help badly.

At the beginning of 2004 i experienced what i can only describe as a miracle. One day i woke up and just felt so much more free and felt fresh joy again. I remember i wanted to sing with happiness all morning. And from then on i gradually just felt a sense of relief. I don't know quite how it happened, but my head felt clear again and i felt like the burden and pain was gradually lifted. I stopped feeling so overwhelmed and felt new hope again. The physical problems i was having also eased. And the biggest change was probably in my mind. I remember i fully felt at peace in trusting God's sovereignty and realised again that it truely all is about HIS glory, and therefore He knows how to work all things out to that end and i just have to trust Him, even with the salvation of my friends and family. My whole mindset was changed and somehow i was able to trust God in a new way. It might not sound like a miracle, but the crucial thing was that i had nothing to do with this new change. I had reached a point of desperation and was unable to help myself in any way. It was so clearly God who broke into my heart and mind and helped me. It was the biggest miracle i have known since my salvation.

For about the next 9 months i experienced new hope and joy nearly every day. I knew such beautiful freedom and genuine joy that following summer, it was incredible. I would go to the park and dance and sing and i'd wake up every morning truly excited about spending time with God and about life. God gave me hope again and humbled me greatly.

The next thing that happened, whilst i still was in this great period of freedom, was that my epilepsy started. I think that the only way i was able to deal with my epilepsy was because God had already broken me and taught me to trust the goodness of His sovereignty the previous year. I could truely trust Him with my epilepsy and felt little fear over it..... i knew that somehow God would work it out for His glory, and that was what mattered.... it wasn't about me, but about Him and His honour and glory and praise.

For some reason i felt that it was right for me to share this on my blog. Perhaps it is the most open i've been yet. But i wanted to thank God for the miracle He did in me and testify to it. When i remember this i feel again that anything is possible with God. I know too that my parents prayed alot for me during that time and it encourages me that prayer has so much power. I want to praise God for helping me those years ago and for His continual help now. It really was a miracle.

How great are You Lord

How great are You Lord

How great is Your mercy

How great are the things

That You have done for me

How great are You Lord

Your loving kindness

Is filling my heart as i sing

How great are You Lord

How great is Your love

It reaches to the heavens

How great is the heart

That sought and rescued me.

(by Lynn DeShazo)

I shall be satisfied

"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh i will see God." - Job 19:25-26

I love this verse. I love this promise. That in my flesh i will see God. That i will gaze at His beauty and look into His eyes. That in the end He will stand upon the earth. Victorious. As the King. That all will bow before Him and He alone will be exalted. I long for the day i see Him face to face. This hope feeds my soul. This hope keeps me alive. This hope brings me alive. I know that my Redeemer lives and i shall be satisfied with seeing Him.

Blue Summer

My birthday cards from my parents.

Images by Lauren Bishop.

The plate

I promised Maddy i would put a photo of her plate on my blog, simply because i like the design of it and enjoyed my orange that morning. So here it is! - Not the best of photos, but it will remind me of the lovely weekend i had with all the girls in Worthing. It was a joy to spend time with them.

I have decided...

I have decided that....

1. I'm still as bad at decision making as i ever was.

2. I'm going to train myself to be decisive. If that's possible.

3. I need to get out and about more. I feel so much more alive when i leave the house, even just for a walk.

4. I'm going to finish my speech and language therapy degree, if i'm able to.

5. I need to sort out how to spend my time more efficiently.

6. I really do need to come off my drugs. Not because i want to be rebellious or stupid or have some notion that i can manage without, but simply because of the side-effects and the way i know they are affecting me for the worse. I know nobody will agree with me on this one, so i probably won't be able to yet, but i look forward to the day when i can.

7. I am so grateful for the support and love of my friends and family and God. I am nothing on my own. This isn't a new decision, it's not even a decision, it's just a fact that i was thinking about again.

..the extent of my deviation...

“The test of observance of external religious teachings is whether or not our conduct conforms with their decrees, such conformity is indeed possible. The test of observance of Christ's teachings is our consciousness of our failure to attain an ideal perfection. The degree to which we draw near this perfection cannot be seen, all we can see is the extent of our deviation.” - Lee Tolsty

The Puzzle!

And so my  puzzle is now complete! The combined work of Liz, Debs, Lucy, Kirsty, Jeni and Maddy. I hope they don't mind me putting it on here, but i've loved receiving it in it's little stages. It was a genius idea and of much encouragement.

... A quarter of a Century...

"The slopes behind the woods were misty with bluebells, and through the thin veil of young green i caught a glint of kingcups. I was so happy it almost hurt....."  

I love the above quote. It's from the Tanglewoods' Secret, by Patricia St. John. And although the picture i've included doesn't quite match, i don't mind, because i love the picture too... and it's of poppies, in a misty field, so it's kinda similar! My Mum took it. It's my 25th birthday today. Theoretically i'm actually still 24 because i was born at 4:25 in the afternoon..... but in 25 minutes time i truely will be 25. Strange. I still feel like a kid. That quote is from a children's book too and i feel most happy when i'm around kids. On Monday a lady from my church invited me to spend the afternoon with her and her children and my dog.... we went to a nearby reservoir and i have to say that it was so refreshing and fun. My dog behaved amazingly well too, which was a relief. I don't know what it is about children that makes me love them so much, but i do. Anyway, i'm 25 now, so i can't pretend to be a child myself for much longer!

At the weekend i saw my old housemate Jen, it was a complete joy to spend time with her and she gave me some beautiful irises and roses .. i wanted to put a photo of them on here but my camera is not co-operating! The photo below is of a card that my other old housemate, also called Jen, gave me for my birthday. I love it. It's by an artist named Jenny Frean:

Today, more than anything else, i want to thank God for giving me 25 years of life so far. What a privelege to be alive. What a privelege to belong to Jesus.

"Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is with in me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisifies you with good, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." - Psalm 103