Sunday, June 05, 2011

To the praise of His glorious grace

It's exactly two years since i took my last daily anti-convulsant drugs. I was taking over 20 pills a day, to no avail, as i was still having regular seizures. I felt God tell me to come off my medication and to trust Him with my health, so i did. The drug withdrawal was horrific.. it was so unbearable that aside from God's grace i have no idea how i got through it. My parents still say that they were the worst weeks of their life. As i recall it now, i am amazed and utterly grateful that God graciously got me through it; so amazed that i want to burst with joyful thankfulness.

The two years that followed turned out so different to how i originally hoped. I hoped my seizures would cease, and they did stop for a while, but then they came back, and i've had regular seizures since. Also, the effect of being on such strong sedative drugs and then coming off them left me with bad insomnia which lasted the whole 2 years. Suffice to say, the last few years haven't felt easy. I was weak and frail in the midst of it and i often struggled to know how to wait patiently for God. And I didn't always act in ways that honoured Him.

However, i have recently started sleeping again and have also had renewed levels of energy. And for the first time since stopping my medication i've started to feel the effect of not being sedated or sleep-deprived... and it's been incredible.. I am so grateful for this simple blessing of sleep and more energy.. i may not be like a 'normal' person yet... I am still having seizures & I'm not yet fully healed... but i am so overwhelmingly grateful just to have the gift of life... so grateful i could burst with joy.

I want to testify to God's goodness and sustaining grace. I am SO glad that He got me through these last 2 years... and all the years before. In His Sovereignty He chose to let me go through what felt like a fire. Rather than putting the fire out instantly, He walked through it with me. And for that, i am utterly grateful. It is the sweetest thing to have the King walk with you in the midst of a battle. I admit that sometimes i got so absorbed in the battle that i forgot He was holding my hand and fighting for me, but it is still a beautiful thing to remember and know that He was always with me.

I also want to say that i have realised that it is completely and totally true that the deepest and most satisfying joy we will ever find is in God alone - the sweetness of knowing Him is a thousand times sweeter than any other thing.. even good health, or a good job, or a nice spouse, or fancy future plans, or the approval of man, or earthly riches, or a list of your own achievements, or ANY other thing... whilst His gifts are great, it is still far SWEETER and far GREATER to know Him. I may not be healed yet, but i have a treasure that far surpasses this. I have Christ, and i am utterly grateful to be His. It is totally true that He is enough. May my life in this feeble, weak body be to the praise of His glorious grace... I praise Him for His glorious grace today.

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