Monday, April 26, 2010


Recently i've spent quite a bit of time in the fields near my house. And i realised today just how thankful i am that i can do this. When we moved up here, i prayed that God would give us a meadow for a back garden. I knew it was a selfish prayer, and i only said it in a half-joking way, but truly i believe God answered it and blessed us with an amazing meadow one minute from our house. There is field after field that you can walk through, and in the Summer they are proper meadows, scattered with all kinds of wild flowers and cows... and they are nearly always completely free of people.

Last Summer, when i was going through my drug withdrawal, i went for a walk in the meadow every evening and watched the sun set. For the first few weeks i didn't leave the house at all, and then i started to take short walks in the meadow as i began to get some strength back. I was still very weak, and the first few times we had to drive just to get to the entrance and then my Mum had to support me the whole time and hold me up. It's weird to remember this now; how i was shaking with every step and had to walk so slowly. I knew that i needed to start to leave the house and that meadow gradually gave me a bit of fresh air and a change of scenery when i was feeling so horribly anxious and ill... Admittedly i couldn't smell the fresh air, i was hallucinating through various senses, and smelt and tasted blood and fire (strange i know), but i knew i was in fresh air nonetheless. Honestly, i am so thankful that we had that meadow that Summer. And i'm still thankful that we have it. I love it at the moment, now that it's Spring time and the trees are full of blossom. Even though i may still spend my days in a generally unsure and confused state, when i go and walk in the empty fields then i do feel peaceful again. I know you can't live your life away from people though; as my sister always says "God didn't die for a field of buttercups" (or something similar) and she is right. But at the same time, i am incredibly grateful that God still created buttercups, even if it's just to make us smile and refresh us enough to spend the rest of our time with the people that God did die for... or even if it's just for those in between times, when being amongst people is more than we can cope with, like in my drug withdrawal..... or for when you need to be reminded of just how awesome and skillful God, our creator, is.

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