"There are some things about which nothing can be said and before which we dare not keep silent." - T.S.Eliot
I've written this post several times before but never published it. I felt uncomfortable exposing my heart and didn't think it appropriate for my blog. Today i am prepared to write it anyway.
A couple of months ago my friend took his own life. This month also marks the anniversary of when a friend of my housemate killed herself, whilst we were at university. And it's also 3 years since my other housemate's sister took her own life. So tragic and heart-breaking for everyone involved. I didn't know the girls well myself, but i was close to my housemates and still found it very hard to deal with. My friend who died recently was a Christian, although i hadn't seen him for a number of years. I still feel a silent sorrow. A sorrow that no words can really express. A sorrow i feel probably shouldn't even be put into words. I don't know why exactly i'm writing anything now, i'm still afraid to lest my feeble words minimise it.
I can't imagine what the families are going through. I confess that suicide is something i find so hard to come to terms with. A whole part of me wishes and longs that somehow God had interceeded. But i know too that there is nothing but perfect goodness in God and He has pure integrity in what He does and doesn't do, so although i can't for a moment understand it, i must humbly trust Him.
I guess i've been thinking too about how much tiny things can truely make a difference to someone's life. When somebody dies sometimes it puts things into perspective and it makes you feel like other little things just don't matter in light of it. But i was thinking how sometimes it also works the other way too - and makes you realise how incredibly important all the little things are. It's the little things that make up a life. It's the minutes and seconds in a day that corporately make a life what it is... every single second counts for something.... When someone is gone, you would give anything to just have one minute back with them... to just watch the t.v. with them... to just chat to them... to just do something 'little' with them. It is little things which do matter. Little things which make up our lives.
I sometimes think too, would it have made a difference to these three if someone had done something 'little' for them just before they died? if someone had phoned them? or if someone had said something encouraging? or been watching out for them? Could it have stopped them? I remember how my friend was clearly withdrawn and unhappy when i last saw him - could i have done something more? There must have been something more i could have done. I know i shouldn't speculate really - i think in these three cases they were truly ill and maybe nothing like this could have made a difference - no matter how many nice things people do, or how much love someone shows, it sometimes still just lacks power to heal or stop something happening.... even when we so desperately want it to help. However, in some cases those little things can make a massive difference and can have the power to change someone's day or week or life. Little things can have power if they are done in love and God works through them.
There are so many little things people have done that have meant so much to me. Why should it be so? I don't know. I can only say thank you. I long to be a person who does little things with much love. I think i often forget to.
"I don't do big things, i do little things with big love." - Mother Teressa
"... whatever is true, whatever is honourable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence,
if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things."