Heavy to light

I have a tendency to think WAY too much and as a result i sometimes write things that probably aren't helpful for others to read..... like Friday's post. I'm not sure that i have any regular readers anymore, but if you have read any of my intense posts, then i just wanted to say i'm sorry for the nature of them! Hopefully there will be some nice lighthearted things coming soon........

The summer sky

"To see the summer sky is poetry, though never in a book it lie - True poems flee." - Emily Dickinson

Lives that matter

"There are some things about which nothing can be said and before which we dare not keep silent." - T.S.Eliot

I've written this post several times before but never published it. I felt uncomfortable exposing my heart and didn't think it appropriate for my blog. Today i am prepared to write it anyway.

A couple of months ago my friend took his own life. This month also marks the anniversary of when a friend of my housemate killed herself, whilst we were at university. And it's also 3 years since my other housemate's sister took her own life. So tragic and heart-breaking for everyone involved. I didn't know the girls well myself, but i was close to my housemates and still found it very hard to deal with. My friend who died recently was a Christian, although i hadn't seen him for a number of years. I still feel a silent sorrow. A sorrow that no words can really express. A sorrow i feel probably shouldn't even be put into words. I don't know why exactly i'm writing anything now, i'm still afraid to lest my feeble words minimise it.

I can't imagine what the families are going through. I confess that suicide is something i find so hard to come to terms with. A whole part of me wishes and longs that somehow God had interceeded. But i know too that there is nothing but perfect goodness in God and He has pure integrity in what He does and doesn't do, so although i can't for a moment understand it, i must humbly trust Him.

I guess i've been thinking too about how much tiny things can truely make a difference to someone's life. When somebody dies sometimes it puts things into perspective and it makes you feel like other little things just don't matter in light of it. But i was thinking how sometimes it also works the other way too - and makes you realise how incredibly important all the little things are. It's the little things that make up a life. It's the minutes and seconds in a day that corporately make a life what it is... every single second counts for something.... When someone is gone, you would give anything to just have one minute back with them... to just watch the t.v. with them... to just chat to them... to just do something 'little' with them. It is little things which do matter. Little things which make up our lives. 

I sometimes think too, would it have made a difference to these three if someone had done something 'little' for them just before they died? if someone had phoned them? or if someone had said something encouraging? or been watching out for them? Could it have stopped them? I remember how my friend was clearly withdrawn and unhappy when i last saw him - could i have done something more? There must have been something more i could have done. I know i shouldn't speculate really - i think in these three cases they were truly ill and maybe nothing like this could have made a difference - no matter how many nice things people do, or how much love someone shows, it sometimes still just lacks power to heal or stop something happening.... even when we so desperately want it to help. However, in some cases those little things can make a massive difference and can have the power to change someone's day or week or life. Little things can have power if they are done in love and God works through them.

There are so many little things people have done that have meant so much to me. Why should it be so? I don't know. I can only say thank you. I long to be a person who does little things with much love. I think i often forget to.

"I don't do big things, i do little things with big love." - Mother Teressa

Balloon dreamer

(1. the dreamer in the beautiful mess, 2. play with ballon, 3. girl and sky, 4. Returning to the same ocean.)

-.... and when all the balloons burst and dreams dissolve into thin air, then just remember, He has not gone anywhere. The very best, the very greatest, can never be lost.... -

Street Mosaic

1. princess revisited, 2. street Calcutta, 3. Street scene,calcutta, 4. you buy flower from me?, 5. Working class, 6. Boy From Bluefields, 7. Hello Stranger, 8. Kofi's Portrait, Mali, 9. curious Calcutta

Over Moonless Seas

"And only heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight, over moonless seas." - Barbara Miller Macandrew 

"He is indeed enough. He is not all we would ask for (if we are honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless, that the Lord has become my light." - Elisabeth Elliot

The approaching light

Lately i've been having trouble sleeping, but i have to admit that there is something really lovely about being awake when the birds start singing, beckoning the morning in. Last night it was as early as 3.30am and by 4am there was a whole chorus outside my window. I love the fact that they start singing when it's still dark... they know what's approaching, they know the dawn is coming. With the very first glimmers of light, when the rest of the world is still asleep, they proclaim the arrival of a new day and sing with joy. They sing because they have the hope of a promise of another day. So even before they see it they can declare it, they can rejoice in it, they welcome it in. I think it's a fine example of faith. Hebrews 11.1 says "faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen".... and when you have that assurance i guess you can step out in faith, knowing you will receive what is promised. So today i shall take my lesson from the birds.... and as i hear the dawn calling in the distance, the voice of truth beckoning, i shall rejoice in all that is promised... rejoice that soon we will be gathered up into the approaching light and folded into the arms of that great morning.... when we will see our Saviour's face.

I will say

" I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' " - Psalm 91

(Photo by Gregory Smith)

Flats Fixed

(photo by Jake Dobkin)

...... i do love people's creativity.....

A hundred joyful grooves

Little laughing boy what makes you smile so? Your eyes all creased, with a hundred joyful grooves underlining each. You know you make me smile too. Your hopeful spirit shimmering through. What makes your heart so free? With ragged clothes and bare feet you run a different race to me. But you ain't shackled with the ways of the West. And I won't judge you to be worse off, for in your face i see the riches of eternity. Little laughing boy, come let me learn from your simplicity.

Sleepless night

And in the distance i hear the dawn calling, the song bird reaching out to draw me in, that i may be gathered up in the approaching light, folded into the arms of that great morning. Tender hands bare my weight, the voice of truth beckons me come, i've waited all my life, but now the time is nigh, very soon i'll see my Saviour's face...

Even If....

“...our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up..” Daniel 3.16-17

I want to live my life with that kind of heart attitude.......  with full confidence in God, full trust in Him, to live in a way which honors Him above all else..... but still, even if.. even if.... He doesn't act in a way i believe He will, then still my confidence is in Him.... still i love Him and trust Him.... even if  He doesn't do that which i expect Him to do or know He is able to do.

I recently read a biography about Dr. C. Everett Koop. His son fell to his death in a climbing accident. At the end of a book he wrote, he included the following bible verse:

" Now unto Him who is able to keep you from falling..." - Jude 24-25  

and then he included his own declaration of faith, in reference to his son:

"God was able, but in His sovereignty He chose not to."  

So.... even if.....

By His wounds...

Funny how the most heartbreaking sight can make you whole. That which wrenches your innermost being can also work healing. That which is so wrong, can be what makes everything right. A man being whipped so his back is torn to pieces. Beauty being pierced. Righteousness bleeding. A broken body weeping love. What would you see written in each lash? a wealth of secret sin? a deadly mix of sickness? how much would each one weigh? how much would it cut, right through the skin? how much could we bare if we were standing right there? would we see our own life engraved into His wounds? would we realise how much it would have hurt? the pain of sin and sickness - the weight of a dying world. A whole world. Would we see that as he was broken, as he patiently endured, we were being released. Not just from sin, but from sickness. Would we really see? That by His wounds, we are healed.  

Talitha Cumi

"Taking her by the hand he said to her, “Talitha cumi,” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise.” Mark 5.41

This is one of my favourite miracles. Maybe it's because i love the words Jesus uses. The gentleness that overflows from them. Just the phrase "Talitha cumi" seems beautiful to me and brings a sparkle to my eyes. He doesn't speak it in front of crowds, he goes to her bedroom with just her parents and 3 disciples; it is intimate. The girl has died. At least it seems that way, though Jesus says she is simply sleeping. It is a sleep that He alone can wake her from though, with those beautiful words that call into her depths, calling her to arise. I'm not going to over analyse this. The hows and whys don't matter. I just love what He did. And the fact that when she got up He told them to give her something to eat. He knew what was best for her, He knew what she needed. Though He had performed a miracle, He didn't then ignore her daily needs. 

Maybe i love this too because i imagine it's relevant to us all. I imagine that even daily, in ways we may not even see, He speaks into our hearts and calls us to rise up in His strength, calls us to wake up from the sleepiness we so easily fall into, calls us to step out in faith. Maybe He does it in much bigger ways too, like when He first calls us out of death into life, or through a tangible healing. And i guess too it will one day be relevant again when we awake in His presence. There is a song i have been listening to recently and it has a beautiful line in it which says "wake me when it's spring time in heaven, when the tears are all wiped from my face, wake me when it's spring time in heaven, and i'm strong enough to walk in that place."