LIttle girl Hile

Street art by izolag.

LIttle boy

Street art by izolag

The end of an era

"... a still small voice." 1 Kings 19.12

Yesterday i was told by my University Tutor that they don't want me to do the placements for my course because they are still concerned about my seizures and that i might frighten a client. I understand where they are coming from. The last thing i would want to do is freak someone out and put them in an unfair position of helping me when i am meant to be helping them. If i can't do my placements then i can't actually pass the course, so basically i'm not able to do Speech Therapy anymore. I am happy with this decision. I think in my heart i was coming to the same conclusion. I don't think i would have been able to cope with the work levels next term as i have struggled enough this term with just one module. The reality is that my brain just doesn't work the same as it ever used to and that's just the way it is.

To be honest, ever since i started my degree i have debated whether it's the right course for me. It's been on a lot of my prayer lists since i first started in 2002 - 6 years ago! That was even before i was ill! For some reason i have persisted with it. I don't know if that was right or not, but i believe it has still all been a valuable experience. The thing which strikes me now is that i can't help but think that it was that still small voice of God whispering to me all these years and i've just been very slow at hearing for sure.

I feel peaceful about it now though. I feel like an era is over and that it's right. I just feel it in my heart in a gentle way. Like it is His still small voice speaking to me now. I don't know what i'm going to do with my future, but i will trust that to Him.

I've been thinking about decision making a lot recently. There are lot of good examples in the Bible. I read an interesting article about how Joseph responded when he found out that Mary was pregnant. He decided to end his engagement as quietly as possible to avoid shame for Mary. Jon Bloom writes that Joseph "made the best decision regarding Mary that he could. It turned out to be the wrong one. But God, full of mercy, intervened. He gently corrected Joseph and gave him the guidance he needed." Although this example is about an extremely significant event i guess the principle is still the same for us -  that if we make decisions with integrity of heart, trusting God, and as best as we can, then if we are wrong, we can still trust God to intervene and lead us the right way.

I'm glad that i can trust God with my life, that i can trust Him to guide me, to whisper to me and to intervene when necessary.  He is my Shepherd and i guess guiding and protecting sheep on rough terrain or  on soft fields, on hills or valleys, is something that Shepherds are very good at.

Nevada

I love this photo by Nevada weir. There is so much character in the lady's face. Life is an amazing thing. God is an incredibly inventive and creative and intelligent creator.

Knowing not what

We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you. - 2 Chronicles 20:12

When bare is beautiful

I never knocked. I had a handful of excuses, but none of them were sufficient. The truth is i could have knocked on that battered door, but i didn't. The house round the corner from me has pulled at my heart every time i've passed it. It's garden was so overgrown it stood out like a sore thumb in the street. I've often wondered who lives there and as i pass it i feel a sadness overcome me. I've always imagined it belongs to an old man or lady, who sits there all alone. I don't know who really lives there, if anyone at all, but i've often thought i should knock and find out. Maybe try and sort their garden out for them. Maybe just see if they need any help. Maybe they might just want someone to sit with them. But i've never knocked. I've never helped them. I am ashamed of that. I'm ashamed of the countless times i've walked passed feeling that wave of sadness, a heaviness, a desire to reach out to them, yet never once did i let that turn into action, into real love. 

I walked past there again today to discover the garden was bare. All the tangled mess of plants had been routed up and the land looked new again. My heart actually skipped with relief, with joy. Someone cared. Or maybe it was just the owner. But to me that bare land was beautiful - it sung with hope. There seemed a possibility that something new could grow there now. I guess that's what it's often like with us. The old has to be broken down, rooted up, so that something new and good can grow there without being tangled up in our old mess. But it's not so much the land that really concerns me as the unknown story that is played out inside. The bungalows round here are full of older people. How many of them are alone? How many are just waiting? Waiting for someone to help them. For someone to care. For someone to love them. Maybe it's just my imagination, but somehow i'm sure it's true for at least some of them. They are yesterday's children, yesterday's heros, but today they are just forgotten treasures.      

Sao Paulo

"Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of Heaven." - Matt 19:14

Stencil art by French artist C215. Photos taken by Gregory Smith at the Hummingbird project in the favelas of Sao Paulo.

cheer my soul

"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." - Psalm 94:19

Jerusalem

Stencil art by C215. Photos taken in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv by Inspire.

I may tremble

"I may tremble on the Rock, but the Rock will not tremble under me."

(photo by Jake Dobkin)

121

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved; 

he who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;

he will keep your life.

The Lord will keep your going out and coming in

from this time forth and forevermore.

- Psalm 121 - 

..who daily bears us up..

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." - Deut 33.27

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe." - Proverbs 18:10

"Because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:7-8

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up" - Psalm 68:19

East of the City

I highly recommend the following blog, particularly for those with a heart of compassion for the young people of London - it covers sensitive issues and should only be read if you have a willingness for your heart to be broken - yet at the same time it offers a Godly and hopeful perspective to otherwise devastating situations. It is raw, honest and challenging - written from a heart that seems to be full of love: East of the City

For that cry is mercy

"Take us to the river, take us there in unity to sing, the song of your salvation, to win this generation for our King, the song of your forgiveness, for it is with grace that river flows, take us to the river in the city of our God.

Take us to your throne room, give us ears to hear the cry of heaven, for that cry is mercy, mercy to the fallen sons of men, mercy it has triumphed, triumphed over judgement by your blood, take us to the throne room in the city of our God.

Take us to the mountain, lift us in the shadow of your hand. Is this your mighty angel that stands astride the ocean and the land, for in his hands your mercy showers on a dry and barren place, take us to the mountain in the city of our God. "

(Robin Mark)

Contrasts

I am often struck with awe at the amazing diversity of life that God has created. The unique and fascinating people that cover this earth. Even in the midst of the mess we have made for ourselves, the rubbish around us which is only symbolic of the rubbish within us all... even in the midst of all that, there are glimmers of life, of purpose and hope, of softness and readiness to respond to God, of creativity and laughter. Glimmers of the grace God has sown.

I love these photos. The kids playing on the bike in front of an old building. And yes, it's an old crooked house with metal shutters on the front of it. But i like it. And who can tell what life goes on within it? 

The second photo is beautiful i think. I love the patterns. I love the contrasts - blue and white paint, black and white words. And the biggest contrast of all - the mother and child against such a wall. Love and tenderness juxtaposed where a muddle of words are scrawled. But it's real - a reflection of what are lives are like. Love came to us in the midst of our dirted world. A mother and child in a stable.......... that child as a man upon a cross. 

Tenderness so often seems to be pinned upon a bleak backdrop.

"Love suffers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - 1 Corinthians 13.7 

(photos by Jake Dobkin)

Soon....

"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; on either side of the river, the tree of life with it's twelve kinds of fruit, yielding it's fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His servants will worship Him. They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever." - Revelation 22

(Photo by Jake Dobkin)

A little update.

It's not that often that i use this blog as a place of update, so i thought i'd have a change. I've decided to try and and carry on with my degree this year, which means i will have my first lecture in a fortnight. I shouldn't really be due to return until February time, but because they have re-arranged the course since i was last there i have to do one module this term as well. It will just be one two hour lecture a week to begin with and then full-time next term. I'm still going to live at home and just commute in every week. Sheffield is about an hour and a half away on the train, so it's a reasonable distance, but i know i'm not ready to move yet. To be honest, the course only just let me return because i don't have any placements this term, and it's not guaranteed that i'll even be able to carry on when it gets to February because i have placements then and they want my seizures to be "abolished" in order for me to do them! But still, at least it's a little step forward even if nothing much comes of it.

In other news, i've started on another new anti-convulsant recently, so i'm presently taking three different ones... the newest one is having some negative side-effects so i'll probably have to come off that soon. My seizures have improved so much these days though and i haven't actually had any for a good number of weeks now. That in itself is amazing. I'm so grateful to everyone who's prayed for me over the last few years. Really i am.

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God." - Psalm 20:7 

(photos of stencil graffiti taken in Sheffield)

"Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in His holy habitation.

God settles the solitary in a home; and leads out the prisoners to prosperity," - Psalm 68.5-6

(Photos by Gregory Smith who founded CARF, the Children at Risk Foundation which works to help the street children of Brazil.)

To Him who rides through the deserts

"Sing to God, sing praises to His name; 

lift up a song to Him who rides

 through the deserts;

His name is the Lord;

exult before Him!"

Psalm 68.4

.....to Him who rides through the deserts.....i love that expression, that truth... that He rides through the deserts... through the dry land, the places which are parched and hot and barren and so in need of a river to flow through them.... and it goes on to say that when He "marched through the wilderness... the heavens poured down rain" and brought restoration. Sing Praises to Him.

spoken or unspoken

"... I try to find something wise and hopeful to say to them, only little by little coming to understand that the most precious thing i have to give them is not whatever words i find to say, but simply whatever, spoken or unspoken, i have in me of Christ, which is also the most precious thing they have to give me."  - Frederick Buechner

the river

...He will keep me till the river rolls it's waters at my feet,

Then at last He'll bring me over, saved by grace and made complete.

Yes, I'll sing the wondrous story of the Christ who died for me,

Sing it with the saints in glory, gathered by the crystal sea...

- Robin Mark -

Good old Jubilee

I just discovered Jubilee's website via Deb's reawakened blog and realised they now have downloads of their talks available. So i've just enjoyed listening to part of a series on Hebrews 11, my favourite book of Hebrews. It was encouraging. Good old Jubilee hey... 

Not what i will?

"Faith laughs at impossibilities and cries it shall be done." - Hudson Taylor

"Nevertheless not what I will, but what you will." - Jesus, Mark 14.36

I have these two quotes on my bedroom mirror... the first is on paper and has been stuck up in my room for about 4 years. The second is scrawled across the glass in eyeliner and was added more recently. It is true that nothing is impossible with God and we can have faith that declares something will be done against the odds....... but Jesus also shows us the need to have a submissive heart that wants God's will above our own. There are some things that are out of our control. All we can do is submit to God's will and accept it.

Today i was thinking about that verse in a different way... i was thinking about how much i apply it to my every day life, at every moment... i feel like i say 'not what i will, but what you will'... but how much do i live by it? How finely tuned are my ears to hear God's will at each moment? Today i slept loads. I was tired, so half justified it in my head. But there were so many other things i could have been doing to help or bless others instead. Did i do His will today? or just my own? Mainly the later i think. And i'm afraid that's the case all too often. 

The pink balloon

I love this polaroid by Fernanda Montoro. The other pictures on her site are good too. I'm still liking polaroids too much, considering they are on the way out.

Needed Time

A number of years ago i went to a hip hop night with some friends in Sheffield. I will always remember it because it disturbed me so much. Saian Super Crew were playing and before one of their songs they declared that 'we are an army of people without a God' and then they got everyone to chant 'soldier' in response. Now i knew my friends' beliefs and that they were pretty anti-God, but i didn't expect to see such deep passion in them as they chanted 'soldier' and threw their arms in the air and leaped up and down in agreement with what was said. In fact, the whole room went crazy and were cheering and chanting that they were in an army without a God. Honestly, i thought i might be sick. It seems strange in a way, because i know a lot of people believe that anyway, i knew my friends did..... but to see how fervently they wanted to make it known, to see how they actually laughed at the thought of it, to hear the chant of 'soldier.. soldier... soldier...' physically hurt and haunted me for a long time after. It made me desperate to reach these people with the truth.

A few weeks ago i went to see Eric Bibb play in Coventry. He's a Blues singer and the venue was completely full. One of the songs he played is called 'Needed Time' and goes as follows:

"Right now is the needed time, now is the needed time, now is the needed time.. x2

I'm down on my bended knees, i'm on my knees, praying won't you come by, come by here x2

Singing right now is the needed time, oh right now is the needed time, now is the needed time..

Even if you don't stay long, oh my Jesus, if you don't stay long, I'm praying come by here, oh Jesus if you don't stay long, i'm praying won't you come by, come by here...

Singing right now is the needed time, i know you feel it's a needed time, right now is the needed time....."

 

This was the most spiritual song of all and it was the only one in which he asked people to join in part way through... and what surprised me was that everyone did, powerfully.... it wasn't a Christian event at all, but everyone was basically confessing their need for Jesus..... it was moving and i truely felt the presence of God there. Now i don't know how much the people meant it? or whether they were just singing along?.. but either way it was like the opposite of the hip hop night and gave me back some hope for people turning to God. Just moments before everyone joined in i had thought how amazing it would be if everyone in the room cried out to God like that... and then it happened... it actually happened....

But it also made me wonder how easily people are influenced by others.... in both cases did the people really mean what they were saying?... did the first crowd all really believe they had no God? and did the second crowd all really think it was a needed time and want Jesus to come to them? I don't know? I just don't know....

Kiss each other

"Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other." Psalm 85:9-10

Come sit with me

There were times when i was ill when i simply wanted someone to sit with me. I didn't have the energy to chat much, i didn't have the words to explain things on my heart, but i could manage silence and there was something comforting about the presence of someone there with me. Just sitting there. Or laying there. And there were times when that happened. Someone just sat with me. They demanded nothing, but gave everything. I am thankful for those times. For the gentle, understanding souls that had time for a girl as strange as me. For a girl who might fit and scream and  thrash out. For a girl who was surely embarrassment itself. To me it was the face of mercy.

When i was in hospital i watched those around me, who suffered far far greater than me. I watched the lady who had tried to take her own life. And it hurt to see her. Her husband and little son arrived and just sat with her. Her child chatted, unaware of what had gone on... and as only a child can at such a time, brought back a sense of joy and hope. And as i looked, i saw in her husband's face deep love, i saw a glimpse of the face of Jesus. 

I watched the man who would smear the contents of his catheter everywhere, he didn't even know what was going on. I watched as the nurse came and gently cleared the mess up, as she took care of him in such a humble way. And i saw for a moment, a heart like Jesus. 

... in places where i least expected it, He was there... working through the one just sitting there... the one just humbly serving and loving. 

meadows...

I have a little love of meadows....  there is a lovely one just round the corner from me, but we're not allowed in it..... it appears that only cows are. Last week we visited a country park with a large wild flower meadow which we were allowed to walk through...... i completely enjoyed myself! It was so beautiful and really relaxing to be there. This week i also noticed that my irises have started to open.... i surprised myself at just how excited i was to see them appearing! I only planted the bulbs, and didn't even do a good job of it... my Dad and the rain watered them, and God made them grow.... amazing when you stop and think about it. Amazing.

Never underestimate...

"Never underestimate the power of truth spoken in a single sentence."   - John Piper

Hope

"Christian hope is simply this: God cannot be overthrown."  

- John Piper

i like #2 ...

...this line of plant pots...

...and this old bike...

i like...

...these rapeseed fields...

...and trees in long lines on the horizon...

what can i say

"There are some things about which nothing can be said and before which we dare not keep silent." - T.S.Eliot

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Rev.21.4

600 miles, 71 days and a 72 year old man

I just read a very moving story in the news about a 72 year old Chinese man who walked more than 600 miles to visit his son in prison. The journey took him 71 days and he had to walk with a stick. He had all his savings stolen just after he left home, so had to beg all the way and was sometimes forced to eat rotten food from bins. When he arrived the prison staff bent the rules to allow him to see his son which he hadn't seen for 2 years. Apparently his son was actually adopted and said "He adopted me and loves me very much, but i have nothing to repay all this"

petals

The first of May. Somehow i feel like there's something special about this day, but i can't think what? Maybe it's just because it's a third of the way through the year and it really does feel like Spring now. Whatever the case i feel i must at least write something on my blog to celebrate it. Originally i was going to post about how broken and messed up this world is, but then i changed my mind and am now writing about how beautiful all the blossom is outside and how it makes me smile. I love watching the petals summersaulting through the air. I sat on the pavement the other day, waiting for the bus, and noticed so many little things that you forget to see when you're standing up. It used to be like that with my seizures. I remember several evenings when i came round from fits on the cold pavement outside and i'd notice the stars above and the beauty of the sky. It almost felt like a blessing to be able to just lay there and stare up at them as i recovered. Today i noticed the petals have all collected in the gutters - their little existance is almost over, but even now they still look so pretty and fill me with a sad kind of hope. They have a small job of proclaiming God's glory and then it's all over and they joyfully give up their life. It's sad in a way, but then it points to the one who lasts forever and that even our lives should be sacrificed willingly in order to bring Him glory. 

One of my other favourite things at the moment is seeing trees in long lines on the horizon.... there are loads round here and i just love it... I love lines of birds on the telephone wires too..... and at the moment the fields are full of rapeseed and are just stunning. Whilst on the topic of things i like at the moment i may as well mention that i have a strange love of washing hanging up in balconies and am forever noticing it on my walks.... then there's barns full of hay, i love them... and all the quirky strangers i bump into who love to chat about nothing much... and i could go on forever, but i won't. What a strange ramble this is!

Anyway.... the first of May.... i guess it is a happy kind of day.

the first gleam of dawn

"The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day." - Proverbs 4.18

What a beautiful verse. 

..of magic and mystery..

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name.... That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still." 

- Frederick Buechner 

wild grace

I was out at the park yesterday admiring the daises that have appeared in little clusters all over the grass. I think there's something about wild flowers that those grown neatly in a row lack. They display a kind of freedom and different sort of beauty to those arranged and planted exactly by a gardner. When i thought about it more i decided that they demonstrate a kind of grace. If someone works hard and digs the soil and plants seeds in an orderly way, then you expect a flower to grow there. But when flowers appear in places in the wild, where no-one has specifically gone out and planted them and watered them, then it's like they appear by grace..... as a gift from God. Obviously the life in any flower is a gift, and even if someone plants a seed and waters it, they can't make it grow, that still comes from God. But those in the wild somehow seem like even more of a gift i think. It's like the goodness and joy of God can't help but burst up all over the place, whether or not a gardner planted seeds there. I like that. Maybe that's why i like the simple beauty of wild flowers and gardens and woods so much.

milk sky

More polaroid photos by Nanako Koyama. I love her style and the photos she takes. I've recently decided that i really love polaroid cameras too, which is a bit stupid considering they are about to stop making them. 

flowers for you

"And when the sap in me doth fail

And natural vigor of my youth, 

Then may Thy life in me prevail, 

That i may still show forth in truth 

By flower and fruit on this my tree, 

How good my Gardener is to me."

- Amy Carmichael -

- Polaroid photo by Japanese photographer  Nanako Koyama. -

A miracle

About 5 years ago i reached a point of despair and anguish.... the worst i've ever experienced.... i don't know why it got so bad, but it did. I was just overwhelmed by life. Originally i wrote more about this, but i don't think it's necessary to include that anymore, words can't really explain it accurately.... all i need to say is that i needed God's help badly.

At the beginning of 2004 i experienced what i can only describe as a miracle. One day i woke up and just felt so much more free and felt fresh joy again. I remember i wanted to sing with happiness all morning. And from then on i gradually just felt a sense of relief. I don't know quite how it happened, but my head felt clear again and i felt like the burden and pain was gradually lifted. I stopped feeling so overwhelmed and felt new hope again. The physical problems i was having also eased. And the biggest change was probably in my mind. I remember i fully felt at peace in trusting God's sovereignty and realised again that it truely all is about HIS glory, and therefore He knows how to work all things out to that end and i just have to trust Him, even with the salvation of my friends and family. My whole mindset was changed and somehow i was able to trust God in a new way. It might not sound like a miracle, but the crucial thing was that i had nothing to do with this new change. I had reached a point of desperation and was unable to help myself in any way. It was so clearly God who broke into my heart and mind and helped me. It was the biggest miracle i have known since my salvation.

For about the next 9 months i experienced new hope and joy nearly every day. I knew such beautiful freedom and genuine joy that following summer, it was incredible. I would go to the park and dance and sing and i'd wake up every morning truly excited about spending time with God and about life. God gave me hope again and humbled me greatly.

The next thing that happened, whilst i still was in this great period of freedom, was that my epilepsy started. I think that the only way i was able to deal with my epilepsy was because God had already broken me and taught me to trust the goodness of His sovereignty the previous year. I could truely trust Him with my epilepsy and felt little fear over it..... i knew that somehow God would work it out for His glory, and that was what mattered.... it wasn't about me, but about Him and His honour and glory and praise.

For some reason i felt that it was right for me to share this on my blog. Perhaps it is the most open i've been yet. But i wanted to thank God for the miracle He did in me and testify to it. When i remember this i feel again that anything is possible with God. I know too that my parents prayed alot for me during that time and it encourages me that prayer has so much power. I want to praise God for helping me those years ago and for His continual help now. It really was a miracle.

How great are You Lord

How great are You Lord

How great is Your mercy

How great are the things

That You have done for me

How great are You Lord

Your loving kindness

Is filling my heart as i sing

How great are You Lord

How great is Your love

It reaches to the heavens

How great is the heart

That sought and rescued me.

(by Lynn DeShazo)

I shall be satisfied

"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh i will see God." - Job 19:25-26

I love this verse. I love this promise. That in my flesh i will see God. That i will gaze at His beauty and look into His eyes. That in the end He will stand upon the earth. Victorious. As the King. That all will bow before Him and He alone will be exalted. I long for the day i see Him face to face. This hope feeds my soul. This hope keeps me alive. This hope brings me alive. I know that my Redeemer lives and i shall be satisfied with seeing Him.

Blue Summer

My birthday cards from my parents.

Images by Lauren Bishop.

The plate

I promised Maddy i would put a photo of her plate on my blog, simply because i like the design of it and enjoyed my orange that morning. So here it is! - Not the best of photos, but it will remind me of the lovely weekend i had with all the girls in Worthing. It was a joy to spend time with them.

I have decided...

I have decided that....

1. I'm still as bad at decision making as i ever was.

2. I'm going to train myself to be decisive. If that's possible.

3. I need to get out and about more. I feel so much more alive when i leave the house, even just for a walk.

4. I'm going to finish my speech and language therapy degree, if i'm able to.

5. I need to sort out how to spend my time more efficiently.

6. I really do need to come off my drugs. Not because i want to be rebellious or stupid or have some notion that i can manage without, but simply because of the side-effects and the way i know they are affecting me for the worse. I know nobody will agree with me on this one, so i probably won't be able to yet, but i look forward to the day when i can.

7. I am so grateful for the support and love of my friends and family and God. I am nothing on my own. This isn't a new decision, it's not even a decision, it's just a fact that i was thinking about again.

..the extent of my deviation...

“The test of observance of external religious teachings is whether or not our conduct conforms with their decrees, such conformity is indeed possible. The test of observance of Christ's teachings is our consciousness of our failure to attain an ideal perfection. The degree to which we draw near this perfection cannot be seen, all we can see is the extent of our deviation.” - Lee Tolsty

The Puzzle!

And so my  puzzle is now complete! The combined work of Liz, Debs, Lucy, Kirsty, Jeni and Maddy. I hope they don't mind me putting it on here, but i've loved receiving it in it's little stages. It was a genius idea and of much encouragement.

... A quarter of a Century...

"The slopes behind the woods were misty with bluebells, and through the thin veil of young green i caught a glint of kingcups. I was so happy it almost hurt....."  

I love the above quote. It's from the Tanglewoods' Secret, by Patricia St. John. And although the picture i've included doesn't quite match, i don't mind, because i love the picture too... and it's of poppies, in a misty field, so it's kinda similar! My Mum took it. It's my 25th birthday today. Theoretically i'm actually still 24 because i was born at 4:25 in the afternoon..... but in 25 minutes time i truely will be 25. Strange. I still feel like a kid. That quote is from a children's book too and i feel most happy when i'm around kids. On Monday a lady from my church invited me to spend the afternoon with her and her children and my dog.... we went to a nearby reservoir and i have to say that it was so refreshing and fun. My dog behaved amazingly well too, which was a relief. I don't know what it is about children that makes me love them so much, but i do. Anyway, i'm 25 now, so i can't pretend to be a child myself for much longer!

At the weekend i saw my old housemate Jen, it was a complete joy to spend time with her and she gave me some beautiful irises and roses .. i wanted to put a photo of them on here but my camera is not co-operating! The photo below is of a card that my other old housemate, also called Jen, gave me for my birthday. I love it. It's by an artist named Jenny Frean:

Today, more than anything else, i want to thank God for giving me 25 years of life so far. What a privelege to be alive. What a privelege to belong to Jesus.

"Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is with in me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisifies you with good, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." - Psalm 103

the little children

The ponderings of my heart.... only read at risk of entering into my confused head...

These days my heart is for children more than ever. I see them and i find myself crying gently with longing for their future to be good and untainted by this harsh world. I long to live in the innocence of childhood again myself. Is that wrong? Yesterday i read about a little girl who died simply by being in a car too long and overheating. It breaks my heart that the hope and life of a child can suddenly be taken away, and with that the dreams of a parent. I see children and wonder at the fact that once upon a time all the adults i know were just little kids too...... just little children with their own innocent and naive dreams, with their own longings.. even those who are now in prison, those who are on the streets with nowhere to live..... i think what breaks my heart most is the realisation that this is what our world is like... tainted and corrupt.... that all the little children will at some stage have their dreams broken, their hearts broken, will fall into sin like the rest of us..... and those who come to know Jesus will one day be alright, be healed, be restored, though even they will suffer for a while..... but what of those who never get to know Jesus? and in the end, no matter what, some will never know Jesus, because the Bible says so..... and i know and trust that God has it all under control, for His greater glory, which is what matters most...... but still sometimes my heart wonders, what of those who never know Him? who are left broken in their sin? my heart crys for them..... even now, it hurts so badly, what can i do? ..... i know, Jesus has done it all on the cross.... 'it is finished' were the words He said...... and He knows best, yes, He knows best........... yet i know too we are responsible to help Jesus in the task of saving some.

The lifter of our heads

We are your inheritance, we are your reward 

And your our glory and the lifter of our heads. 

Listen can you hear it, the Spirit and the bride

Whisper Jesus, Maranatha Come,

Oh come, oh come to us,

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

I went to London recently and my siblings showed me round Camden. I had an enjoyable time, but when it came to going past some of the shops i had to wear headphones because they were blasting out such loud trance music and my epilepsy is sensitive to certain types of music. Anyway, the song i listened to instead was the one above. It's a good song. 

( song by Paul Oakley )

Please be Still

 by Jen Renninger from Please be still.

arthur's circus

- from arthur's circus -

Sometimes i wonder why it is that i like things that are battered and broken so much. I'm drawn to them like i'm drawn to run down council estates and the kids that play there. There's something about this photo that i love. Maybe it reminds me of other places close to my heart, or maybe it just makes a good photo.

Wounded with sweet words

"Perhaps the best paragraph in the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy is when Frodo is honored with a song to celebrate his success in destroying the Ring of Doom.

And all the host laughed and wept, and in the midst of their merriment and tears the clear voice of the minstrel rose like silver and gold, and all men were hushed. And he sang to them…until their hearts, wounded with sweet words, overflowed, and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness. (The Return of the King, 933)

Like those who listened to the minstrel’s song, we who see our Savior in the last day will also be made merry with the story of his victory. And we too will be hushed by and wounded with the sweet words that are sung of his self-sacrifice on our behalf.

We will have joy like swords—bright and piercing—and all of the pain and loss of Christ’s death (and our daily dying with him) will only mix with and enhance our bliss." 

- Tyler Kenney, Desiring God

Himalayan Children

- Himalayan Children on the border of Afghanistan. -

- From the National Geographic website, courtesy of my sister Hannah. -

"The Lord stood at my side and gave me strength." 2 Tim. 4:17

as bad as stoning...

I love the way Jesus speaks, the way He acts, it never ceases to amaze me. I was thinking again today about the woman who was caught in adultery and the scribes and pharisees who wanted her to be stoned and asked Jesus what He thought. His reply was 'let Him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.' It's a famous passage in the Bible and a genius answer from Jesus. The reason it struck me more today was because i saw "The Kite runner"as a film a few weeks ago. For the first time in my life i saw a woman being stoned publicly. I know that it was just acting, but it still really disturbed me. I guess i'd never really thought deeply about being stoned and the relief the woman must have felt when she wasn't condemned and walked away free. It must have been amazing relief she felt. I guess i don't always dwell on all it is i've been saved from, it probably isn't good to dwell on it, but it would be as bad as stoning, so my relief is the same as hers, though often i forget it.  

I must just say..

I just have to say that my orchid really does make me happy. It had no flowers on it for 6 months, and i was beginning to wonder if it actually was dead, but then they started to come again and now it has 6 beautiful flowers and another 6 buds. It truly does make me smile.

Frost

Honestly and truely i've never seen anything like it. Never seen a day as strangely mysterious and beautiful as today. Never seen a sea of silver white coating the trees and hedges and plants with such exact precision as i saw today. Everything was covered in frost for the entire day. We drove through the countryside and it was like driving though another world. Like driving through a ghost town, yet seriously beautiful. Like everything had just been dipped in water and frozen instantly. It was so different to snow, which collects in lumps and goes to sludge. Here every tiny detail and shape was outlined. The air was full of mist and i was honestly stunned. Frost may sound like a normal occurance, but today was so different. My parents were shocked and have never seen it before either. It made me look at everything in a fresh way. It made me marvel at God's creation. 

Whenever there is cold weather like this my Dad says the same thing: "It's good for the ground you know. It will kill off all the bad bacteria and bugs." And it's true. Every season is useful for it's own reasons. And i know it's the same in our lives too. 

I've actually had a fresh wave of happiness hit me the last week or so. Happiness that makes me want to leap in the street and has caused me to sing outloud whilst walking my dog. Maybe the sun has made a difference, most days recently it has been so beautiful that i want to thank God for everything i can see and hear. I end up walking down the road with a big grin on my face and laughing to myself. I'm happy that spring is on it's way. But as today reminded me, i'm also happy with winter.

What has gone wrong?

I've just spent ages trying to upload a picture and it's taken so long that i've grown impatient and have decided to just write a post instead. I have nothing to say though. That's the problem. There was a time when i could have written several posts a day, alongside pages in my own journal. But these days i'm stuck for worthwhile things to write. And that bothers me greatly. Not because i want to write something for the sake of my blog, but because i consider there to be a link between what comes out of you and what is in you. If there is nothing flowing out of me, then it makes me wonder what is going on within me. Am i dead and stale and feeding on yesterday's thoughts? Where have my eyes gone - eyes that search for life and see beauty around me that i can then recall? I post pictures on here instead of things that really matter. What has gone wrong? 

today i feel...

Today i feel thankful for today. Not because i've done anything useful with it, i haven't, but simply because it existed. It's an amazing thing to wake up and find the sun still shining and life still going on around me.... the oceans still steadily throw waves upon the shore, the birds dance around looking for food and singing in the process, the hills and grass and trees and early flowers still remain, the kids across the road from me still chatter and shout, i am still alive and can breathe and talk and move and think.... why should this be so? why should today exist? why should tomorrow exist? i take it all for granted so often. I forget how intricate and wonderful God's creation is, i forget that it is He who makes hearts beat and things grow and breathes life into everything... i forget that He is life. Today i'm thankful for all that. Today i'm thankful for this day. 

Photo Booths

Enlarged photo booth pictures. Nice.

Magnolia

- Photo by Irene Suchocki. Brought to my attention by Liz. -

Inspiration

I'm inspired by the creativeness of others and aspire to create more myself. I often use this blog as a place of noting down worthwhile quotes or collecting inspiration. At the moment i have a real desire to actually produce more of my own work - not just for the sake of it, but because there is a number of specific things i would ideally like to do. However i am faced with a problem - being creative isn't always as easy as i should like it to be and i am in need of much persistence and patience. I'm not a natural writer; i find it hard to put my thoughts into sentences. I'm not a great painter; my perfectionist nature restricts my hand. I'm not a musician; my voice is out of tune & i have no patience to learn an instrument. Instead i often borrow other people's words and pictures and songs. I use their work to express my thoughts and heart. I'm not sure anymore if i know how to express those same ideas through my own tongue or hand. I can but try, but in trying i need much grace not to give up. 

more birds

Another great piece of street art (photo by Paul Green.) According to the post i read on it, the cat stickers were added later and the original artist wasn't happy. Quite understandable. Nothing like a pair of cats to ruin a perfectly good bird mural.

Early Birds

I've just been on the search for photo blogs to inspire myself. The above pictures are by Bueller at 2 and fro. I decided to post these mainly because i love birds, but his site is worth looking at too. 

Polaroids and Pinholes

I really like these prints by Rowena Dugdale from Polaroids and Pinholes. They remind me of all the times i tried to make photograms in the darkroom. I never produced anything as beautiful and artistic as her work though. 

colours

Yesterday i'm certain that everything had changed outside... all the colours were brighter... like the grass was glowing green and garages and fences all seemed newly painted in bright red or white.... in fact everywhere i looked i noticed things i'd never seen before....  maybe it was just because the sun was shining and i was feeling happy, or maybe i'd just never really looked before.... anyway, it's quite dull to write about it now, but it amused me at the time. I received 3 separate things in the post yesterday too. I hadn't had any post for what seemed like a while, and then i got three things in one day - letters from Liz and Kirsty, and a book from my sister. They all really encouraged me.

..as strong as..

"Love is as strong as death, it's jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." - Song of Songs 8:6-7

In a Blanket

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." -  Isaiah 66:13

I love this drawing. It's taken from a card we received this christmas. This copy isn't as clear as the original, which is done by Tricia Gray for the The Leprosy Mission. It's so strange to think of Jesus as a tiny baby, completely vulnerable to the hands of man, completely humble and needing His every need taken care of by others. Jesus, who came to serve others, actually had to just sit there and be looked after initially. Even though He was God He had to rely upon God to outwork situations so that He would be kept safe. He entrusted His safety with the Father and in His meekness came to earth as the most helpless being. When you stop and think about it, it truely is amazing. Yet at the same time it seems strangely fitting for Him to be a young child... innocent and unpolluted by the world. This baby was Jesus, King of Kings and Lord of Lords.