Truth

"Perception, knowledge, and truth without love are nothing. They are not truth, for truth is God, and God is love. Therefore, truth without love is a lie." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The breathings of your heart

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart" - Wordsworth

Faith

"Faith in God would take away our faith in all those other things and powers. Faith in them would become impossible. Those who believe in God believe in nothing else in this world, because they know it will fail and pass away. Nor do they need to believe in anything else, for they have the One from whose hands everything comes and into whose hands everything goes..... Faith means daring and trusting unconditionally." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Heavy to light

I have a tendency to think WAY too much and as a result i sometimes write things that probably aren't helpful for others to read..... like Friday's post. I'm not sure that i have any regular readers anymore, but if you have read any of my intense posts, then i just wanted to say i'm sorry for the nature of them! Hopefully there will be some nice lighthearted things coming soon........

The summer sky

"To see the summer sky is poetry, though never in a book it lie - True poems flee." - Emily Dickinson

Lives that matter

"There are some things about which nothing can be said and before which we dare not keep silent." - T.S.Eliot

I've written this post several times before but never published it. I felt uncomfortable exposing my heart and didn't think it appropriate for my blog. Today i am prepared to write it anyway.

A couple of months ago my friend took his own life. This month also marks the anniversary of when a friend of my housemate killed herself, whilst we were at university. And it's also 3 years since my other housemate's sister took her own life. So tragic and heart-breaking for everyone involved. I didn't know the girls well myself, but i was close to my housemates and still found it very hard to deal with. My friend who died recently was a Christian, although i hadn't seen him for a number of years. I still feel a silent sorrow. A sorrow that no words can really express. A sorrow i feel probably shouldn't even be put into words. I don't know why exactly i'm writing anything now, i'm still afraid to lest my feeble words minimise it.

I can't imagine what the families are going through. I confess that suicide is something i find so hard to come to terms with. A whole part of me wishes and longs that somehow God had interceeded. But i know too that there is nothing but perfect goodness in God and He has pure integrity in what He does and doesn't do, so although i can't for a moment understand it, i must humbly trust Him.

I guess i've been thinking too about how much tiny things can truely make a difference to someone's life. When somebody dies sometimes it puts things into perspective and it makes you feel like other little things just don't matter in light of it. But i was thinking how sometimes it also works the other way too - and makes you realise how incredibly important all the little things are. It's the little things that make up a life. It's the minutes and seconds in a day that corporately make a life what it is... every single second counts for something.... When someone is gone, you would give anything to just have one minute back with them... to just watch the t.v. with them... to just chat to them... to just do something 'little' with them. It is little things which do matter. Little things which make up our lives. 

I sometimes think too, would it have made a difference to these three if someone had done something 'little' for them just before they died? if someone had phoned them? or if someone had said something encouraging? or been watching out for them? Could it have stopped them? I remember how my friend was clearly withdrawn and unhappy when i last saw him - could i have done something more? There must have been something more i could have done. I know i shouldn't speculate really - i think in these three cases they were truly ill and maybe nothing like this could have made a difference - no matter how many nice things people do, or how much love someone shows, it sometimes still just lacks power to heal or stop something happening.... even when we so desperately want it to help. However, in some cases those little things can make a massive difference and can have the power to change someone's day or week or life. Little things can have power if they are done in love and God works through them.

There are so many little things people have done that have meant so much to me. Why should it be so? I don't know. I can only say thank you. I long to be a person who does little things with much love. I think i often forget to.

"I don't do big things, i do little things with big love." - Mother Teressa

Balloon dreamer

(1. the dreamer in the beautiful mess, 2. play with ballon, 3. girl and sky, 4. Returning to the same ocean.)

-.... and when all the balloons burst and dreams dissolve into thin air, then just remember, He has not gone anywhere. The very best, the very greatest, can never be lost.... -

Street Mosaic

1. princess revisited, 2. street Calcutta, 3. Street scene,calcutta, 4. you buy flower from me?, 5. Working class, 6. Boy From Bluefields, 7. Hello Stranger, 8. Kofi's Portrait, Mali, 9. curious Calcutta

Over Moonless Seas

"And only heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight, over moonless seas." - Barbara Miller Macandrew 

"He is indeed enough. He is not all we would ask for (if we are honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless, that the Lord has become my light." - Elisabeth Elliot

The approaching light

Lately i've been having trouble sleeping, but i have to admit that there is something really lovely about being awake when the birds start singing, beckoning the morning in. Last night it was as early as 3.30am and by 4am there was a whole chorus outside my window. I love the fact that they start singing when it's still dark... they know what's approaching, they know the dawn is coming. With the very first glimmers of light, when the rest of the world is still asleep, they proclaim the arrival of a new day and sing with joy. They sing because they have the hope of a promise of another day. So even before they see it they can declare it, they can rejoice in it, they welcome it in. I think it's a fine example of faith. Hebrews 11.1 says "faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen".... and when you have that assurance i guess you can step out in faith, knowing you will receive what is promised. So today i shall take my lesson from the birds.... and as i hear the dawn calling in the distance, the voice of truth beckoning, i shall rejoice in all that is promised... rejoice that soon we will be gathered up into the approaching light and folded into the arms of that great morning.... when we will see our Saviour's face.

I will say

" I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' " - Psalm 91

(Photo by Gregory Smith)

Flats Fixed

(photo by Jake Dobkin)

...... i do love people's creativity.....

A hundred joyful grooves

Little laughing boy what makes you smile so? Your eyes all creased, with a hundred joyful grooves underlining each. You know you make me smile too. Your hopeful spirit shimmering through. What makes your heart so free? With ragged clothes and bare feet you run a different race to me. But you ain't shackled with the ways of the West. And I won't judge you to be worse off, for in your face i see the riches of eternity. Little laughing boy, come let me learn from your simplicity.

Sleepless night

And in the distance i hear the dawn calling, the song bird reaching out to draw me in, that i may be gathered up in the approaching light, folded into the arms of that great morning. Tender hands bare my weight, the voice of truth beckons me come, i've waited all my life, but now the time is nigh, very soon i'll see my Saviour's face...

Even If....

“...our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up..” Daniel 3.16-17

I want to live my life with that kind of heart attitude.......  with full confidence in God, full trust in Him, to live in a way which honors Him above all else..... but still, even if.. even if.... He doesn't act in a way i believe He will, then still my confidence is in Him.... still i love Him and trust Him.... even if  He doesn't do that which i expect Him to do or know He is able to do.

I recently read a biography about Dr. C. Everett Koop. His son fell to his death in a climbing accident. At the end of a book he wrote, he included the following bible verse:

" Now unto Him who is able to keep you from falling..." - Jude 24-25  

and then he included his own declaration of faith, in reference to his son:

"God was able, but in His sovereignty He chose not to."  

So.... even if.....

By His wounds...

Funny how the most heartbreaking sight can make you whole. That which wrenches your innermost being can also work healing. That which is so wrong, can be what makes everything right. A man being whipped so his back is torn to pieces. Beauty being pierced. Righteousness bleeding. A broken body weeping love. What would you see written in each lash? a wealth of secret sin? a deadly mix of sickness? how much would each one weigh? how much would it cut, right through the skin? how much could we bare if we were standing right there? would we see our own life engraved into His wounds? would we realise how much it would have hurt? the pain of sin and sickness - the weight of a dying world. A whole world. Would we see that as he was broken, as he patiently endured, we were being released. Not just from sin, but from sickness. Would we really see? That by His wounds, we are healed.  

Talitha Cumi

"Taking her by the hand he said to her, “Talitha cumi,” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise.” Mark 5.41

This is one of my favourite miracles. Maybe it's because i love the words Jesus uses. The gentleness that overflows from them. Just the phrase "Talitha cumi" seems beautiful to me and brings a sparkle to my eyes. He doesn't speak it in front of crowds, he goes to her bedroom with just her parents and 3 disciples; it is intimate. The girl has died. At least it seems that way, though Jesus says she is simply sleeping. It is a sleep that He alone can wake her from though, with those beautiful words that call into her depths, calling her to arise. I'm not going to over analyse this. The hows and whys don't matter. I just love what He did. And the fact that when she got up He told them to give her something to eat. He knew what was best for her, He knew what she needed. Though He had performed a miracle, He didn't then ignore her daily needs. 

Maybe i love this too because i imagine it's relevant to us all. I imagine that even daily, in ways we may not even see, He speaks into our hearts and calls us to rise up in His strength, calls us to wake up from the sleepiness we so easily fall into, calls us to step out in faith. Maybe He does it in much bigger ways too, like when He first calls us out of death into life, or through a tangible healing. And i guess too it will one day be relevant again when we awake in His presence. There is a song i have been listening to recently and it has a beautiful line in it which says "wake me when it's spring time in heaven, when the tears are all wiped from my face, wake me when it's spring time in heaven, and i'm strong enough to walk in that place." 

Photos by Rui Palha

One day.

He makes all things new. All things, it says. That's quite a promise. He'll make the lame walk again. Those who can't speak will utter their first words of praise. Those who've lived in darkness all their lives will see. They'll actually see the beauty of life with their very own eyes. Shadows will take shape. And all life will be restored. Hope will deliver it's promise. Truth will prevail. Life will laugh at death, which will be dead forever, conquered by Jesus. And all eyes will see Him. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. His mighty roar will gather in the tribes, which will worship the spotless Lamb forever. For all our days, we'll serve Him. One day. One day. And we'll behold His face.. His eyes... His hands that bear our scars. For we know that our Redeemer lives. My Redeemer lives. 

Photo by Cat Vinton

... strange miracles...

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time - somehow i feel like it deserves to be written in a certain way, but i know i will never find those words, so instead i have chosen to write it today, in my simple clumsy language.

I heard about three healings recently. All of which have stayed with me. Two of them were people who have been healed of epilepsy. The other was actually just fiction - i read it in a novel, but still novel's can have power to speak to you, i think. 

By chance i came across the testimony of a Christian on-line - he happens to go to the same church as some friends of mine and i ended up speaking to him on the phone for a long time. He grew up with epilepsy, which got quite severe, and meant his life and schooling were badly affected. One day he became a Christian and felt God tell him he would be healed. Two years later he had an operation to remove part of his brain, and although he had a few seizures after, he has now been off medication and seizure free for 15 years. You could say it was just because of the operation. Or you could say it was God's way of healing him, using the operation as the method. I say it was down to God. 

This guy also told me the testimony of another man he knew, who also had epilepsy and went to his church for a while. They prayed for his healing and he then got cancer as well. However, after the radiotherapy that he had for the cancer, his seizures stopped. There is no logical reason for that, but it's what happened... and since then he has been seizure free. Another miracle i would say.

The third instance was the one i read in a story. Just fiction. But, in light of the other two testimonies it stood out at me. It involved a boy who had severely weak lungs. His Father often prayed for him. However, after a bizarre series of events in which he was shot in the chest, he recovered with perfect lungs.... showing no sign of the shooting, or of his previous sickness. (ok, so it's fiction, i know..)

Anyway, what i observed in all three cases, is that the healing actually happened through another seemingly bad event. The first guy had to have part of his brain removed. The second guy had to have radiotherapy. The third guy was shot. I genuinely believe that all three cases are examples of God's healing power and mercy though. They are not just chance occurances. But i also noticed that the healing doesn't happen how you would naturally expect. For some unknown reason, God decided that the best way of healing these people was through another difficult event. It wasn't that they were instantly healed when prayed for. But they were healed, over time. I believe God can heal instantly, but also that He has His own ways that only He understands and so sometimes heals over a long period of time, or in a wierd way, or sometimes not until the moment someone meets Jesus....  but I trust He knows what's best and is faithful to His word.

I praise God for healing these guys with epilepsy..... i have only ever met/spoken to a very, very small number of people who have epilepsy... at least half of these cases are of people who are now healed. 

I was shot four times.

Last night i dreamt i was shot four times, but i didn't die. The first two bullets only hit my arms, but the next two bullets could have killed me, i'm sure. I woke up thinking about this, everything in the dream felt very real, very distinct. I guess it's not that strange that i didn't die though, what with it being a dream, but still it perplexed me. This morning i read the classic passage from 2 Corinthians 11 and was led to consider all that Paul endured:

"Are they servants of Christ? I am a better one—I am talking like a madman—with far greater labors, far more imprisonments, with countless beatings, and often near death. 24 Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea;26 on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; 27 in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. 28 And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches. 29 Who is weak, and I am not weak? Who is made to fall, and I am not indignant?"

Seriously, how did he suffer all that without dying? There must be only one reason, simply that God sustained him and had a purpose in it. I don't think it would be possible to survive otherwise (unless you were an actor in a soap, but that's hardly realistic.) I don't really know what my point is in this post, except God is sovereign and lets people die when you think they shouldn't, and lets others live when everything says they should die. He alone knows why.

What is sustaining grace?

"Not grace to bar what is not bliss,

Nor flight from all distress, but this:

The grace that orders our trouble and pain,

And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain."

-John Piper-

His sweet will

"Ill that He blesses is our good. 

And unblest good is ill. 

And all is right that seems most wrong. 

If it be His sweet will."

-unknown-

Recovering from the disease of sin

This article by John Piper made me laugh, i like it and shall quote a little. It is entitled 'recovering from the disease of sin':

"With all our imperfections we have tasted the honey of divine Life and it has made our eyes sparkle. Christ is walking among us. Not because we are so much fun to be with but because he loves to make house calls on patients who glory in his medical expertise. He is not partial to the healthy. But he has a special fondness for the homeliest, weakest, sickliest patients whose eyes sparkle when he enters the room.

Sunday morning worship is when we all wheel ourselves together and shout, “Three cheers for Doctor Jesus!”

Sunday School is when we divide up into groups to make sure we understand his prescriptions......

A pastor is a convalescing cripple that the Doctor has assigned to teach others how to use the crutches of grace.

What a motley sanatorium we are! Paralyzed, clubfooted, humpbacked, pockfaced, nearsighted, cancer-eaten! But ... The Doctor’s here! He’ll touch any sore without a flinch. And O, how it soothes. He spends time. He talks. He looks you in the eye. He takes your elbow when you rise. He asks how Jake is doing. He promises he’ll be back. And he comes!

Sometimes he reads from his book about the day when he will finish all his therapy and make us perfect—like him. I can hardly wait. The other day he read me this about his Father’s plans:

And he will destroy on this mountain the covering that is cast over all peoples, the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth; for the Lord has spoken. (Isaiah 25:7, 8)

It made my eyes sparkle. I would have done a back flip like a baby gorilla—if I weren’t crippled. But I did lift my hands. Hallelujah. Three cheers for the Doctor!"

Like broken glass

My words fall to the ground like broken glass, a sound that's been made too many times before. No comfort to the ears. No comfort to the heart. Just a noise, but not a melody of life. Not the sound of salvation or gentle drops of mercy. No healing in them for the world that's torn apart, for the world that's dying. That's not how it should be. That's not what i desire. But i'm a fool and i speak too quick. There's a multitude on the streets, just waiting, in need of a word that will bring them life. One look into the eyes of a child and i see it. Eyes that seek love and encouragement. Eyes that are broken and disappointed, longing for wholeness, longing for life. We need lips that are streams of truth, of comfort, of love, of mercy, of healing. Out of the heart the mouth does speak. How bad my heart is. So fickle. So half-hearted. I hear myself crying 'please change me.. whatever it takes. Whatever.'.. But then i hear the sweet sound of that whisper in my ear, that tells me He has already done it. Done whatever it took. It took the death of His son. He is the only word that brings true restoration. God give me grace to speak it.

IT IS FINISHED

Four years ago i remember asking God for 3 simple words to write on my mirror, i don't remember why i asked such a bizarre thing, but i remember hearing the words "It is finished" spoken clearly back to me. I scribbled them on my mirror with blue eyeliner and they have remained there ever since. It's a constant, good reminder of what Jesus has done.

I never normally make new year's resolutions, but this year i have thought of a LOT i could make.... but i've still decided not to make any, because i know as soon as i do i'll be creating a law for myself, and quite simply i know i can't keep the law. That's why the words "It is finished" are so beautiful to me, because it reminds me how Jesus has completely dealt with all my law-breaking and sinful ways. Instead of new year's resolutions i've decided to just make sure i keep my eyes on Jesus and i hope that from there everything else will flow. I do desire to do things i would have made resolutions about..... but i know i can't do them by making them into a law to strive to keep, it can only happen secondary to loving and being absorbed in Jesus Himself.

I just read an article on the Desiring God website which is about a similar thing. They quote from a book by Martyn Lloyd-Jones which says:

"Would you like to be rid of this spiritual depression? The first thing you have to do is to say farewell now once and forever to your past. Realize that it has been covered and blotted out in Christ. Never look back at your sins again. Say: ‘It is finished, it is covered by the Blood of Christ’. That is your first step. Take that and finish with yourself and all this talk about goodness, and look to the Lord Jesus Christ. It is only then that true happiness and joy are possible for you. What you need is not to make resolutions to live a better life, to start fasting and sweating and praying. No! You just begin to say:

I rest my faith on Him alone
Who died for my transgressions to atone."

"Follow me" - John 21.19